Venting death is the only solution for me

[gotomrg]

first of all i believe that this phrase is too overused and there are too many fake answers. well at least they seem fake to me. all these "all your problems are actually solvable" or "once you jump off the bridge you realize that everything is actually solvable except for the fact that you're falling off the bridge".
i know my problems are solvable (at least to some extent)
i could break up with my gf, try to get over her, or work even harder, fight for us, celebrate her birthday
i could work on my appearance, go to therapy, drop out from the university, or continue my studies and graduate
everything is possible, really. but i just dont want to do anything. i've put so much effort already and it just doesn't get much better. i've tried to do something and to find happiness my whole life and life just seems like an endless trap. i dont want to live as me. if this was a game i would restart it hoping that i would get a different character. i hate being me. there were so many different versions of me and every single one is horrible
death is not a solution to my problems, it is a solution to my whole existence. my existence that doesn't make any sense, that hurts me and other people. no matter how hard i try i cant be myself. i hate everything about me except for literally my name and idk my hair sometimes??
day by day i survive by doing the bare minimum to keep my ass in the university and to smell nice and clean. i dont want to do anything that i continue to do. all these meaningless stuff all these society standards and norms that i have to fit it
my girlfriend who is the only person who knows me and loves me is a narcissistic asshole
the looks she gives me, the way she talks to me… is this even love? im sure she thinks she loves me but what is her perception of love? whatever it is well it just doesn't count apparently
idk, sorry for venting
would appreciate any response
and sorry for my bad english

 

[shyann]

I'm here for you my friend my words may mean nothing to you but I think you matter and need to be heard if you would like to reach out to my open arms I am here always ~xoxo

 

[FuneralCry]

Of course it's true that death solves everything as it removes what is the true problem is and source of all suffering which is life in itself. But it's very much understandable not wishing to stay here, at least to me existence could never be worth enduring and it really can be so tiring feeling trapped here.

 

[TheSadStranger]

first of all i believe that this phrase is too overused and there are too many fake answers. well at least they seem fake to me. all these "all your problems are actually solvable" or "once you jump off the bridge you realize that everything is actually solvable except for the fact that you're falling off the bridge".
i know my problems are solvable (at least to some extent)
i could break up with my gf, try to get over her, or work even harder, fight for us, celebrate her birthday
i could work on my appearance, go to therapy, drop out from the university, or continue my studies and graduate
everything is possible, really. but i just dont want to do anything. i've put so much effort already and it just doesn't get much better. i've tried to do something and to find happiness my whole life and life just seems like an endless trap. i dont want to live as me. if this was a game i would restart it hoping that i would get a different character. i hate being me. there were so many different versions of me and every single one is horrible
death is not a solution to my problems, it is a solution to my whole existence. my existence that doesn't make any sense, that hurts me and other people. no matter how hard i try i cant be myself. i hate everything about me except for literally my name and idk my hair sometimes??
day by day i survive by doing the bare minimum to keep my ass in the university and to smell nice and clean. i dont want to do anything that i continue to do. all these meaningless stuff all these society standards and norms that i have to fit it
my girlfriend who is the only person who knows me and loves me is a narcissistic asshole
the looks she gives me, the way she talks to me… is this even love? im sure she thinks she loves me but what is her perception of love? whatever it is well it just doesn't count apparently
idk, sorry for venting
would appreciate any response
and sorry for my bad english

I really don't know you, but my message stays the same. If you are blessed with the choice to keep living take it. Not everyone gets to ride off into the sunset. Take my story for example(check my post for the full context). I've suffered all of my life. I've been abused, heartbroken, lied to, etc. I've endured so much pain. It wasn't until last year I had my first dream. A 9 month of last year was the first time I was ever actually happy. Then just as my dream is finally almost within reach life happens. I fucked up and my life came crashing down like a sick joke. I was then told this year I had 13 months left to live. I don't get the choice of even pursuing happiness anymore. Not everyone gets a happy ending but how will you know if you get to or not if you quit now.

(I hope you take this with a grain of salt considering I don't know you, but I'm trying to spread positivity to ease my own pain before I go.)

 

[Doc]

I really don't know you, but my message stays the same. If you are blessed with the choice to keep living take it. Not everyone gets to ride off into the sunset. Take my story for example(check my post for the full context). I've suffered all of my life. I've been abused, heartbroken, lied to, etc. I've endured so much pain. It wasn't until last year I had my first dream. A 9 month of last year was the first time I was ever actually happy. Then just as my dream is finally almost within reach life happens. I fucked up and my life came crashing down like a sick joke. I was then told this year I had 13 months left to live. I don't get the choice of even pursuing happiness anymore. Not everyone gets a happy ending but how will you know if you get to or not if you quit now.

(I hope you take this with a grain of salt considering I don't know you, but I'm trying to spread positivity to ease my own pain before I go.)

Damn I wish you luck homie what's your plan then

 

[TheSadStranger]

Damn I wish you luck homie what's your plan then

I'm not sure I'm in a catch 22 scenario. I do know I'm going to try to spread positivity around here while I'm still around.

 

[Danielwc]

Well you have found out that human relationships are a superficial joke. There is no such thing as love. It's a trade of wants and needs. Nothing we experience here transcends this existence and therefore is not real. It's bleak mate. Those of us who are not caught up in the bullshit of life will always struggle. I'm 47 years old and really don't know what I'm waiting for. The best of life has come and gone. If I get to 77 and things are still the same I will be seriously pissed. I'd wish I killed myself 30 years earlier. We all seem to be waiting for something better to happen, perhaps there is nothing better. I'm even worried about death, say life goes on and we are up there with the cunts that planned this world? Say we get reincarnated in an even worse position?

 

[TheSadStranger]

Well you have found out that human relationships are a superficial joke. There is no such thing as love. It's a trade of wants and needs. Nothing we experience here transcends this existence and therefore is not real. It's bleak mate. Those of us who are not caught up in the bullshit of life will always struggle. I'm 47 years old and really don't know what I'm waiting for. The best of life has come and gone. If I get to 77 and things are still the same I will be seriously pissed. I'd wish I killed myself 30 years earlier. We all seem to be waiting for something better to happen, perhaps there is nothing better. I'm even worried about death, say life goes on and we are up there with the cunts that planned this world? Say we get reincarnated in an even worse position?

I'm struck down in my prime only 18. I have (3C) Stage 3 non-small cell lung cancer. I have never smoked. Yet why am still trying to spread positivity. Partly it's to ease my own pain. For the most part it's because being out of time has given me a new perspective on life. My opinion is "Life is a gift". It doesn't mean your life isn't going to suck and it doesn't mean you'll be free of constant suffering. It just means you are allotted time between your birth and you death to do whatever you want. You may not enjoy life and may not ever find happiness. It's the pursuit of happiness that makes life special. Not everyone gets the happy ending they want. That being said you won't find out if you give up now. It's that mentality of "what if" that makes up the spice of life. It's the wonder and mystery of tommorow. Life's like poker "you need to know when to hold'em and when to fold'em". In a special case like mine you'd probably fold, but for the majority of people who have a fighting chance and the end isn't imminent for you should hold and fake it till you make it. Again happiness is a pursuit that is in no way guaranteed, but if you aren't guaranteed a sad ending you should fight,bite,claw,and scratch your way to happiness. Don't succumb to yourself. Give life some time and pursue happiness. If you do you might find yourself wondering why you were ever considering why you even though about ctb. Then again you might not, but you have nothing to lose.
You can't just "wait" for happiness to fall into your lap. You have to go out of your way to pursue it. Chase after it and see what happens. I wish you the best

(What do I know? I'm just some teen who'll be dead in a few months, so take what I say with a grain of salt.) (If you want my full story check out my post. Context helps)

Edit: If ctb is what you truly want then it's your life. You have the gift of free will and can do whatever you want with it. I just hope you choose what you are sure you really want.