Venting Death day in 90 days: A small retrospective

[Duochrome-Seahorse]

10 days has passed after my last post about CTB, and so far a few things have happened:

• I hung out with my friend at an event and it was ok, wasn't that memorable
• I started talking to a lot more people/servers, started looking for events to go to now that I have a bit of money so I'm not in my house all day
• reviewing my method a lot deeper to see if I should change my method a little bit, the closer the day comes the more doubt that I have
• did a lot of lifestyle changes (cleaning the house, improving hygiene, eating habits), I can't tell if it's actually doing much however
• debating if I should start deleting everything near the death day.
• thinking about what's going to happen to my stuff after

I've thought long and hard about this decision now, I know I can just not follow thru for any reason, but the closer I get to it, the more I want to do things. The only motivation I have to improve myself is to know that I'm going to die. It makes it all seem a lot more urgent, more important, more meaningful.

Thinking about my exes and ex-friends and my family reactions to my death also motivates me a lot too because I know that they're all going to be fine. My family at least, they'll be ok. everyone I know has friends to talk to. Honestly, just being in this site, on servers, and in real life has shown me that favoritism is above all else, so if I'm not at the top already, it would be as if I never happened. Everyone has a favorite, everyone looks forward to that "one" person to talk to them, and that person isn't me. It never was. No one calls me a best friend, a love of their life, their favorite, and I craved to get that moment in time that when someone looks into a crowd of people, the only person they want to look at is me. I would love to have this experience before I die, I feel like it's the only thing that would make me live a lot longer, but I doubt that day will come, and looking forward to it feels almost pathetic.

I feel pathetic when I like someone. especially if they don't like you the same way. It hurts to appreciate someone who doesn't care about you and your work. I feel like I'm an annoying fan when I want to support my friends and family. I feel so bad because what if I'm not the person they want cheering from? What if they wanted someone else? And I just look stupid? I always need reassurance that I'm not in the way, but how can I be in the way if I was not seen to begin with?

anyways, tried sushi for the first time, tasted amazing! hoping to try it again soon! I wanna eat from a few restaurants I haven't tried before I go, it's nice to try something new and trying to not be picky. I'm proud that I can finally eat mushrooms, avocado, and peppers! I hated the texture for all of them and I tried all of them at least once! yipee!!!

I can't wait to die soon, I'm so fuckign alone :)

 

[neurotic]

I feel pathetic when I like someone. especially if they don't like you the same way. It hurts to appreciate someone who doesn't care about you and your work. I feel like I'm an annoying fan when I want to support my friends and family. I feel so bad because what if I'm not the person they want cheering from? What if they wanted someone else? And I just look stupid? I always need reassurance that I'm not in the way, but how can I be in the way if I was not seen to begin with?

There's no way you could ever know how they feel about you supporting and cheering them on. I'm sure how much it'd matter to you if just one of them took what you said to heart.

You're very brave for exerting yourself despite how sad you've been. Trying to push yourself into social situations with encouraging ones you care for, talking to servers, and trying new things. It's an amazing step that I'm sure a version of you beforehand would be proud of and it also makes Me so proud of you. Maybe the reason you've felt differently is you feel you finally have the hope of escaping this world that has been too cruel and not shown how important you are. I really hope you reconsider because I can read the happiness it's given you through this post. It shows you're still not done fighting yet and you still have happiness to experience in this world. You're not alone and I feel your pain.