S
Symbiote
Global Mod
- Oct 12, 2020
- 3,101
Being in depression and suicidal for so long, but also able to function by having a job, doing normal day shit, and have hobbies, makes me feel like I'm a fraud. Had a rough time last night as I combed through my memories in finding reasons why I think so. An instance of having to remember a conversation where I'm explaining to someone about my issues and the first thing they say is, "I don't believe you." Does my voice give off tones of lying? Or manipulation? There's a difference between "I don't believe you" vs "I don't believe it". The former is more personal. Something I had to juggle for many years, through many therapists, loved ones, etc., only to be told that they don't believe me until I end up in the ICU. I literally can walk in the middle of a busy outdoor event and loudly yell "I will kill myself", and people would think I'm an asshole. If I'm sad and on the verge of tears at an outdoor event with people around, they would think I'm either a pussy or manipulative. Just can't win with emotions and then trying to rationally explain to them only to have them tell you that they don't believe a damn thing I say, makes me think that I DON'T MATTER.
I research often, I quote my sources if need be to prove a point and they still don't believe me. Even worse, they'll go to my quoted source, read it, and then suddenly exclaim, "Oh wow, see they're right, I told you so!" Wait what? I just said the same thing but you didn't believe me at all. Deal with that on a daily basis and I realized that my "aura" makes people second guess my intentions or motives. I'm not lying about things, nor am I manipulative. I'm sorry that my voice has been tainted by depression and mental illness that it's not as assertive as it once was. Another reason why I don't belong on this Earth....
Thanks for listening to me rant.
I research often, I quote my sources if need be to prove a point and they still don't believe me. Even worse, they'll go to my quoted source, read it, and then suddenly exclaim, "Oh wow, see they're right, I told you so!" Wait what? I just said the same thing but you didn't believe me at all. Deal with that on a daily basis and I realized that my "aura" makes people second guess my intentions or motives. I'm not lying about things, nor am I manipulative. I'm sorry that my voice has been tainted by depression and mental illness that it's not as assertive as it once was. Another reason why I don't belong on this Earth....
Thanks for listening to me rant.