Venting Day to day is not getting better

[Livingvsdying25]

I thought "hey death wish? Yayy gonna make end my life?

Yeee nah... tbh its been boring, guilty, angry and just exhausting.

I have not gotten to any planning and will tmrw but today I made the decision or mistake of talking to my third newest worker person and it was an ok convo buttttt.... exhausting finally I think he understood the scope of my issues and my own anger and tiredness with it all.

The redundant convos with people where I have hope by ignoring the poverty and health issues and then when I am tryna deal I crash. Over and over. So yeah hes gonna talk to my other worker and "see what can be done" but holding out hope now suffocates me.

I dunno how my life got to this point bc usually id be excited to hear that. Id be excited to hear back but now I feel just blank and more determined to die.

All this left me feeling a little too bitter to meet with my friend and said I would meet tmrw as I needa jus isolate this evening. Ima gonna try to meet with her this week. Im gonna try to give the best of me to those I love/care for until im gone. My ex (most recent one we dated last yr he was sweet but it was too rushed at the time) we had recently reconnected but I felt bad / hard to connect but ima try to this week. I dunno why connecting with people I care about when suicidal is so hard but is it.

I wonder if I should even bother. Do I make a schedule for myself like "from 9am-1pm Ima suicide plan and 1pm-9pm gonna socialize or try to within those hours" maybe? Bc I needa get some shit done...

I got her package which added to the guilt buttttt sighhhhsss.... I shall I dunno urgh I have a bracelet to give her and photos I was gonna give her but maybe that'd be too sad now I dunno..

See this is why interpersonal stuff and suicide gets me all fucked up. I could live off this love and care but I cannot bc it doesn't translate to love of my own for life.


This is rambles to bring myself down but ALSOOOOOOO MY MONEY / CHEQUE IS COMIN TODAY OR TMRW FUCK YAHHHSSSSS

Gonna order some cannabis products the minute it does and chill out


Ackk!! That reminds me needs cancel therapy bc that'll be a whole mess of feeling I cannot get out or contain within an hour and half.


I checked and my acoustic electric guitar that was given to me/have the least attachment to for reasons I don't wanna get into... is at least $400-$900!!! Its in GREAT condition despite not having a case looks like the funding for nitrogen is gonna go smoothly WOOOOOOOOOOOOPPPPPP plus I have an acoustic & I have an electric guitar so selling this one works well.

I can't wait. Like I seriously cannot wait. I just needa figure out a supplier.


I think life is so so complicated. The faster I can get off this hellish ride the better. But I am also cautious bc I know I am rushing bc I don't wanna be convinced of being able to manage and thrive in life. Only to crash later when I see it isnt.

Oh god how I'd love to stay. I'd love to do so many things. Im soo sad to leave but... I just... don't know how to live this life anymore ya kno?

So I am feeling the full scope of feelings and its shit tbh. It's a lot... I mean this is what's therapy is for but my therapist is too... hmm not pushy but always tried to convince me of outside perspective which is ok at times but very frustrating when I just want my perspective to matter/I don't wanna be convinced? Ugh maybe I'll keep the appt for now

Anyway as I was writing this I got my money and order my cannabis products and starting to get hungry so yeeee

Korean corn dogs for dinner bc they are my like repeat food rn. Grilled cheese and Korean corn dogs.

Honestly can I just be honest? Life is better with money and I live below the poverty line on disability so thats probs why it makes such a difference for me.

Yeeeee feel my body calming down. Day dreaming doesn't even hit anymore bc it's always been about what could be and now I'm like tryna not have those "could be's"

Needa disconnect into my own head for a bit. Peace / later y'all

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Honestly I dunno if I can handle interpersonal relations anymore/while actively planning to die. It's extremely activations and very conflicting/confusing.

I dunno. I just... ugh. It's been a few hours and I just feel really freaking unsettled. Uncomfortable body wise.

Im drinking a cannabis drink and I ordered some dinner but jesus christ I am so...

Guilty & Uncomfortable. Lively and energized...

My mind is filled with living possibilities. It's so freaking conflicting. It messes with my nervous system.


Im also noticing that I am feeling like myself again. I haven't felt like this in months. I feel like my laughing, dreaming, emotional, innovative, creative etc self again. My mental dialog (like the adhd mental dialog) is back.

I feel like singing & dancing. I feel like living...

Wtf is happening to me... and why...

I want to connect with those I care about. Like my body wants to live but my mind can't handle it.

No decisions needa be made tonight but.... woah...

I'm feeling scared bc the life ahead of me is too much. I've acknowledged that and its too much but... Im scared bc even tho it's too much there is so much in me & around me that could make it fun & worth it to live.

But I dunno how to do that. I dunno how to lessen the load I am holding. I dunno how to survive this.

Sooo I don't wanna allow myself to enjoy life too much. I can't stay attached anymore.

Urghhh. So conflicted.

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I have eaten, ordered some Japanese & korean snacks that I am excited to eat. Got my cannabis capsules & drinks.

My friend sent me a tea, coffee beans & mud water: rest which is a combo of relaxing natural ingredients. I made some with milk similar to how she made it for me when I visited in February. Omg my friend is amazing. I wanna share about February. My floor needed to be fixed and I was overwhelmed with it all like my whole floor was replaced. I was anxious about cleaning up/packing things up. My dad was supposed to come but as usual ditched me last minute and didn't even communicate it. She kinda expected that and planned a bit for it. Like she let me come over & helped pay. She came.back with me to my place & stayed here while the floor was being done and I stayed at the hotel. She went to Ikea and bought me some items to make my place more comfy. We went to this cool witchy store.

I was a mess. I was depressed and suicidal but didn't wanna admit it. Eventually I did but I was crying, depressed, detached and jus... not doing well.

She really took care of me. So I wanna take a moment to celebrate that in this post. Being suicidal & traumatized & all that has always made me feel unlovable. She has shown me that that is wrong.

So....

Yeah.. I'm having feelings of leaving such a person and the trauma it'll cause...

Anyway ok so for my night update... as I was saying thoughts be everywhere but yee ate and such. Got my medicine (cannabis) and comfort items.

Made some of the mudwater and lit an incense and took CBN capsules. So a lil bit of a night routine. I'm gonna try to brush my teeth too.


I wanna relax for the night & really hope this mud water helps with the sleep. The mudwater is pretty hot rn but it'll cool down enough soon.


Goodnight everyone. I probably won't sleep until around 12an and its like 10pm rn. For some reason 12am is the time my body gets sleepy nowadays. Gonna choose something repetitive but calming enough to watch to get to sleep. Gonna brush my teeth now actually. And try to wait 30 mins to drink my mudwater.


Today I am ending the day feeling ok. Im feeling conflicted but I am feeling loved and such. I'm feeling... content in ways? I dunno it's a very calm but kinda anxious feel? Yeee... a mix of emotions.

The world is confusing but I am trying my best. Hope everyone has a good night(or day)

 

[MrDarkness]

I'm glad to see your life is getting better, I wish it was hot here, it's just be raining non stop for 6 days. Maybe the sky is crying or maybe crying for the future. Who knows anymore. But I'm glad to see your feeling better. Congrats

 

[Livingvsdying25]

I'm glad to see your life is getting better, I wish it was hot here, it's just be raining non stop for 6 days. Maybe the sky is crying or maybe crying for the future. Who knows anymore. But I'm glad to see your feeling better. Congrats

Thnxxxx I realized the way I type is confusing sometimes like context wise. I actually meant the like mudwater drink I made was hot. Though weather wise it is hot here.

Srry to hear it's been raining non stop. I like rain but 6days sounds like wayyyy too much. Hope it eases soon. I like the thought of the sky crying. Maybe it's clearing up some heaviness. It's a really beautiful way to think of nature.


It's odd how things can feel better once I decide to CTB & let go of life in ways. I can see that it means what I need in life is less/more support so things are less but that was the obvious.

I'm allowing my heart some space to think about both life & death even though I'm certain on death rn. It's odd but it seems to be creating some changes in me.


I hope I can continue to feel better & thnxx for the congrats/comment

 

[MrDarkness]

Thnxxxx I realized the way I type is confusing sometimes like context wise. I actually meant the like mudwater drink I made was hot. Though weather wise it is hot here.

Srry to hear it's been raining non stop. I like rain but 6days sounds like wayyyy too much. Hope it eases soon. I like the thought of the sky crying. Maybe it's clearing up some heaviness. It's a really beautiful way to think of nature.


It's odd how things can feel better once I decide to CTB & let go of life in ways. I can see that it means what I need in life is less/more support so things are less but that was the obvious.

I'm allowing my heart some space to think about both life & death even though I'm certain on death rn. It's odd but it seems to be creating some changes in me.


I hope I can continue to feel better & thnxx for the congrats/comment

Just remember your death could be the breaking point for someone else, I've been fine with death for awhile, I'm not scared, I just can't do it as I feel my calling isn't yet or my life hasn't been that bad. I hope you can find peace in life or death. And yeah it's suppose to rain even more this week, I had to bus to school and stand in the rain waiting for the bus so I take my finals and be done with high school

 

[Livingvsdying25]

Just remember your death could be the breaking point for someone else, I've been fine with death for awhile, I'm not scared, I just can't do it as I feel my calling isn't yet or my life hasn't been that bad. I hope you can find peace in life or death. And yeah it's suppose to rain even more this week, I had to bus to school and stand in the rain waiting for the bus so I take my finals and be done with high school

Yeahh that's a good point. I think I underestimate my impact on the world..most my life it's been negative/jus me being abused. Now I have people that really care. Im a moderator/facilitator on a peer support network. Like omg how would everyone react?

Would my friends even be able to keep going with it? Since I joined we've made so much progress and I'm so proud of that but I've realized my life/presence was essential for all of that.

Plus my brother yee we don't get along all the time but if he's depressed & lost now how will he be after...

The community members ik and have met...

Woah... yee I dunno I don't think my friend would be ok either like I think it'd hit her in ways that I couldn't ever forgive myself for. I've promised to be there for her when she has kids. To raise her up when shes down and to help with the childcare or anything else.

Sometimes it's necessary to not think of others when feeling suicidal bc I can't live for others but... sometimes it's kinda... I dunno important to think about the impact too...

I have a lot of thinking to do but thnnx for the perspective.



Ohh nooo I hope the rain stops or that you at least have a good umbrella. Good luck with your finals!!! Good luck finishing high-school. Im glad to hear it isnt quite your time yet and I hope ya have a good night/day

Thnx for commenting