Venting day to day life

[Kittzuni]

I cried almost non stop for roughly 16 hours yesterday. After that I feel asleep due to exhaustion and taking 1 or 2 mg alprazolam and some sirdalud. I got woken up by my husband raping me, probably because we didn't have sex for a few days, maybe 1 or 2 weeks. I don't know for sure as I've been too depressed. After he was done I tried to cuddle with him/lay on his chest but he pushed me away and turned around to fall asleep without me. I silently cried myself to sleep.

The next day I managed to get up for work and do some household chorses as usual while working (I have the privilege of working 100% remote. I felt a little motivated and high energy so I even fixed and painted the walls. When my husband came home I told him about it expecting him to be proud of me but I guess he wanted me to do other housework instead. He reacted rather cold and left to go to bed staring at his phone right away. I joined him in bed thinking about what to say but couldn't think of anything. Seeing him staring at his phone reminded me of the good days we had and how we used to spend our evenings so I downward spiraled and silently started crying. After a while he noticed and got really angry with me.. he mumbled something along the lines of "shut up", went out of the room and shut the door which made me burst out in tears. He then continued to mock my crying.

I can't wait for my SN to arrive.

Just the usual. Anyway, how's your day to day life?

 

[Jezzibell]

I am really sorry but you deserve so much better. You need to read the signs as he appears to be quite hardened towards you and your feelings and in my experience, once this starts between a couple, it does not change.

You are your priority and at the very least he needs to show you respect. I really am sorry. This is a terrible way for you to be treated.

My day is always the same. Its the monotonous ŕoutine that is soul destroying.

Again, I'm really appalled at the way he is treating you. Like I said, you deserve much better xxx sending you virtual support and strength.

 

[lookingforsanctuary]

The way you're being treated is absolutely not OK. Is there a way you can safely get yourself away from your husband?

 

[WaffleWoman]

I am so sorry you have to go through this i hope things turn up for you.

Is there anyway you can get out of the house to a safe place?

 

[Mirrory Me]

I'm sorry, you probably understand that it isin't good for you to stay with him... You are suffering and he doesn't care about you. Get out of there quickly if you have the chance.

 

[Kittzuni]

Thank you all for your kind words, I appreciate your concern.

once this starts between a couple, it does not change.

While it really saddens me to admit this.. I know what you've said is true. I was originally planning to clean the apartment completely, sell some old stuff, sort out all of our finances, spend one last nice weekend together, etc. so he has it easier after I'm gone. Due to the way he's been treating me these few days/weeks/months I've decided to abandon that idea and ctb asap though.

Get out of there quickly if you have the chance.

Is there anyway you can get out of the house to a safe place?

I could technically easily leave. It's not like he's trapping me here or being physically violent (except the frequent sexual abuse). I've also been the main breadwinner for the most part of our relationship as I've always been a "high functional" suicidal person while he was unemployed for almost a year.

It's just the emotions... the hope and the love I still have for him. I've been suicidal since I was molested by my half brother when I was 9. I've always wanted to ctb and I've had many unsuccessful attempts over the years so it's been long overdue. Soon I won't have to endure any more pain as this forum has finally helped me find a secure method.
I won't leave him a note due to reasons I've stated in a different post but he will be the one to find my body. I wonder if he's gonna change after that or fall into an even deeper hole. I'm guessing it will be the latter. I saved up a lot of money so we can become parents and buy a house... I'm guessing he'll use all of it for drugs after I'm gone.

The way you're being treated is absolutely not OK.

That's true but there are always two parts to each story. You're just hearing my side. I'm sure he has his reasons. On top of that he's probably going to regret it a lot later.

 

[Jezzibell]

Yes. He really does take you for granted. I'm sorry about your earlier abuse. I was the same age and it was my step brother and then later my grandfather. I completely understand the lifelong trauma associated with this. This means his abuse of you, given that he knows your past, is even more deplorable.

Whatever you decide, we are all here to offer virtual support xxxxx

 

[EmpathyMinded]

I cried almost non stop for roughly 16 hours yesterday. After that I feel asleep due to exhaustion and taking 1 or 2 mg alprazolam and some sirdalud. I got woken up by my husband raping me, probably because we didn't have sex for a few days, maybe 1 or 2 weeks. I don't know for sure as I've been too depressed. After he was done I tried to cuddle with him/lay on his chest but he pushed me away and turned around to fall asleep without me. I silently cried myself to sleep.

The next day I managed to get up for work and do some household chorses as usual while working (I have the privilege of working 100% remote. I felt a little motivated and high energy so I even fixed and painted the walls. When my husband came home I told him about it expecting him to be proud of me but I guess he wanted me to do other housework instead. He reacted rather cold and left to go to bed staring at his phone right away. I joined him in bed thinking about what to say but couldn't think of anything. Seeing him staring at his phone reminded me of the good days we had and how we used to spend our evenings so I downward spiraled and silently started crying. After a while he noticed and got really angry with me.. he mumbled something along the lines of "shut up", went out of the room and shut the door which made me burst out in tears. He then continued to mock my crying.

I can't wait for my SN to arrive.

Just the usual. Anyway, how's your day to day life?

Before you try CTB, you need to try leaving this asshole. Either choice you make you are leaving him behind, so why not do this now, so you can have peace of mind from him at least. Do that and take some time. If you still don't feel better, you can still CTB anyway.

He isn't going to change. I don't care what he treated to like in the past, rape is not something that makes someone still deserve a chance to change, nor is it the behavior of someone who wants to change. I know you don't want to hear this, but you have battered wife syndrome when it comes to this guy. The intermittent odd nice thing is letting you believe he still cares more than he doesn't.

Nobody who cares about somebody violates their consent to serve their, and only their, personal interests.

I'm actively pissed off this is happening to you. You seem really sweet and thoughtful and fun. Please consider what I've suggested. If you need any support, anybody to cent to, anything at all from me, do not hesitate to message me personally. I want to be there for you, if that is something you want. You don't have to be alone in this.

 

[Aisley]

Day to day, indeed. A cuddle afterward probably would have nearly redeened the whole thing for you, too. We ask for so little, don't we?

You know, what EmpathyMinded said is true, that you're leaving him already. Have you considered actually leaving him? You got money. You got that cat. You could, is all I'm saying. Real stupid of me, but I don't know if you've thought about it.

 

[Kittzuni]

Day to day, indeed. A cuddle afterward probably would have nearly redeened the whole thing for you, too. We ask for so little, don't we?

You know, what EmpathyMinded said is true, that you're leaving him already. Have you considered actually leaving him? You got money. You got that cat. You could, is all I'm saying. Real stupid of me, but I don't know if you've thought about it.

Honestly yes.. a cuddle would have fixed everything for me..

I'd just feel like such a failure. I've wanted children with this man.. a house.. a dog or two... a family.

I'm sure I won't be seriously dating anyone else after him cause no one will ever come close to the way we loved each other. The mutual understanding we had for each other was out of this world. I've always been very codependent with my partners but with him it's on a different level.

I could technically leave but I'm scared of the consequences and the trouble those bring. What if I get suicidal again.. which will happen for sure. Who will take care of my cat if I have left him by then? The stress with lawyers and everything else and on top of that all the loneliness it would bring. God I can't deal with even the thought of that.

I get nightmares whenever he's not in bed with me. I wake up after my body feels he's not in bed anymore.

 

[TheDevilsAngel]

My day to day life is crap. I'm always anxious and overwhelmed also depressed and the few people around me make me feel worse and even more ugly. I wish we didn't have to suffer I think about the people who have good lives. What are so many of us punished