traintracks
New Member
- Jan 3, 2022
- 3
Hi all, I'm new here, was drawn to this site because I've been thinking about death a lot.
It feels better to talk about it with folks I don't know rather than with the people closest to me. I feel like all I'm looking for is someone to listen earnestly and without judgement, but when the things I think and say affect people who care about me in such a deep way, there is inevitable reaction, repulsion, and no room for me to exist in my mind.
Thus I've come to the conclusion that I should probably ponder my SN's anonymously, away from those I'm close to. It seems funny, given that it's easily my most challenging and pervasive struggle and I now must hide it from everyone. But it feels so much worse to watch people become afraid of me, to leave me and to tell me to change, all for something I feel I have little control over.
Wanting to die is so heavily stigmatized to the point of shame and erasure that in trying to prevent its existence it just pushes the community further underground, to talk of death with strangers rather than to be vulnerable about an experience that is so commonly shared.
All of this is to say, I believe that the desire to end one's life is not shameful and I wish it wasn't treated as such. Death is inevitably painful but so is life, to varying degrees. I'm grateful to have found a place to share these thoughts and to know that if I do ever decide to leave this plane that I will be met with fond farewells, with compassion and without judgement.
It feels better to talk about it with folks I don't know rather than with the people closest to me. I feel like all I'm looking for is someone to listen earnestly and without judgement, but when the things I think and say affect people who care about me in such a deep way, there is inevitable reaction, repulsion, and no room for me to exist in my mind.
Thus I've come to the conclusion that I should probably ponder my SN's anonymously, away from those I'm close to. It seems funny, given that it's easily my most challenging and pervasive struggle and I now must hide it from everyone. But it feels so much worse to watch people become afraid of me, to leave me and to tell me to change, all for something I feel I have little control over.
Wanting to die is so heavily stigmatized to the point of shame and erasure that in trying to prevent its existence it just pushes the community further underground, to talk of death with strangers rather than to be vulnerable about an experience that is so commonly shared.
All of this is to say, I believe that the desire to end one's life is not shameful and I wish it wasn't treated as such. Death is inevitably painful but so is life, to varying degrees. I'm grateful to have found a place to share these thoughts and to know that if I do ever decide to leave this plane that I will be met with fond farewells, with compassion and without judgement.