Hi everyone -
I've been watching from the sidelines for some time, and finally decided to create an account and share my story, seek advice. Title pretty much says it, but not as easy for someone like me as some might think it is. I used to be a very joyful person in life, full of adventure, a thrill seeker, a people pleaser, the life of the party. That was 10 years ago, maybe longer... when the depression started coming in. To an everyday person, it may look like everything's been great.... a spouse, 2 dogs, 2 kids, large house, a pretty successful career.... but on the inside, it's been shit, and an absolute hell and only been getting progressively worse. I don't know exactly when it all started... I don't even really know why. Maybe it was a combination of things but maybe not. I'm sure it all started before my youngest son was sexually molested by a family member that lasted 2 years in court with the perp getting off, or before we were sued for mold behind walls from a house we sold that we knew nothing about but still were found guilty and had to pay 80k in awarded damages, or before I got slammed with a costly bill from from taxes.... they probably play a role in their somewhere, but i'm not sure how much or how little. It doesn't really matter, because I've lost the ability to find joy or happiness in anything, not my family, not my boys, not my wife nothing.... save one thing, but i'll get to that later.
My job / career.... well I've been, what I would consider, pretty successful.... but it's also been a road of pitfalls and recent unintentional self-sabotage. In fact, even this evening, after someone went off on me over e-mail, I told the guy off and said "that's it! I don't need this crap from you... i quit." Not that that conversation will probably mean much, as he isn't my boss, and if he send it to my boss fine... I don't really care at this point. I was actually up for a very large promotion recently, before the holidays. Everybody had said I was getting it, and i was prepared for it. It actually, gave me something to look forward to. Then, like a fart in the wind it was gone. My boss, the one who assured me I was the front runner, hired someone externally... a friend of a friend, and I was past up after having performed the position for the past 6 months. Rest assured all my ideas went into effect.... but not me with it. Just icing on the cake.
For reasons I won't get into without major "spoiler alerts," I'm on blood thinner the rest of my life, kinda wishing the incident that caused all of that in the first place just took me then, but it didn't. I'm also on cholesterol medication, and Humira which i don't think is doing a damn thing for all the aches and pains in my life. Pretty sure that can be chocked up to the severe depression and daily suicidal thoughts. I've become very anti-social, and it's probably only a matter of time before my wife and children will leave me. I blow off all my friends. I don't really want to be around anyone. In fact today, i just kind of stared out the window of the car, stopped talking to my wife and kids all day, and just thought about writing this thread and if I should just buy the SN already. They don't understand either, and i can't really talk about it. It worries me that they wouldn't be taken care of in life.
Now, for the record, I went to see a "counselor" back probably 25 years ago or so, maybe longer... and a handful of other things. Church counseling, private, etc. It was more for "trying to figure out what I wanted in life...." more than anything else. Never suicidal or depression type stuff. I don't currently, and can not see a professional. Let me repeat that.... I can not see a professional.
That's really the crux of the situation.... I'm caught between a chicken and an egg. You see, I mentioned above early on that there is save 1 thing in life that is actually my saving grace. It's what I probably should have put my career in, but I didn't, and it's too late for that now and not lucrative enough, but i didn't choose that life. However, if I lost the privilege of being able to do that thing I love so much... that would be the nail in the coffin. I definitely would not be able to live with myself. I'm sure, that if there is a God.... that's why he/she put me here. I'm sure, absolutely, that I need to be on some medication, but... by having ANYTHING on my medical record, whether it's a visit, or a medication for depression like an SSRI or SNRI, it will almost immediately take away my "joy" for the rest of my life. There's no reward for getting "official help," in this business.
Leading back to the title of my post.... I don't know if there's a way, but if there were, I would with open arms try something like cymbalta or even an SSRI, because from what i've researched it seems to be something that might actually work for me. But I can't go and get a prescription. It's not an option as i described. So I'm stuck.... continue down this road of keeping it all to myself, sucking it up, feeling like shit until i just end it with SN? Or go get some medication officially and end my 1 joy / passion for the rest of my life and end up using SN anyways? I would rather find someway to obtain some kind of depression medication to help me, but i don't think one exists. And no... i'm not into illegal substances or any of that. Just someone who would like to get some medical help but have my hands tied.
In any case, that's all i wish to share for right now. I'm besides myself like a lot of the rest of you. And i'm exhausted all the time, and just want to be done. Yay depression.
I've been watching from the sidelines for some time, and finally decided to create an account and share my story, seek advice. Title pretty much says it, but not as easy for someone like me as some might think it is. I used to be a very joyful person in life, full of adventure, a thrill seeker, a people pleaser, the life of the party. That was 10 years ago, maybe longer... when the depression started coming in. To an everyday person, it may look like everything's been great.... a spouse, 2 dogs, 2 kids, large house, a pretty successful career.... but on the inside, it's been shit, and an absolute hell and only been getting progressively worse. I don't know exactly when it all started... I don't even really know why. Maybe it was a combination of things but maybe not. I'm sure it all started before my youngest son was sexually molested by a family member that lasted 2 years in court with the perp getting off, or before we were sued for mold behind walls from a house we sold that we knew nothing about but still were found guilty and had to pay 80k in awarded damages, or before I got slammed with a costly bill from from taxes.... they probably play a role in their somewhere, but i'm not sure how much or how little. It doesn't really matter, because I've lost the ability to find joy or happiness in anything, not my family, not my boys, not my wife nothing.... save one thing, but i'll get to that later.
My job / career.... well I've been, what I would consider, pretty successful.... but it's also been a road of pitfalls and recent unintentional self-sabotage. In fact, even this evening, after someone went off on me over e-mail, I told the guy off and said "that's it! I don't need this crap from you... i quit." Not that that conversation will probably mean much, as he isn't my boss, and if he send it to my boss fine... I don't really care at this point. I was actually up for a very large promotion recently, before the holidays. Everybody had said I was getting it, and i was prepared for it. It actually, gave me something to look forward to. Then, like a fart in the wind it was gone. My boss, the one who assured me I was the front runner, hired someone externally... a friend of a friend, and I was past up after having performed the position for the past 6 months. Rest assured all my ideas went into effect.... but not me with it. Just icing on the cake.
For reasons I won't get into without major "spoiler alerts," I'm on blood thinner the rest of my life, kinda wishing the incident that caused all of that in the first place just took me then, but it didn't. I'm also on cholesterol medication, and Humira which i don't think is doing a damn thing for all the aches and pains in my life. Pretty sure that can be chocked up to the severe depression and daily suicidal thoughts. I've become very anti-social, and it's probably only a matter of time before my wife and children will leave me. I blow off all my friends. I don't really want to be around anyone. In fact today, i just kind of stared out the window of the car, stopped talking to my wife and kids all day, and just thought about writing this thread and if I should just buy the SN already. They don't understand either, and i can't really talk about it. It worries me that they wouldn't be taken care of in life.
Now, for the record, I went to see a "counselor" back probably 25 years ago or so, maybe longer... and a handful of other things. Church counseling, private, etc. It was more for "trying to figure out what I wanted in life...." more than anything else. Never suicidal or depression type stuff. I don't currently, and can not see a professional. Let me repeat that.... I can not see a professional.
That's really the crux of the situation.... I'm caught between a chicken and an egg. You see, I mentioned above early on that there is save 1 thing in life that is actually my saving grace. It's what I probably should have put my career in, but I didn't, and it's too late for that now and not lucrative enough, but i didn't choose that life. However, if I lost the privilege of being able to do that thing I love so much... that would be the nail in the coffin. I definitely would not be able to live with myself. I'm sure, that if there is a God.... that's why he/she put me here. I'm sure, absolutely, that I need to be on some medication, but... by having ANYTHING on my medical record, whether it's a visit, or a medication for depression like an SSRI or SNRI, it will almost immediately take away my "joy" for the rest of my life. There's no reward for getting "official help," in this business.
Leading back to the title of my post.... I don't know if there's a way, but if there were, I would with open arms try something like cymbalta or even an SSRI, because from what i've researched it seems to be something that might actually work for me. But I can't go and get a prescription. It's not an option as i described. So I'm stuck.... continue down this road of keeping it all to myself, sucking it up, feeling like shit until i just end it with SN? Or go get some medication officially and end my 1 joy / passion for the rest of my life and end up using SN anyways? I would rather find someway to obtain some kind of depression medication to help me, but i don't think one exists. And no... i'm not into illegal substances or any of that. Just someone who would like to get some medical help but have my hands tied.
In any case, that's all i wish to share for right now. I'm besides myself like a lot of the rest of you. And i'm exhausted all the time, and just want to be done. Yay depression.
