Venting Days like this, I don’t even know why I continue to stay.

[BlueButterfly111]

Someone close to me told me to kill myself a few hours ago, yes I'm fully aware that the person is a jerk and an asshole, but I have no other choice but to be around them for now. It's not the first time that they said that to me, and unfortunately I'm just use to this kind of treatment from most people due to being autistic. The only person who was ever nice to me was my boyfriend who died, everyone else seems to just be waiting for me to ctb, but it won't happen today.

It just really sucks, I tried really hard and I think I finally found myself a job, but it's like I can't even feel good about it, and I have no one to celebrate it with. It's days like this, as the title says, that I question why I'm still alive and why I still continue to try. This is why I'm trying to get my own place, even if I have to live in my car, I'd rather be homeless at this point than to continue to be mistreated everyday. I doubt I'm gonna ever be able to live independently with a good quality of life due to being disabled, not having any support, and how expensive everything is.

Also, even if I did it's like I'll still be lonely because my boyfriend isn't here anymore and I'll always be alone in life, I just miss him so much! I've never missed anyone that way, even when he was still alive I used to miss him and wait for his text messages every day, and smile whenever I got a message from him. I use to be so excited whenever he came to get me and just to be able to spend time with him.

I know I've been very annoying with posting so much here, I even annoy myself when I hit the post button, but writing on a platform where someone will see it is the only way that I seem to be able to cope for now. I can't go back to using substances like alcohol, my body physically won't let me at this point, and I'm just trying to stay strong to prevent myself from ctb, so this is what I do. I cry to myself and write in order to cope, hoping that one day things will get better.

So yeah, today is just one of those days where I'm questioning everything about why I'm even continuing to stay alive. Sometimes it feels like I might just be surviving solely on some kind of survival instinct. I told myself that I was gonna try to make it to the end of this year if I can, in order to try to get better and get my own place so I can have some peace, and that's what I'm trying my hardest to do. I just feel so alone, I guess I'm just too sensitive for this world.

 

[woofwag]

I'm so sorry that happened and I'm so sorry for your loss. That is such a devastating thing to have happen to you, especially with someone you were that close with. It makes total sense you'd be feeling this disparaged.

I'm really glad you're trying so hard to still make it. Getting a job, moving out even if you have to be homeless, trying to put yourself in situations where you won't be mistreated are great steps. It speaks a lot to your strength. I can feel through your words how much you care and want to have a life with less pain and stress on yourself.

Despite saying you're living purely by survival instinct, it's clear to me that you do care, but have been under so much stress and grief that it has worn you down. But people who are living purely off of survival instinct don't take these steps to try and live that you are. If all you had was survival instinct, you would not be seeking care, strength, connection, or ways to help yourself. You're willing to do such difficult things to live, and that isn't the actions of someone who has completely resigned themself to dying.

You are not annoying for posting. You are seeking connection and support. And that is exactly the type of thing a person who wants to have a less painful, more fulfilling life does. Especially the fact that you posted here in the recovery section as it is tells me you are someone who wants to have that, even if the world feels so overwhelming right now. I post a lot too, so you're not not alone in this if that helps you feel any better.

I really hope you can continue to lean into that strength. And you don't have to do it alone. We're all here to listen and to try to support your search for peace in whatever form that may take. I believe in you <3

 

[vyvanceandvodka]

I'm sorry you were spoken to like that :( For what it's worth, I'm proud of you for getting a job! I'm really rooting for you to get your own place and succeed. I believe in you friend.

 

[BlueButterfly111]

I'm so sorry that happened and I'm so sorry for your loss. That is such a devastating thing to have happen to you, especially with someone you were that close with. It makes total sense you'd be feeling this disparaged.

I'm really glad you're trying so hard to still make it. Getting a job, moving out even if you have to be homeless, trying to put yourself in situations where you won't be mistreated are great steps. It speaks a lot to your strength. I can feel through your words how much you care and want to have a life with less pain and stress on yourself.

Despite saying you're living purely by survival instinct, it's clear to me that you do care, but have been under so much stress and grief that it has worn you down. But people who are living purely off of survival instinct don't take these steps to try and live that you are. If all you had was survival instinct, you would not be seeking care, strength, connection, or ways to help yourself. You're willing to do such difficult things to live, and that isn't the actions of someone who has completely resigned themself to dying.

You are not annoying for posting. You are seeking connection and support. And that is exactly the type of thing a person who wants to have a less painful, more fulfilling life does. Especially the fact that you posted here in the recovery section as it is tells me you are someone who wants to have that, even if the world feels so overwhelming right now. I post a lot too, so you're not not alone in this if that helps you feel any better.

I really hope you can continue to lean into that strength. And you don't have to do it alone. We're all here to listen and to try to support your search for peace in whatever form that may take. I believe in you <3

Thank you so much for the kind words, and the support! I'm trying my best, but believe it or not, some days like this I've gotten so close to giving up. I try to use the memories of my boyfriend's love as strength, and I imagine that he's still with me and it gets me through the hard days like this! :) Thanks again, I really appreciate it!

I'm sorry you were spoken to like that :( For what it's worth, I'm proud of you for getting a job! I'm really rooting for you to get your own place and succeed. I believe in you friend.

You seem so nice and sweet, thank you so much for caring!