Venting Death is expensive and lonely.

[Alnilam]

I think something we all figure out pretty quickly is just how lonely being suicidal and having depression can be. Having crippling thoughts, urges and tendencies, and then having to keep these thoughts to yourself. Otherwise you'll be quickly deemed a misfit and treated like a freak or outcast. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with us but there's plenty wrong with this world when people lose the will to live before they even reach 18. I've been alone since I was a kid but it's nothing compared to the loneliness I feel when planning to ctb. Nobody can know, even if they did they either wouldn't care, can't help or wouldn't understand.

It's expensive too, for someone like me, who is considered an absolute failure by societies standards. I wanted to get drunk off happiness, indulge in as much as I can, really enjoy myself during my last days. Then reality hit me. I need a job to afford the SN and everything else, I need to get the money somehow. Being diagnosed with bpd, depression and agoraphobia while suffering from chronic pain and nerve damage makes that difficult. I know I mention it alot, but it still baffles me how something like this could've happened. Had I had the mind and body I had back then this would've been a lot easier, wish I knew then what I know now.

It's so surreal to be able to look back and pinpoint the exact moment my life was ruined forever. Four years ago I was a completely different person, I worked, I volunteered, I went out with friends at least once every day. I was normal, I was active, I was social, I was happy. Now I'm sitting here, half drunk, trying to arrange my own death like my life depends on it.

All I can think about are the flowers, the dress, the antiemetic, the painpills, the sedatives, the SN or hypothermia..? These thoughts are the one thing that keep me going, give me comfort and peace. Thinking about getting a credit card and running it all up, buy everything I'll need with it. Not gonna have to pay it off anyway once I'm gone.

Who would've thought it'd be so expensive to die? We really are living the dystopian dream.

 

[Darkover]

you have to go to work for this shit lifetime too i didn't want it in the first place fuck that

 

[lifeisadream]

Completely agree with you. If you utter the word suicidal, you get discarded by society, given all sorts of labels (including selfish) handed an endless supply of "happy pills" & chucked in the mental hospital. It's been said many times before, society lets humans suffer & live with a head full of tortured thoughts but the vet will happily put to sleep your pets.

 

[Pluto]

People are dismissive partly because they hold a simplistic belief that every challenge can be overcome, and partly as a defense mechanism for their own psychological benefit.

If there is truth to the fact that suicide can be the only, or best option in certain situations, accepting that fact could send them down a rabbit hole of death. By refusing to engage in proper discussion, blaming us for failing to overcome our challenges and calling us an assortment of derogatory names, they maintain the stability of their existing worldview. Unless one day their time comes to experience the same thing.

 

[Hollowillow]

We're so alike... Also in pain, agoraphobic...

 

[FuneralCry]

To me life itself is certainly the problem. Wanting to die can just be seeing life for what it really is, I think that it's more rational to want to avoid suffering than want to stay in this world until old age where life only gets worse as time goes on. Planning to die can certainly be very lonely as after all we live in a world that wants to prolong our pain and opening up about our plans to die only makes things worse.

 

[actual_fox]

Yeah It feels very lonely, I feel you because I feel It myself. I only can open up to strangers on the internet.

 

[lifeisadream]

Yeah It feels very lonely, I feel you because I feel It myself. I only can open up to strangers on the internet.

I find it ironic we're taught as kids not to talk to strangers. Yet here we all are, being brave & telling our inner most thoughts, our fears & sharing our pain with strangers. Strangers who actually do take time to listen & who do care. Those strangers are our kindred spirits.

 

[actual_fox]

I find it ironic we're taught as kids not to talk to strangers. Yet here we all are, being brave & telling our inner most thoughts, our fears & sharing our pain with strangers. Strangers who actually do take time to listen & who do care. Those strangers are our kindred spirits.

This is exactly why we can talk- we are strangers. I would never open up about it to other people IRL. I would be even scared to meet people from here IRL.

 

[almaranthine]

Even with the help and support of people online, it is a lonely experience in your physical day to day life to plan your end. I keep thinking about all the crap in my apartment... and how shitty of me it would be to just leave all this stuff behind for relatives to deal with. But then again, if I fail, it would really suck to wake up on the floor after donating all my clothes and kitchenware. Weird shit you end up thinking about contemplating the end like, "wonder where my favorite pair of earring will end up? huh..."

 

[Badatlove]

Feel so many similarities in your post.
Im also suffer from bdp, and been without a job for 3 years now because of depression. First finding a job, to have enough money to safely and painless ctb is tiring. The only jobs I can get are €10 an hour and can't work long many hours. Want to go on the darkweb to order but my laptop is broken and don't want to do it on my phone. Im also think about just use last money even for rent for my ctb. Like your credit card idea! Wouldn't trust myself I can really do it though if I fuck up life in real debt will be even harder.
So still going on till enough money to spoil myself en enjoy some last hedonism first. I've been so poor now for years don't want to die also poor.

 

[hamtaro]

In an ideal world, all countries would follow the Swiss model (with an inclusive view of long-term, untreatable mental illness as a legitimate reason to end one's life). But even there, it's quite costly....

 

[outrider567]

Incredibly lonely for her, her loss an endless fuel for my depression, which is a way of life not fit for purpose

In an ideal world, all countries would follow the Swiss model (with an inclusive view of long-term, untreatable mental illness as a legitimate reason to end one's life). But even there, it's quite costly....

Belgium: 23 year old woman euthanized the other day by the state,she was the only one that made it after the 2016 terrorist bombing in Belgium(32 fatalities),killed her classmates, guilt spiraled out of control

 

[lionetta12]

I think something we all figure out pretty quickly is just how lonely being suicidal and having depression can be. Having crippling thoughts, urges and tendencies, and then having to keep these thoughts to yourself. Otherwise you'll be quickly deemed a misfit and treated like a freak or outcast. Personally, I don't think there's anything wrong with us but there's plenty wrong with this world when people lose the will to live before they even reach 18. I've been alone since I was a kid but it's nothing compared to the loneliness I feel when planning to ctb. Nobody can know, even if they did they either wouldn't care, can't help or wouldn't understand.

It's expensive too, for someone like me, who is considered an absolute failure by societies standards. I wanted to get drunk off happiness, indulge in as much as I can, really enjoy myself during my last days. Then reality hit me. I need a job to afford the SN and everything else, I need to get the money somehow. Being diagnosed with bpd, depression and agoraphobia while suffering from chronic pain and nerve damage makes that difficult. I know I mention it alot, but it still baffles me how something like this could've happened. Had I had the mind and body I had back then this would've been a lot easier, wish I knew then what I know now.

It's so surreal to be able to look back and pinpoint the exact moment my life was ruined forever. Four years ago I was a completely different person, I worked, I volunteered, I went out with friends at least once every day. I was normal, I was active, I was social, I was happy. Now I'm sitting here, half drunk, trying to arrange my own death like my life depends on it.

All I can think about are the flowers, the dress, the antiemetic, the painpills, the sedatives, the SN or hypothermia..? These thoughts are the one thing that keep me going, give me comfort and peace. Thinking about getting a credit card and running it all up, buy everything I'll need with it. Not gonna have to pay it off anyway once I'm gone.

Who would've thought it'd be so expensive to die? We really are living the dystopian dream.

While we are suffering and just want a simple way out, people will always take an advantage of us and capitalize on it financially. Really sad.

 

[lifeisadream]

Yes, being suicidal is extremely lonely. I'm only 17 and no one legit takes me seriously when i want to open up about my problems and suicidal thoughts. They all think people like us are over exaggerating only because we're "young". It's so brutal that we have to keep all the trauma to ourselves. I wish everyone who is suffering, me included, to find enough courage to end it all

Sending you love & hugs.

That is awful. Being suicidal isn't defined by age. It doesn't suddenly strike at 21, 30...50 etc Age is irrelevant when it comes to trauma & wanting to end the pain. Just demonstrates how screwed up society is if it can't see that suicidal thoughts do happen regardless of age.

Hope that you're able to find a bit of comfort here.