I really want this to end. But by that I don't mean death. I want to be my old self again, happy lunatic with 8 imaginary friends and a boundless imagination worrying my lifetime won't be enough for all my planned paintings/art projects. I know dying won't give me anything I want, it won't give me anything at all. I'm a born atheist so no amount of convincing for a infinite consciousness do it for me. Is there anyone among you more well versed in multiverse/string theory that can hopefully convince me I'll awake in a parallel universe?
I want to heal from physical damage I caused on myself, but there hasn't been much hope apart from small incremental progress and it's been a while. I know I only have a chance at healing by staying alive my body slowly(maybe) healing or some waiting for some future progress in medicine. But it's the same day every day for a year now and I had enough.
I'm reading The Amazon and the Page now, because I want to have more biographic data on Reneé Vivien and even though I read all of her books with English translations available, her writing is too obscure to deduce enough about her personal life, apart from the disparaging portrait of her in The Pure and The Impure there's not much else about her life. She died at 32 weighing 70 pounds, following multiple neuritis and alcoholism. It's mostly accepted as a slow motion suicide. Reading about her life encourages me to keep on for a little longer completing this painting, finishing that book(then I'll let myself go I tell myself) it's been this way quite some years even when I wasn't acutely suffering.The desire to having a decent amount of painting/dolls in my portfolio before letting myself rest has always kept me going. Yesterday reading Romaine Brooks only had 18 finished paintings made me feel a little less like a total failure. Anyway reading Reneé Vivien's bioghrapy has been comforting the last few days, making me feel as if I can as well slowly fade away. Death seems peaceful when I think of it as eternal sleep, but being too aware it's sleep without dreams ruins it for me.
I want to heal from physical damage I caused on myself, but there hasn't been much hope apart from small incremental progress and it's been a while. I know I only have a chance at healing by staying alive my body slowly(maybe) healing or some waiting for some future progress in medicine. But it's the same day every day for a year now and I had enough.
I'm reading The Amazon and the Page now, because I want to have more biographic data on Reneé Vivien and even though I read all of her books with English translations available, her writing is too obscure to deduce enough about her personal life, apart from the disparaging portrait of her in The Pure and The Impure there's not much else about her life. She died at 32 weighing 70 pounds, following multiple neuritis and alcoholism. It's mostly accepted as a slow motion suicide. Reading about her life encourages me to keep on for a little longer completing this painting, finishing that book(then I'll let myself go I tell myself) it's been this way quite some years even when I wasn't acutely suffering.The desire to having a decent amount of painting/dolls in my portfolio before letting myself rest has always kept me going. Yesterday reading Romaine Brooks only had 18 finished paintings made me feel a little less like a total failure. Anyway reading Reneé Vivien's bioghrapy has been comforting the last few days, making me feel as if I can as well slowly fade away. Death seems peaceful when I think of it as eternal sleep, but being too aware it's sleep without dreams ruins it for me.
