Venting Dating didn't go as planned

[Toptock]

I recently tried opening up to dating again. It's been a while.

I used to see myself with people, able to picture myself going out of the way for them to make them happy. However, I don't see that anymore. Call me a nice guy if you want, it's ok, but I only see the potential failures. I'm not a gym guy, nor do I have a wealth of knowledge to draw from to be charming. Being myself results in me sticking to my small dark space, reading until i sleep, or smoking until I forget my name. I know, everyone feels like this. I only see them pushing me away for being too affectionate, or not having ambitions. I only see them leaving me for someone who provides that 1 thing they're looking for.
That's absolutely ok too, I'm self-aware enough to understand that you aren't entitled to a relationship just for "being." I know it's the entitled side of me, but I always wanted to be someone worth fighting for. I understand that perspective is a bit twisted since I'm barely self-sufficient as is, and thus not really worth supporting.

How can someone be comfortable being alone? I try not to think about it, and I try to occupy my time, but even when operating on auto-pilot performing tasks, my mind will always sink back to that thought. How can I stop that?

 

[summers]

@Toptock what is your goal on a first date? It sounds like you want some kind of commitment or a serious relationship. You are just getting to know someone. Why do you assume you will like the person you date?

Take things slow. Don't meet one person and stop looking. You can date multiple people at the same time, nothing wrong with that. You're just meeting people. Same thing with sex. Just because you have sex with someone, doesn't mean there's a commitment either way. Again you're just getting to know them.

Don't give up, but maybe change your expectations. Best of luck to you.

 

[Toptock]

Oh for sure, I understand that a relationship takes time. I'm not looking to rush into anything, I felt that I wouldn't be able to provide what they'd need in the long run. In the brief time we spoke I learned a lot about them, and that's when I formed my conclusion. It was made clear that there was a missing piece that I wouldn't be able to fill with what I had to offer.

I do absolutely agree, though, with your point. I can't just assume I'll like someone, but I think maybe there was a fear we'd end up hating each other because of our differing personalities.
I do appreciate your advice, and I'll remember it for next time.

 

[ohhgeeitsme]

Oh for sure, I understand that a relationship takes time. I'm not looking to rush into anything, I felt that I wouldn't be able to provide what they'd need in the long run. In the brief time we spoke I learned a lot about them, and that's when I formed my conclusion. It was made clear that there was a missing piece that I wouldn't be able to fill with what I had to offer.

I do absolutely agree, though, with your point. I can't just assume I'll like someone, but I think maybe there was a fear we'd end up hating each other because of our differing personalities.
I do appreciate your advice, and I'll remember it for next time.

If you don't mind me asking, what is the missing piece you're referring to? It's okay if you'd rather not say.

 

[wordsonscreen]

When does it ever go as planned. Nothing ever does </3 but maybe the randomness of it all can be fun?
I feel you. And the hopelessness you're feeling resonates with me. Am with you here.

I do not have advice for you. YOU know yourself best. I am just here to remind you that what you want is valid. Wanting connection is literally hardwired in our DNA. It is what makes us human. You cannot remove it- so stop trying, embrace it. Embrace your own desires and you will know how to make them happen :) You need to give yourself permission first, right? Permission to open up, to trust, to give others what you crave in return. Start there maybe?

Dude, trust yourself. Please dont sink into the dating coach bs. Be real and be you. I've loved and dated people who did this-
"Being myself results in me sticking to my small dark space, reading until i sleep, or smoking until I forget my name."
The right people will find this attractive and compatible.

Trust yourself. Cultivate yourself- nurture, in yourself, the values you want to see in others. The right people WILL find you <3
You're still learning, growing, healing. You got this :) When the time is right, it will go better than planned.

 

[Toptock]

If you don't mind me asking, what is the missing piece you're referring to? It's okay if you'd rather not say.

I lack drive and any real desire to do anything in life. I'm worn out from putting in effort. Up until a couple years ago I had goals, but they disappeared when I realized the only thing driving me wasn't a real desire to obtain these indicators of success, but because I was too ashamed to admit to people I don't want them.
I don't want a new car, or a house, or kids. I want someone I can sit next to until we both turn to dust, and that's not fair to a lot of people. My expectations were that they'd be down with that. most people in my area and career absolutely abhor that idea. And that's ok with me, honest. I hope they find success. I don't want it, nor do I think that I should. I'm missing the piece that makes me someone who can push my other half or even push myself to succeed.

Trust yourself. Cultivate yourself- nurture, in yourself, the values you want to see in others. The right people WILL find you <3
You're still learning, growing, healing. You got this :) When the time is right, it will go better than planned.

that's the thing, I can't expect someone to 'find me' when I'm cooped up in my room. This is a paradoxical situation. I don't really put myself out there because I don't adhere to social traditions. I get this is one of the primary forces keeping me from finding someone, but there's an inherent flaw in the idea of "Someone finding me." It's fine that nobody's looking, I don't expect them to, I would like to exist in a space where I'm comfortable being alone. I get what you mean about cultivating myself though. I should probably find something to cultivate.

 

[wordsonscreen]

that's the thing, I can't expect someone to 'find me' when I'm cooped up in my room.

when you are ready, you can try to

This is a paradoxical situation. I don't really put myself out there because I don't adhere to social traditions. I get this is one of the primary forces keeping me from finding someone, but there's an inherent flaw in the idea of "Someone finding me."

you exist in places where others do. you're on SS. you use other social media- any interaction is a possibility for a deeper connection

It's fine that nobody's looking, I don't expect them to, I would like to exist in a space where I'm comfortable being alone. I get what you mean about cultivating myself though. I should probably find something to cultivate.

I wish you the best :) You know what you need to work on- like maybe putting yourself out there. etc