jar-baby
Arcanist
- Jun 20, 2023
- 425
I exist in a dissociative anhedonic state. I don't have any relationships I'd consider meaningful and I'm pretty lonely. I'm moderately interested in some things but don't have any real ambitions or a strong enough sense of purpose for which to stay alive. The result is that I feel dead inside (cliched though that phrasing may be). Consequently, on an emotional level, dying honestly feels trivial to me. On another level, I recognise that it's a big deal to end one's life and that my death will have an impact on my family and to a lesser degree, my friends. On another level, it feels like it's my prerogative to die, and maybe my desensitization (though it may be unnatural) isn't totally irrational since death really is just a part of life, and if I did fear it that would only be because of how human neuropsychology evolved, and my death won't really mean anything in the bigger scheme of things.
I do feel guilty when I think about the emotional distress my death would cause my family but the only way I'd even have a shot at living a happy life would be if I burnt those bridges in the next couple of years anyway, and as immature as it may sound, it's not like I elected to be here in the first place.
I used to obsess over making the rational decision but there doesn't seem to be a rational decision anyway. Acting rationally means to make choices that result in the most beneficial outcome, with "benefit" defined by what one's objectives are. But I don't actually have many distinct objectives. Experience positive emotions isn't an objective of mine so much as don't experience negative emotions.
Living is a fucking chore. There's no feeling in this. There hasn't been for ages.
I barely studied for my last exam, because I didn't really feel like it. Or like it was important, even though it is pretty important in the scope of my education/life. It was an incredibly straightforward paper, but I didn't want to expend energy memorising the textbook. I'm awaiting my grades. A part of me hopes I fail so then I can kill myself and my parents will have something of an explanation (even though it would obviously be the wrong explanation and they'd have questions anyway, since as it stands they think I'm perfectly fine). TBH I don't even know how I've made it this far. Sometimes I think it's just luck. But that's running dry.
I'm only living because I don't feel like I have enough information to make a decision, but it's not like I'm ever going to get to a state of perfect information, so to speak. And I can't even get to a state of better information when I really don't feel like it's worth it.
I do feel guilty when I think about the emotional distress my death would cause my family but the only way I'd even have a shot at living a happy life would be if I burnt those bridges in the next couple of years anyway, and as immature as it may sound, it's not like I elected to be here in the first place.
I used to obsess over making the rational decision but there doesn't seem to be a rational decision anyway. Acting rationally means to make choices that result in the most beneficial outcome, with "benefit" defined by what one's objectives are. But I don't actually have many distinct objectives. Experience positive emotions isn't an objective of mine so much as don't experience negative emotions.
Living is a fucking chore. There's no feeling in this. There hasn't been for ages.
I barely studied for my last exam, because I didn't really feel like it. Or like it was important, even though it is pretty important in the scope of my education/life. It was an incredibly straightforward paper, but I didn't want to expend energy memorising the textbook. I'm awaiting my grades. A part of me hopes I fail so then I can kill myself and my parents will have something of an explanation (even though it would obviously be the wrong explanation and they'd have questions anyway, since as it stands they think I'm perfectly fine). TBH I don't even know how I've made it this far. Sometimes I think it's just luck. But that's running dry.
I'm only living because I don't feel like I have enough information to make a decision, but it's not like I'm ever going to get to a state of perfect information, so to speak. And I can't even get to a state of better information when I really don't feel like it's worth it.
