Venting Cycle of hopelessness

[4damant]

I wasn't a very pessimistic person years ago, there did exist a time where I held out hope that good things will come and I persevered day by day, at least until when I begin to let my curiosity wander and questioned about the world.

Long story short of it is that I became utterly disillusioned with life, things seems to always be able to get worse, for as much as I wanted to hope for otherwise I repeatedly am reminded of why I "developed" my line of thinking to be pessimistic: it was to be able to cope with and anticipate future BS (unnecessary conflicts, misfortunes, problematic interpersonal relationships, et cetera) that'll inevitably occur in life and protect what remains of my "self". There's only so many times I could get hurt and retreat in anguish before I realize that my past worldview is not reflective of the reality I'm faced with. Eventually I ditched the notion that CTB is automatically regarded as bad (in the views of the society at large) where I'm at and felt quite liberated, as well as stumbled upon this site later on.

Now that I'm here, I'm torn between staying as a sort of obligation to the people around me, versus working my way towards CTB and a (ironically, hopefully) definite end to my gripe with this world. But the feeling is worse when I can't quite "let go" just yet, I'm still in an unfinished degree study (although not like it'll be definitely better working in the future), and I'll inevitably end up hurting the handful of people who cares and didn't throw me away once my "usefulness" is finished. The dilemma above in addition to survival instincts makes for a crippling sense of hopelessness, wherein I'd internally debate this matter in mind and struggle to "be productive" from my waking moment. At what point when enough is enough? Living isn't for me, yet I'm still a prisoner to my obligations, social pressure, and bodily mechanisms, that to me is the real hell. It'll be easier if I wasn't born to begin with, I simply have no goals of any sort for the rest of my life and less so is staying alive to old age a desirable outcome for me.

Just needed to get it out I guess, sorry if this doesn't fit here or it's been repeated by others before. I wish anyone seeing this to have a decent day.

 

[MoonDog24]

Why do you not see CTB as a bad option. Honestly it's kind of pussy. Running away from life just because you can't take it. You talk about all these obligations and social pressures, why don't you just live for yourself. Do what you want to do. I don't know your exact situation but in general you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

 

[The anhedonic one]

You have to reach the very bottom of the pit of despair before you are truly ready to CTB.
You have to have completely lost interest in this world and anything in it. Absolutely nothing the world can offer you would ever change your mind from killing yourself.

Eventually you will lose the fear of hurting loved ones with your suicide, and also lose any fear of death. You will feel dead inside, like a walking corpse, and only thoughts of dying can bring you any sense of happiness and peace.
Just my opinion that's all, because I'm now at this stage.

 

[m4rius]

Why do you not see CTB as a bad option. Honestly it's kind of pussy. Running away from life just because you can't take it. You talk about all these obligations and social pressures, why don't you just live for yourself. Do what you want to do. I don't know your exact situation but in general you don't have to do anything you don't want to do.

Who cares if it's pussy? Going by your logic, one should feel righteous over CTBing, making their own decision, do what they desire. There's no difference.

 

[4damant]

Thanks for the responses and perspective y'all, I suppose I've still got stuff to figure out.

 

[MoonDog24]

Who cares if it's pussy? Going by your logic, one should feel righteous over CTBing, making their own decision, do what they desire. There's no difference.

You're telling me there's no difference between making your own life, your own destiny and CTBing? What I'm saying is my guy should LIVE his life on his own terms, emphasis on the LIVE. @m4rius if you just want to see him CTB just say that.

 

[FuneralCry]

I do understand that it's so tiring feeling trapped here, I certainly think it would be for the best to never exist at all as existence certainly is just an unnecessary burden, this reality certainly is so hellish and of course there's too much suffering in existing, I find it horrible how there is unlimited potential to suffer here. But anyway I wish you the best, I also don't see existence as being desirable in any way, the thought of reaching an old age disturbs me, existing could never be for me as well.