Venting Dead end

[deerme]

I've struggled with mental health sense I was young. I've been diagnosed with, ADHD, depression, anxiety, bipolar, cluster b traits/bpd, I'm trans and who knows what else at this point. I've been diagnosed, undiagnosed, and my medicines change too often. It's hard to tell what's my emotions and what might be a side effect. I don't know what causes what because everything I've ever been diagnosed with all overlaps in symptoms.
I'm at a point in my life where I no longer feel like I can properly function as an adult. I have a been in and out of the mental hospital for suicidal ideations as well as an attempt 3 different times over the past year. I can barely go a day without breaking down in tears, I can't keep up with my classes and I'm afraid I'm marching towards another hospital stay. I'm so lost and don't know where to go or what to do. Everywhere I turn I get the exact same empty words of half baked encouragement.
My parents are absent in my life, I live in my own apartment. I can't quit college because I pay 90% of rent on scholarships and loans, but I don't feel like I can even graduate at the rate I'm at. I'd rather die than work a minimum wage job the rest of my life. At the same time if I can't even handle college how would I have a career? I'm half considering dropping and applying for disability but that basically gives up on any chances of the life I've dreamed of and fought for. I just feel like I'm drowning and no one will even acknowledge it and only offer kind words. I don't want anyone to morne my funeral because they never cared enough to even listen to me. I have been screaming for help this whole time. I've tried everything to be better. I want to be better, do they think anyone wants to feel like this? I've begged for help, it's not a secret among those who know me I'm suicidal. Yet no changes has been made. No one checks in on me, and no one cares. I can only do so much on my own and I can't push myself anymore. I'm just so tired I want to scream!!!!

 

[Freedomindeath4me]

I unfortunately can relate to your point of being diagnosed and undiagnosed with shit and being in and out of psych wards. Ultimately psychiatry is the softest science that can still be called a medical science. There are no objective tests for mental illness. We do not have a solid scientific understanding of what exactly is malfunctioning in the mentally ill brain. I've been diagnosed with shit I don't have and never diagnosed with shit I definitely do have [OCD and BDD], simply because I never properly presented the case for them in the short periods of time mental health professionals have spoken with me.

Also about applying for disability - I do not know if you're an American but I can tell you if you are it's very bad. Work if you can. You would get SSI [IF you could get it at all] due to lack of significant work history and the maximum amount it pays in 2022 is just $851 a month. It's pretty hard to get as well. And the fact that you've been going to college may actually work against you, they might presume competence in your ability to work. Ignore if you're not American but do lots of research into the situation in your country.

I hope you find peace whatever you do.

 

[deerme]

wh

I unfortunately can relate to your point of being diagnosed and undiagnosed with shit and being in and out of psych wards. Ultimately psychiatry is the softest science that can still be called a medical science. There are no objective tests for mental illness. We do not have a solid scientific understanding of what exactly is malfunctioning in the mentally ill brain. I've been diagnosed with shit I don't have and never diagnosed with shit I definitely do have [OCD and BDD], simply because I never properly presented the case for them in the short periods of time mental health professionals have spoken with me.

Also about applying for disability - I do not know if you're an American but I can tell you if you are it's very bad. Work if you can. You would get SSI [IF you could get it at all] due to lack of significant work history and the maximum amount it pays in 2022 is just $851 a month. It's pretty hard to get as well. And the fact that you've been going to college may actually work against you, they might presume competence in your ability to work. Ignore if you're not American but do lots of research into the situation in your country.

I hope you find peace whatever you do.

what options do I even have? if I were to even get disability how does that even let me live??? Am I just expected to work myself to death??? it's the only alternative!!! I'm going to go insane

 

[Freedomindeath4me]

wh

what options do I even have? if I were to even get disability how does that even let me live??? Am I just expected to work myself to death??? it's the only alternative!!! I'm going to go insane

You're reliant on other social programs and have to get used to not having luxuries in life.

 

[FuneralCry]

I'm sorry that you are suffering so much, it must be so unbearable what you are going through. I hope you find relief from your pain in whatever happens.

 

[MellowAvenue]

I really don't like half-baked pleasantries either, but this will probably feel like it.

You got to a point to live in your own apartment off scholarships. That's honestly huge! There's a lot of people who would envy that as that means for college you've already established more financial independence than many others have or had. Out of curiosity, if you're willing to disclose, what are you at school for? Also you did mention loans, how sizable are those? Regardless you put in that work. I think it shows you can do this if you breathe and stay focused.

I would definitely advise against dropping out to rely on social programs. As someone else said they are pretty awful in the States and only get worse if you don't have much of a work history. It'd likely be a huge waste and you'd still be expected to pay back those loans somehow… Unless Student Loan Debt finally gets cancelled anyway but even then if they were to limit it to people who graduated you'd still be in shit creek.

Is there anyone else at the university, a professor or counselor perhaps, that you haven't spoken to that you trust? I will tell you this can be risky as it's hard to tell how someone will react and I'd probably not disclose your suicidal ideation (It's more likely to cause a knee jerk reaction in some people) but maybe looking towards help in a more unexpected place will help you find someone who can offer you the help you need.

I also wanted to say I'm sorry your parents aren't around. I lost mine early too and know how mentally devastating that can be especially if you already had other issues going on and a weak support network. I wish you the best in however you decide to handle this.

 

[deerme]

I really don't like half-baked pleasantries either, but this will probably feel like it.

You got to a point to live in your own apartment off scholarships. That's honestly huge! There's a lot of people who would envy that as that means for college you've already established more financial independence than many others have or had. Out of curiosity, if you're willing to disclose, what are you at school for? Also you did mention loans, how sizable are those? Regardless you put in that work. I think it shows you can do this if you breathe and stay focused.

I would definitely advise against dropping out to rely on social programs. As someone else said they are pretty awful in the States and only get worse if you don't have much of a work history. It'd likely be a huge waste and you'd still be expected to pay back those loans somehow… Unless Student Loan Debt finally gets cancelled anyway but even then if they were to limit it to people who graduated you'd still be in shit creek.

Is there anyone else at the university, a professor or counselor perhaps, that you haven't spoken to that you trust? I will tell you this can be risky as it's hard to tell how someone will react and I'd probably not disclose your suicidal ideation (It's more likely to cause a knee jerk reaction in some people) but maybe looking towards help in a more unexpected place will help you find someone who can offer you the help you need.

I also wanted to say I'm sorry your parents aren't around. I lost mine early too and know how mentally devastating that can be especially if you already had other issues going on and a weak support network. I wish you the best in however you decide to handle this.

I really appreciate your ideas. Sadly! I've tried all this so far. I have accomodations at college for my mental health and it's still too much for me to handle. The reason I'm so frustrated is because I can't handle this!!! I go to 3 classes a day and barely do anything else and I'm having constant breakdowns. College doesn't give you second chances and if I fuck up I lose those scholarships and won't be able to afford to continue college anyway. .-.

 

[onlyanimalsaregood]

I'm so sorry for your suffering. I wish I could help. Please know that you are not alone and we, are here for you. I hope you can find a solution and peace.

 

[CommitSudoku]

I'm at the point where I got through college and now I don't know how I'm still handling a career, it's usually barely at all tbh. Humans can be extremely remarkable in how much we end up doing and how far we push ourselves past what we think we are capable of. It's admirable you got yourself to where you are now and I'm sorry things are going so poorly. I think a post like this is good though. I feel if I had actually thought about the future in college more I'd be in a better place mentally. So I think it's good you're trying to figure things out. I'm sorry you got to such a desperate point though.

There are many many jobs out there so something could fit you well potentially. Maybe you could talk to counselors in school and get their input on post college things. For college itself I guess just find what your scholarships require for you to keep them and beyond that I don't know since I've always struggled with motivation. Maybe find someone to keep you accountable. I'm sorry you feel like you're drowning, it's a horrible way to try to live. I can relate to what you said about feeling like you're screaming for help but get nothing, now I'm to a point where social anxiety and exhaustion have ruined me. I'd love to reach out to people but don't know if I'm allowed and am fairly certain I'm unwanted. I write too much as well. And I can't even offer to be around with my vastly limited time. I wish I could offer you anything as it sounds like you've really worked hard and I hope you can reap the benefits eventually. Best wishes whatever you decide to do.