Cycle of cruelty

[wrybuzzard]

In the last few months my mh has deteriorated significantly. To appease those around me I agreed to see a psych (whilst putting together a plan to ctb, which is whats made me feel a little more in control).
I wrote out a summary of my mh history for myself (and potentially to share with psych), which showed me I've had at least 12 distinct periods of severe depression, each 6months - 1 year +. That doesn't even include the 13 year shit show of my teens and early twenties. Then a long list of meds, therapies and self help I've tried.
This is over the last 25years, more than two thirds of my life.
It's just torture isn't it, to think I'm expected to spend the rest of my life "fighting" this again and again and again.
The other day a friend even started saying how I needed to "help myself"...first thing that made me laugh in weeks.
The idea of this being my life is appalling, feels like it should come under cruel and unusual punishment. But, as I agreed to see a psych people have backed off a bit so I can gather what I need.

 

[FuneralCry]

I know that it can be unbearable when you are suffering so much. It really is torture how we were forced to live and we have to endure such a dreadful existence. I'm sorry you are in this situation, it sounds like you have been through a lot. I wish you the best in whatever happens.

 

[Superdeterminist]

I share your absolute dismay for this existence.

 

[wrybuzzard]

Thank you for your comments, my wife wants me to have an inpatient stay. The idea of which makes my skin crawl, however, I'm not agreeing to that and I'm fairly sure I could talk my way out of an assessment if they tried.
It does feel counter intuitive that people fight so hard against us, rather than being supportive.
I think I should be CTB in a week or two.

 

[Rational man]

I feel the tortured pain you have. My pain is more physical because of incurable disease. It effects me psychologically too as life feels hopeless. I know the disease will kill me but I intend to control matters when its unbearable. Doctor's just laughing at me as a hopeless medical case,