Dealing with the guilt of leaving my friends

[Lily_bun]

I have SN and should be getting meto next week and I've been struggling to handle the guilt of leaving my friends. I see them as my family and I've tried to distance myself from them but they won't let me go. Idk what to do to try and make my CTB easier on them. I've already hurt them so much and I don't want to add to it. Any advice would be appreciated.

 

[Dingusguy]

If it was me I would begin writing a bunch of personalized notes to all of them and I would leave them somewhere people would find it once someone comes looking for me.

I am not sure if it would help your friends but I know I will leave notes when my time comes, purely to help provide whatever small amount of closure I can manage.

 

[FuneralCry]

That must be a difficult situation to be in, if one wants to make ctb easier on others in my view one could write notes to act as an explanation for those left behind and to try and make them understand. But anyway best wishes.

 

[Lily_bun]

Yeah I wrote a 5 page note that explains in detail my feelings and why I went through with it. I just can't live with ptsd anymore and being trans is a constantly exhausting having people either hate me or fetishize me. I just hope that's enough for them to understand my stance.

 

[MatrixPrisoner]

Sounds like you have great friends. Could you all accomplish something together?

 

[Lily_bun]

Sounds like you have great friends. Could you all accomplish something together?

They're aware of how I am doing mentally and do help a lot in that regard but I'm just a burden to them. Not to mention it's not like there is a cure for ptsd and I can't afford the cost of my transition so I feel like this is the only path going forward.

 

[the_last_race]

You won't add anything, as you die the universe for all intents and purposes ceases to exist.

 

[sorrowful]

I just lost someone I love to suicide, hurt is unavoidable, but there are a few things I think that could make acceptance a little easier. Currently the main two thoughts that are going through my head are, "I hope he knew that I loved him." "Was there anything more I could've said?"

So, I'd suggest making a point that there was nothing else anyone around you could've done. The main thing for me is unknowing, and it leaves a strong sense of guilt that I hadn't done enough, that I should've tried harder. It's difficult being someone that is also planning on CTB, I know how for me there is nothing anyone could do to help, but it doesn't remove that sense of failure. I'd also say to add that you knew they cared/loved you, and why you chose to CTB. Truth is, even with people around that care, it cannot save you. There are problems we face that are just completely out of anyone's control. Sometimes hurt is too deeply embedded into us, and all the love in the world couldn't change that, and that is just reality of this hellish existence.

Regardless, I wish you luck. Be as honest as possible, and say everything that you can. Much love.

 

[Lily_bun]

I just lost someone I love to suicide, hurt is unavoidable, but there are a few things I think that could make acceptance a little easier. Currently the main two thoughts that are going through my head are, "I hope he knew that I loved him." "Was there anything more I could've said?"

So, I'd suggest making a point that there was nothing else anyone around you could've done. The main thing for me is unknowing, and it leaves a strong sense of guilt that I hadn't done enough, that I should've tried harder. It's difficult being someone that is also planning on CTB, I know how for me there is nothing anyone could do to help, but it doesn't remove that sense of failure. I'd also say to add that you knew they cared/loved you, and why you chose to CTB. Truth is, even with people around that care, it cannot save you. There are problems we face that are just completely out of anyone's control. Sometimes hurt is too deeply embedded into us, and all the love in the world couldn't change that, and that is just reality of this hellish existence.

Regardless, I wish you luck. Be as honest as possible, and say everything that you can. Much love.

Yeah that's what I was thinking because I've also lost friends as well and felt the same way. All I can do is hope what I write answers all their questions. I love them all immensely

 

[coffeebeany]

Yeah I wrote a 5 page note that explains in detail my feelings and why I went through with it. I just can't live with ptsd anymore and being trans is a constantly exhausting having people either hate me or fetishize me. I just hope that's enough for them to understand my stance.

I m in the same situation. It is terrible. Whenever I try to write such a note I get overwhelmed by emotions and am unble to continue. My mind goes blank too an I don't know what I should include in this letter.

 

[Lily_bun]

I m in the same situation. It is terrible. Whenever I try to write such a note I get overwhelmed by emotions and am unble to continue. My mind goes blank too an I don't know what I should include in this letter.

It took me two years of revisions and 3 failed attempts to get my letter where it is now. It wasn't an easy process

 

[coffeebeany]

It took me two years of revisions and 3 failed attempts to get my letter where it is now. It wasn't an easy process

I can imagine. It takes so much strength.

 

[SleepingBliss]

Once I've taken my sn I will send a goodbye to friends on snapchat but preface that I have already taken it so there is no convincing me. I will apologise and thank them for being amazing friends and made a hard life better with their presence in it

 

[Lily_bun]

Once I've taken my sn I will send a goodbye to friends on snapchat but preface that I have already taken it so there is no convincing me. I will apologise and thank them for being amazing friends and made a hard life better with their presence in it

I like that I'll probably do the same thing when my time comes around I would like to give them one last goodbye