Venting Daily morning panic and apathy

[pris]

Can't think straight. Can't get out of bed. Every morning I wake up I start panicking about my existence. I hate being trans so much. I hate having my existence debated everywhere I look. I don't know who I am anymore. I want to scream every time I look in the mirror. I lose all sense of being able to care about what is happening in front of me. Not a single thing feels real but at the same time it's excruciatingly so. It feels like there's a wall dividing my mind in half. Nobody can help me. I can't help myself. I can't kill myself yet because I live in a homeless shelter. I just want to tear off my flesh. I lost all sense of hope nearly a year ago. I can't go outside because I'm severely agoraphobic. I spend all of my time trying to dissociate from my surroundings. I feel split between total apathy and caring so, so much, and feeling it all at once. I hate you all. I love you all. I have to get my attempt right at all costs but fear sets in. What if it doesn't work? What if I'm caught? I have enough money for a hotel room but I'm too afraid to go. I don't have an antiemetic and I don't know how I'll get one. Just somebody fucking find me and kill me. Please.

 

[FuneralCry]

This life really is so cruel and I cannot imagine how hard it must be, what you are going through. The fear of failure is what holds me back from ctb as well. Dying really is so complicated. We have already suffered enough in life so we shouldn't have to suffer as we are planning to leave. I hope that you find freedom from what you are going through as none of us should ever have to endure such pain.

 

[pris]

This life really is so cruel and I cannot imagine how hard it must be, what you are going through. The fear of failure is what holds me back from ctb as well. Dying really is so complicated. We have already suffered enough in life so we shouldn't have to suffer as we are planning to leave. I hope that you find freedom from what you are going through as none of us should ever have to endure such pain.

Thank you.