Dating a borderline personality

[Son_of_Sisyphus]

I was wondering if any of you out there have dated, or rather attempted to date, someone with borderline personality disorder. Since last September I've made a go of it and it ended this past week. She was obsessed with her suicide after painting herself into a dark corner with a series of poor life choices. I cared for her, slowly falling into a tainted love, and did everything in my power to help her, yet the efforts on her end were hollow and lacked follow through. I too am "afflicted with a mental illness" and felt that together we could improve her station, if I did anyone can. But she rejected my care and concern choosing instead to wallow in her misery. She made another one of her suicidal swoons a week ago and abruptly severed ties with me. It broke my heart and I can't get her out of mind...help!

 

[LastDay]

Female diagnosed with BPD here.

Speaking from experience you can't love her back to life, she has to commit to therapy or she's going to keep going through self destruct cycles. Specifically DBT and if she has had any trauma, PTSD treatment for that (Prolonged Exposure or EMDR). The best you can do is encourage her to seek treatment and that you believe in her. That she deserves happiness and is worth it, and you're here to support her.

 

[Son_of_Sisyphus]

Female diagnosed with BPD here.

Speaking from experience you can't love her back to life, she's going to have to go through therapy. Specifically DBT and if she has had any trauma, PTSD treatment for that (Prolonged Exposure or EMDR). The best you can do is encourage her to seek treatment and that you believe in her. That she deserves happiness and is worth it, and you're here to support her.

Thank you

 

[JustAboutDone]

putting aside the bpd, I think you can only ever go so far in a relationship with someone with complex mental health problems who cannot take personal responsibility for their own actions.

That's not me being unkind or not understanding, but everyone can take ownership of their behaviour and ensure they don't make life unnecessarily miserable for the people they live with.

It seems to me you have tried very hard and put a tremendous amount of effort into loving and caring for this person but they need to start doing that for themselves. You cannot allow someone to manipulate you with suicide attempts. I know your heart must be breaking :-( but they need to get themselves the right help to get themselves better and it's not something you can fix by yourself xx

 

[Norest4thewicked]

I've never dated anyone with BPD, but I do have it myself. I have a string of failed relationships and a broken marriage, all due to repeated patterns of my own behaviour. Although I can't speak on behalf of your recent girlfriend, for myself it comes from a crushingly low sense of self worth, a need to be wanted, but never believing I'm good enough. As a result eventually I feel the relationship will never work and so I push them away. I shut them out, act out. I don't want them to go, but my actions or inactions make it virtually impossible for them to stay. It makes no difference what they do or say to me. Once I feel the relationship will fail, it does. My ex girlfriends have said that being with me is like dating a nightmare, my estranged wife said it was like walking blindfolded through a minefield. @Son_of_Sisyphus i am genuinely sorry about the pain you are in due to the break up and I'm sorry I can't be more upbeat. Don't blame yourself, if she's anything like me, there was little you could have done.

 

[Son_of_Sisyphus]

I've never dated anyone with BPD, but I do have it myself. I have a string of failed relationships and a broken marriage, all due to repeated patterns of my own behaviour. Although I can't speak on behalf of your recent girlfriend, for myself it comes from a crushingly low sense of self worth, a need to be wanted, but never believing I'm good enough. As a result eventually I feel the relationship will never work and so I push them away. I shut them out, act out. I don't want them to go, but my actions or inactions make it virtually impossible for them to stay. It makes no difference what they do or say to me. Once I feel the relationship will fail, it does. My ex girlfriends have said that being with me is like dating a nightmare, my estranged wife said it was like walking blindfolded through a minefield. @Son_of_Sisyphus i am genuinely sorry about the pain you are in due to the break up and I'm sorry I can't be more upbeat. Don't blame yourself, if she's anything like me, there was little you could have done.

Thank you and @JustAboutDone. I appreciate your take taking the time. So should I just try to move on and chalk it up as a loss?

 

[JustAboutDone]

Thank you and @JustAboutDone. I appreciate your take taking the time. So should I just try to move on and chalk it up as a loss?

I think there can sometimes be a danger of wanting to be a good person too much and wanting to help someone - which is fine; if that person can meet you half way. Some bpd don't know themselves enough and don't get the help they need :-( . It's not their fault - they are that way from trauma not from their own fault, but you are not a miracle worker and can only help a certain amount.

 

[wiIIow]

Thank you and @JustAboutDone. I appreciate your take taking the time. So should I just try to move on and chalk it up as a loss?

Like @JustAboutDone said, you can't help someone who will not analyze, acknowledge and work to fix their toxic behaviors. This person is probably in a great deal of pain, but they're still responsible for their actions and it isn't fair for you to continually absorb these actions directed at you in the hopes that she will come around. Of course it could happen, but it is unlikely if they keep getting away with manipulative or abusive behavior.

I'm speaking both as someone who has exhibited toxic behavior towards others without taking responsibility (and lost many people as a result), and someone who has been the target for this behavior (from people who, to this day, believe me to be to blame).

It's your choice how you proceed, but I've learned the hard way that trying over and over to please these types of people will burn you out, erode at your own self worth, and leave you questioning your own sanity. Take care of yourself

 

[JustAboutDone]

that trying over and over to please these types of people will burn you out, erode at your own self worth, and leave you questioning your own sanity. Take care of yourself

@Willow i wish you had been around years ago to tell me these exact words. They are so damn true it's scary x

I might even have them made into a phone case lest I forget :-/

 

[wiIIow]

@Willow i wish you had been around years ago to tell me these exact words. They are so damn true it's scary x

I might even have them made into a phone case lest I forget :-/

I too wish I had been around years ago to tell myself this