Venting Death is 24/7 on my mind

[katyhere]

Lately I have been getting everything in order to CTB. I got my antiemetics in the mail, ordered my SN and will take care of the remaining things soon. But ever since I started undertaking serious action and opening up about my mental problems I feel like I am going crazy. I think about death 24/7. It's constantly on my mind and I am thinking so so much that it's driving me crazy. I feel like I am no longer able to function like a normal person, like I am living towards the end. Also, never before have I been in such a dark hole. I genuinely feel unable to get out of this but I have to hold on a little longer because the SN isn't in yet. All I can think about is death. About how suicial I am. About what it will be like when I am gone. About what it's like to ctb. Also about all the reasons why I want to leave, which mostly is this overwehelming feeling I have felt my whole life of me not belonging here. Feeling out of place and destined to take my own life. And even though I am completely at peace with these emotions/feelings/thoughtd, it's hard not to be able to talk about it. I feel like I am about to burst. I don't want for anyone to stop me or convince me why not to go, I just want to be able to talk about it. To have an honest conversation about it. But I know I can't have that with anyone close to me because they will not understand. But it's just so incredibely loney to bury this alone, this knowledge that I am about to die very soon. It's consuming me. (EDIT: something else that is on my mind and makes me feel uncomfortable is the idea of being so damn alone on my final day, knowing your about to do something so important and not being able to share it with anyone, talk about it, having to go through it all alone. I wish we could live in a world where we have self-determination over our life and we could talk about these things)

Anyone can relate? Any thoughts on this?

 

[a.n.kirillov]

It's consuming me.

Anyone can relate? Any thoughts on this?

First of all, yes I'm sure most can relate. I had this phase when it went from purely 'hypothetical' ideation to concrete planning, just as you describe, where I felt I was going mad. This has calmed down as I got used to the reality of it, which isn't necessarily a good thing.

Listen it's so hard to advice a stranger over the internet. You say you want to talk to someone and you should really consider whether that would be a viable option. There are downsides or dangers to opening up about stuff like this (this just has to be said; I am not a naive prolifer); on the other hand, we are talking about your life here so don't take it all too lightly. If you think there are possible ways to improve your situation by talking to other people, that they will be accepting and validating and so on, do it.

You will get used to this state and that might be a bad thing in the long run. AFAIK suicide prevention research suggests interventions are most succesfull when the suicidality is relatively new.

You are not alone.
.

also this 'feeling of impending doom' thing is v e r y common. it is also a lie. most of the time it won't persist and you will feel better after a good night's sleep, after a day or two.

 

[LMLN]

You are not alone. Many many here have these feelings. Including me. You can talk about it here. ❤
I'm sorry its come to this for you, for all of us. When this feels like the only escape.

 

[Largeletters]

Definitely can relate, and I can assure you most people on here have had thoughts like this in one way or another. I think of suicide daily, so I understand completely.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I can relate. Suicide is the first thing on my mind when I get out of bed and the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep.

 

[LMLN]

I can relate. Suicide is the first thing on my mind when I get out of bed and the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep.

Me too. :(

 

[Dante]

It has become an obsession for me, I've just not figured out whether it's a good thing or a bad thing

 

[absurd_to_the_end]

EDIT: something else that is on my mind and makes me feel uncomfortable is the idea of being so damn alone on my final day, knowing your about to do something so important and not being able to share it with anyone, talk about it, having to go through it all alone.

I have thought often about this - the final day/moments, and how completely alone it will feel. The rest of the world just moving along, and me alone making this final decision. It spooks me more than anything else about this.

 

[AlreadyGone]

I have thought often about this - the final day/moments, and how completely alone it will feel. The rest of the world just moving along, and me alone making this final decision. It spooks me more than anything else about this.

This is something I think of as well. It is really sad when you think about it and realize that you have no choice in the matter....unless you find a partner to perform the act with which is far too complicated.

 

[Indieblue]

I can relate. I have thought about it since i was around 10. And now i think about it all days.

 

[katyhere]

I can relate. Suicide is the first thing on my mind when I get out of bed and the last thing on my mind before I go to sleep.

So sorry that you're living this way. I know what it's like and personally I think it can drive a person insane. Anyways, it feels good that we are not rare and alone in these feelings/thought.

I have thought often about this - the final day/moments, and how completely alone it will feel. The rest of the world just moving along, and me alone making this final decision. It spooks me more than anything else about this.

Completely agree. What I am planning to do is posting about it on here and talking about it on here, I think it might help a bit. Maybe you can find someone that wants to call/talk to you on your final day on this platform. But yeah, I know how it feels and how weirdish/uncomforting it is to know that essentially we are gonna have to go through it alone.