Abyss Dweller
Member
- Jul 29, 2025
- 54
First things first: please I beg you if you are dealing with OCD or you think you may have a suspectable mind to it just stop reading right here and leave this post.
Typing out stuff helps however briefly so why not type things out here as well.
I have a rather long, unhealthy relation with porn. Thankfully for the past months I've been completely off of it but I wonder if the damage is done and that's it..
Through my early 'usage' I was attracted to dominant women and to this day I don't really have a problem with that.
However during this last summer I went to a dominatrix which was a threesome (rather not go into details) and it contained a single bisexual moment. Now even in that moment I felt like it was absolutely disgusting and I still shiver if it comes into my mind. Two random internet comment later on a bright Friday afternoon the thought popped into my head: "what if I'm gay?" I quickly brushed it away as ridiculous but then it continued: "think about it if you are there's nothing you can do about it".
And just like that horror and dread came over me. I felt sick and I couldn't shake these thoughts away ever since. There are better days and worse days since that day.
I was diagnosed with OCD by 2 psychiatrist and even though sexual orientation can't be diagnosed they are on the opinion that I'm heterosexual. I'm also seeing a sexual pyschologist who shares this opinion. I also strongly believe it.
I told my older sister, I told my dad, both of them had perfect reactions. Told 2 of my close friends, same thing, very good reactions.
But it doesn't really seem to help.
Unfortunately during some days on december I had these 'episodes' where I freaked out about it really badly and the only thing I could think of is that if after all of this it turns out that I'm gay I'll kill myself in that instant. I don't care if I'm not living in Afganistan, I don't care who would accept and who wouldn't. I simply refuse to live that existence.
We talked about this with the sexual pyschologist and it's not hidden homophobia and I don't think it is a defence mechanism so I don't try to get a girlfriend. My best guess is that I was blessed with a mind that is really suspectable to OCD and it managed to find something I have no control over.
I also had health related similar fears like I feared I lost some of my hearing so for a while I was checking my hearing once or twice a day to make sure. During my early 20s I had IBS like symptoms (let's just say it was purely psychological) and even then the worst thing wasn't the physical symptoms but my constant fear surronding it. "What if I shit myself during this train ride." Very fun way to live let me tell you.
I heard in an interview that pure O may latch itself on something that you hold dear or is close to you. I always liked being a heterosexual male and I still do. I always liked women's butts a lot and still do. So maybe that is why this was chosen by my brain. Or that it is simply something I can't control and that is terrifying enough itself.. I know at least with the health related stuff if I get checked out I do calm down. With this I think I know that it is simply not something that can be diagnosed and as a result a mental health professional telling me that I'm heterosexual is not enough. Though it is still a lot better than if they told me the opposite.
I simply can't answer you why the thought of what if I'm gay terrifies me this much. I just can't answer it. I don't know.
If by some chance someone read this absolute madness.. I don't know.. thank you.. and whatever you are dealing with however little it matters please know that a random stranger on the internet trully wishes you the best.
Typing out stuff helps however briefly so why not type things out here as well.
I have a rather long, unhealthy relation with porn. Thankfully for the past months I've been completely off of it but I wonder if the damage is done and that's it..
Through my early 'usage' I was attracted to dominant women and to this day I don't really have a problem with that.
However during this last summer I went to a dominatrix which was a threesome (rather not go into details) and it contained a single bisexual moment. Now even in that moment I felt like it was absolutely disgusting and I still shiver if it comes into my mind. Two random internet comment later on a bright Friday afternoon the thought popped into my head: "what if I'm gay?" I quickly brushed it away as ridiculous but then it continued: "think about it if you are there's nothing you can do about it".
And just like that horror and dread came over me. I felt sick and I couldn't shake these thoughts away ever since. There are better days and worse days since that day.
I was diagnosed with OCD by 2 psychiatrist and even though sexual orientation can't be diagnosed they are on the opinion that I'm heterosexual. I'm also seeing a sexual pyschologist who shares this opinion. I also strongly believe it.
I told my older sister, I told my dad, both of them had perfect reactions. Told 2 of my close friends, same thing, very good reactions.
But it doesn't really seem to help.
Unfortunately during some days on december I had these 'episodes' where I freaked out about it really badly and the only thing I could think of is that if after all of this it turns out that I'm gay I'll kill myself in that instant. I don't care if I'm not living in Afganistan, I don't care who would accept and who wouldn't. I simply refuse to live that existence.
We talked about this with the sexual pyschologist and it's not hidden homophobia and I don't think it is a defence mechanism so I don't try to get a girlfriend. My best guess is that I was blessed with a mind that is really suspectable to OCD and it managed to find something I have no control over.
I also had health related similar fears like I feared I lost some of my hearing so for a while I was checking my hearing once or twice a day to make sure. During my early 20s I had IBS like symptoms (let's just say it was purely psychological) and even then the worst thing wasn't the physical symptoms but my constant fear surronding it. "What if I shit myself during this train ride." Very fun way to live let me tell you.
I heard in an interview that pure O may latch itself on something that you hold dear or is close to you. I always liked being a heterosexual male and I still do. I always liked women's butts a lot and still do. So maybe that is why this was chosen by my brain. Or that it is simply something I can't control and that is terrifying enough itself.. I know at least with the health related stuff if I get checked out I do calm down. With this I think I know that it is simply not something that can be diagnosed and as a result a mental health professional telling me that I'm heterosexual is not enough. Though it is still a lot better than if they told me the opposite.
I simply can't answer you why the thought of what if I'm gay terrifies me this much. I just can't answer it. I don't know.
If by some chance someone read this absolute madness.. I don't know.. thank you.. and whatever you are dealing with however little it matters please know that a random stranger on the internet trully wishes you the best.
