Discussion current or former sex workers

[longingforrelease]

Hi,
I've second guessed myself for a while about posting this, but I have come to be comfortable enough here to feel like I can go ahead with this.

I've seen a couple threads titled sex workers and have seen several other posts in other threads from current or former sex workers.

Here's my post/confession/question. As I've posted elsewhere I had a beautiful life that I threw away. I experienced an amphetamine-induced manic phase in which I experienced a serious phase of hypersexuality that included about a year of almost complete addiction to escorts. I got heavy into it. Joined several escort sites even wrote reviews (always with the prior approval of the escort and after giving her a chance to read/edit the review). The short of it is that my life was destroyed when my wife, who I loved and still do, found one of those reviews (for those without experience with this, it's an explicit description of the encounter) online. Around the same time my university found about my drug use (an escort who turned me onto meth later wrote an email to my university VP and they seized my computer and discovered all kinds of shit: porn, explicit sexting with escorts, discussion of drug purchases. I got fired, arrested, my wife left me, yada yada yada.

Here's why I'm posting this. Before all this, I had very strong feelings (mainly moral/ethical and feminist inspired) about prostitution. My view was that sex work was just about the worse form of male domination and exploitation possible. I even taught courses that dealt with gender issues in which I discussed sex work in these terms: patriarchy at its most intimate and oppressive. And then WHAM, I'm cheating on my wife with escorts 2-3 times a month. A complete and total contradiction of my professed beliefs. Now that it's been a couple of years since all that, I live (am dying from) unbearable shame, remorse, regret, you name it. I not only betrayed my wife but everything I stood for.

I guess the reason I'm posting this is that because I'm going to make my death look accidental, I won't have a chance to publicly say goodbye, and try to apologize/explain for the things I did. But before I go I would like to know if those involved in sex work feel that it is in fact all about male domination and exploitation. In short, did I participate in an industry that harmed you? If so, would it make any difference to you if I said I'm sorry for my part in that?

I don't know if this makes any sense. I'm still very confused about that time in my life. I just feel like this site gives me a chance to discuss this issue in a way no other site allows.

Thanks. Sorry this was so long.

btw, if this is too personal for a thread but you care to respond I'd welcome a direct message.

 

[weedoge]

Sorry this may seem a little rude but I don't feel that approaching sex workers with your experience like this is the best way to go about receiving the answers or validation that you need. Hope you really mean what you say and feel genuine remorse and if you do that's plenty enough, yes you did participate in a harmful and exploitative activity but if you're through it and past it and feel remorse then there is little else you can do. Perpetuating the experiences and memories of people who have been on the other side of it for the sake of comforting yourself is not the best course of action just in my honest opinion sorry!

 

[longingforrelease]

Sorry this may seem a little rude but I don't feel that approaching sex workers with your experience like this is the best way to go about receiving the answers or validation that you need. Hope you really mean what you say and feel genuine remorse and if you do that's plenty enough, yes you did participate in a harmful and exploitative activity but if you're through it and past it and feel remorse then there is little else you can do. Perpetuating the experiences and memories of people who have been on the other side of it for the sake of comforting yourself is not the best course of action just in my honest opinion sorry!

It's not rude. Thanks for your sharing your view. I had reservations about my post for several reasons. I decided to post it after seeing several people who shared their experience in the industry and thought others might be open to discussing it, perhaps a chance to get things off their chest. Maybe I was wrong.

 

[Tokyojoe]

A bit of a strange question to ask on this kind of forum. I read in another thread that you have moved to Thailand. There should be more than enough subjects for you to interview and may be a bit of afters.

 

[Kitsunefox]

Does ocassional camming count?

 

[OkTotti]

Does ocassional camming count?

we all have our definitions. But do you consider yourself an occasional sex worker? only you can answer

 

[Angst Filled Fuck Up]

I think as such you shouldn't have too much to feel guilty about outside of your infidelity. Sex workers operate on the basis of a transaction like any other, for the most part. It's one thing if you perpetrated abuse or partook in something openly illegal like trafficking, but I doubt that's the case here.

Still, I know Asia can be a different story, with lots of sex workers forced into it. I get the impression people are shamed there more readily too. But ultimately so much depends on the circumstances unique to each individual sex worker that it's hard to say anything for certain. Either way, it sounds like you paid the price and I'm sorry it spiraled out of control the way it did.

 

[longingforrelease]

Does ocassional camming count?

i'd say it's certainly a part of the sex industry. but Oktotti seems on target. Only you can say if cam work feels to you like it's in the same category as other forms of sex work. There's a lot of feminist scholarship that would suggest it's comparable in the sense that it's equally about men having the right to own (purchase in a sense) a woman's body/sexuality. I should add, however, that there is a growing body of "sex positive" feminism that has a much more liberal view of sex work.

 

[longingforrelease]

I think as such you shouldn't have too much to feel guilty about outside of your infidelity. Sex workers operate on the basis of a transaction like any other, for the most part. It's one thing if you perpetrated abuse or partook in something openly illegal like trafficking, but I doubt that's the case here.

Still, I know Asia can be a different story, with lots of sex workers forced into it. I get the impression people are shamed there more readily too. But ultimately so much depends on the circumstances unique to each individual sex worker that it's hard to say anything for certain. Either way, it sounds like you paid the price and I'm sorry it spiraled out of control the way it did.

thanks for your comments. Indeed I think it's clear that the sex industry here in S.E. Asia where I now live is heavily driven by human trafficking. My experiences were all back in the states, though. Though my dominant emotion is shame and remorse for my participation in the sex industry, I know from personal experience that some women in the industry feel as you do - that it's a transactional relationship like many others. In fact, as a result of my experience and close relationship with a few escorts, I took up the cause of decriminalization in some of my writing. Nevertheless, I still have concerns that the industry is ultimately harmful to women and because of my experience I played some role in perpetuating that harm. But I get what you're saying and really appreciate it.

 

[Kitsunefox]

we all have our definitions. But do you consider yourself an occasional sex worker? only you can answer

I dont because I do fetishes , no one touches me, and i dont feel violated...and its legal when i think of sex workers I usually think of something illegal.

 

[longingforrelease]

I dont because I do fetishes , no one touches me, and i dont feel violated...and its legal when i think of sex workers I usually think of something illegal.

glad to hear that you don't find it harmful... stay well

 

[azucaramargo]

I've been in relationships for money. I once answered a Craigslist ad for a guy that wanted massages in his home, and that turned into a kind of sugar-daddy relationship. I've had two of those. I'm very ashamed of them... especially since I have 2 younger sisters, who have never debased themselves thusly. And, those 2 younger are both more suxcsucces than I am.

 

[longingforrelease]

I've been in relationships for money. I once answered a Craigslist ad for a guy that wanted massages in his home, and that turned into a kind of sugar-daddy relationship. I've had two of those. I'm very ashamed of them... especially since I have 2 younger sisters, who have never debased themselves thusly. And, those 2 younger are both more suxcsucces than I am.

thank you for sharing your experience and feelings about them. One thing I learned during my 2-year period of involvement with escorts, including one that you could say evolved into more of a SD/SB thing, is that women (and of course some men too) enter the industry for a wide variety of reasons. But one of the most common, no, I'd say emphatically the most common reason, is economic need. Young people facing a tight labor market with no job experience, few marketable skills, and often with strained or no relationship with family are confronted with choices that people not in their shoes simply can't comprehend. I'm so sorry that you have to carry the weight of shame from your experience, but if it's any consolation, the SD/SB phenomenon is exploding so you are soooo not alone in having made the choices you made And I'd also add - and this is not in any way meant as a way for me to lessen my own burden of guilt, shame and remorse for my experience -- there is a growing number of people (sex workers, activists, lawyers who specialize in cases related to the sex industry, and even politicians in some countries (Canada comes to mind because my SB was a Canadian escort and they have been in the process of decriminalizing escorting) who are working not only to make conditions of sex work safer but to reduce the stigma attached to sex work. I came to believe, in fact, that mere decriminalization of sex work will fail to improve the conditions in which sex workers operate, nor do anything to lessen the emotional impact on sex workers in terms of shame.

Case in point: my escort/sb in Canada texted me one day to tell me she had just been beaten up by a client. A client she had been seeing for sometime. Being in the US at the time, I wasn't there to offer her much in the way of comfort or support. But I did ask if she called the police - after all, Canada had just decriminalized escorting (well sort of, actually, escorts are legally allowed to offer their services for pay, but the "John" can still be arrested for soliciting those services.). Anyway, she told me that no, she wasn't going to call the police. I asked why not, since according to Canadian law she hadn't done anything illegal, and she was clearly a victim of a violent assault. Her reply taught me an important lesson. She wasn't going to contact the police, she explained, because even though the law had changed, she knew that as soon as she told the police that the assault was perpetrated by a client (i.e., that she is an escort) they were going to do nothing about it, and implicitly or even explicitly, blame her for the assault because she is an escort. A version of the "she asked for it" or "she knew what she was getting into" shaming game played against sex workers all over the world. This is all to say that in my view, the shame you carry around with you is in great measure not actually the result of choices you made about what to do with your body and how and with whom your will express your sexuality, and under what terms, but rather the way our societies have so terribly stigmatized sex work of any kind, including legal SB/SD relationships. I do really hope that you find a way to come to better terms with yourself and your experience and thus relieve yourself of the shame you continue to experience. If you want or think it might might, I can recommend some readings and websites that might help you process your emotions. Either way, I wish for you all the peace you so deserve. And I thank you again for sharing your experience and feelings. blessings to you...

 

[Final Escape]

thank you for sharing your experience and feelings about them. One thing I learned during my 2-year period of involvement with escorts, including one that you could say evolved into more of a SD/SB thing, is that women (and of course some men too) enter the industry for a wide variety of reasons. But one of the most common, no, I'd say emphatically the most common reason, is economic need. Young people facing a tight labor market with no job experience, few marketable skills, and often with strained or no relationship with family are confronted with choices that people not in their shoes simply can't comprehend. I'm so sorry that you have to carry the weight of shame from your experience, but if it's any consolation, the SD/SB phenomenon is exploding so you are soooo not alone in having made the choices you made And I'd also add - and this is not in any way meant as a way for me to lessen my own burden of guilt, shame and remorse for my experience -- there is a growing number of people (sex workers, activists, lawyers who specialize in cases related to the sex industry, and even politicians in some countries (Canada comes to mind because my SB was a Canadian escort and they have been in the process of decriminalizing escorting) who are working not only to make conditions of sex work safer but to reduce the stigma attached to sex work. I came to believe, in fact, that mere decriminalization of sex work will fail to improve the conditions in which sex workers operate, nor do anything to lessen the emotional impact on sex workers in terms of shame.

Case in point: my escort/sb in Canada texted me one day to tell me she had just been beaten up by a client. A client she had been seeing for sometime. Being in the US at the time, I wasn't there to offer her much in the way of comfort or support. But I did ask if she called the police - after all, Canada had just decriminalized escorting (well sort of, actually, escorts are legally allowed to offer their services for pay, but the "John" can still be arrested for soliciting those services.). Anyway, she told me that no, she wasn't going to call the police. I asked why not, since according to Canadian law she hadn't done anything illegal, and she was clearly a victim of a violent assault. Her reply taught me an important lesson. She wasn't going to contact the police, she explained, because even though the law had changed, she knew that as soon as she told the police that the assault was perpetrated by a client (i.e., that she is an escort) they were going to do nothing about it, and implicitly or even explicitly, blame her for the assault because she is an escort. A version of the "she asked for it" or "she knew what she was getting into" shaming game played against sex workers all over the world. This is all to say that in my view, the shame you carry around with you is in great measure not actually the result of choices you made about what to do with your body and how and with whom your will express your sexuality, and under what terms, but rather the way our societies have so terribly stigmatized sex work of any kind, including legal SB/SD relationships. I do really hope that you find a way to come to better terms with yourself and your experience and thus relieve yourself of the shame you continue to experience. If you want or think it might might, I can recommend some readings and websites that might help you process your emotions. Either way, I wish for you all the peace you so deserve. And I thank you again for sharing your experience and feelings. blessings to you...

Yes I struggle bad with the shame and it can get lonely. What websites could u recommend? Can I process shame without a therapist? I've struggled with toxic shame all my life starting with the effects of my narcissistic mother and probably the sexual abuse at age 10 didn't help.

 

[DeletedUser4739]

Yes I struggle bad with the shame and it can get lonely. What websites could u recommend? Can I process shame without a therapist? I've struggled with toxic shame all my life starting with the effects of my narcissistic mother and probably the sexual abuse at age 10 didn't help.

I don't know all the details, but some of the best people to help you through this may be those who have experienced it firsthand, whether they be formally licensed licensed therapists or not. There is a national organization here in the US that helps with some of the matters covered in this thread. Perhaps, they may be able to help and/or something similar may be available local to you. I h e you are able to find support and comfort with your struggle. I know you are not alone.

https://www.selahfreedom.com/

 

[longingforrelease]

Yes I struggle bad with the shame and it can get lonely. What websites could u recommend? Can I process shame without a therapist? I've struggled with toxic shame all my life starting with the effects of my narcissistic mother and probably the sexual abuse at age 10 didn't help.

hey there. I've been slammed today and I''m off to bed in a minute (after 1:30am here). But I wanted to just acknowledge your post and to say I'm trying to track down some of the resources I mentioned. One that I had been particularly fond of was a blog hosted by a sex worker in Minnesota. But I just tried the url and it's gone. So please give me some time to track down some of this stuff I hope you would find helpful and I'll pass it along just as soon as I find it. OK? Please be kind to yourself. Peace.

 

[WayOut]

hey there. I've been slammed today and I''m off to bed in a minute (after 1:30am here). But I wanted to just acknowledge your post and to say I'm trying to track down some of the resources I mentioned. One that I had been particularly fond of was a blog hosted by a sex worker in Minnesota. But I just tried the url and it's gone. So please give me some time to track down some of this stuff I hope you would find helpful and I'll pass it along just as soon as I find it. OK? Please be kind to yourself. Peace.

Seriously? Are you for real, dude? Haha, rhetorical question. I see a badly crafted, overly detailed story happening, buddy, and you're fishing around for info while wearing a ridiculous fake persona. This forum really is your playground, hope you're having fun. lol

 

[longingforrelease]

Seriously? Are you for real, dude? Haha, rhetorical question. I see a badly crafted, overly detailed story happening, buddy, and you're fishing around for info while wearing a ridiculous fake persona. This forum really is your playground, hope you're having fun. lol

Sorry, but the concept of a rhetorical question is such an intellectually simple concept that your sarcastic explanation wasn't really necessary. But you demonstrate the truth of Dostoyevski who said, "Sarcasm is the last refuge of the weak mind."

Now I don't know you, we've never exchanged a single word. I've been a member of this community for apparently the exact same number of days as you have. To the 318 messages I've posted here, I've received 1015 likes from other members, countless thoughtful, engaging, supportive and indeed loving replies, some from whom have sadly chosen to leave us to find their peace. It's true that I've had a debate or two with members here about things like methods but that's as it should be and they have all been invariably civil and constructive. I've even referred others considering the method I debated to that thread so he/she could see both sides of that argument. And I have been blessed with numerous personal messages from other members here appreciative of my contributions, often seeking lengthier but private discussions about issues I've raised, including the issues I raised in this read. But somehow, on the basis of your astonishingly astute analysis of one post that I'm a fraudulent persona seeking personal enjoyment from hanging out in a place dedicated to as dark and sombre a subject as the suicide we are all contemplating. Well, "dude", I have no intention of attempting to persuade you of my suicidal bona fides. You clearly have issues you're dealing with, and though I may now, for reasons that escape me, be one of those issues, I've not got the slightest fucking interest in helping you work through them. I've done nothing to earn your scathing attack on me and my character. So why don't you just take your paranoid, delusional and juvenile vindictiveness somewhere else. Preferably outside this site, because no one else here deserves your kind of bullshit either.

 

[Smilla]

Seriously? Are you for real, dude? Haha, rhetorical question. I see a badly crafted, overly detailed story happening, buddy, and you're fishing around for info while wearing a ridiculous fake persona. This forum really is your playground, hope you're having fun. lol

I would agree. He also PMd me fishing (albeit politely) for info about my past as a sex worker (to which I agreed to if we used the wire app which he says he can't download in his country (3rd red flag)—not to mention there are holes in his story (first says he is from US, lives in Thailand, and then changed to Ireland).

Wouldn't trust him for a NY minute. But, then again, after being betrayed recently by someone I met online and whom I have been speaking to daily for over six months, I am a wee bit jaded.

 

[longingforrelease]

I would agree. He also PMd me fishing for info, not to mention there are holes in his story (first says he is from US, lives in Thailand, and then changed to Ireland).

Wouldn't trust him for a NY minute.

Jesus Christ! I never said I'm from Ireland. I'm an Irish American, born and raised in the states and now I live in Thailand. Not that fucking complicated. I am deeply sorry Smilla if my PM was unwelcome, and I believe I began that PM with just such a statement -- that i realized it was a sensitive issue and that if it was unwelcome, I wouldn't continue. But what the fuck? What have I done here to earn the attacks? Seriously, all I have tried to do here be a supportive, contributing member of this community that I find sacred.

 

[WayOut]

Sorry, but the concept of a rhetorical question is such an intellectually simple concept... blah blah etc

Dude, you're making me laugh.

 

[WayOut]

now I live in Thailand

that I find sacred

Giveaways, buddy. Seriously, you are all around the fucking internet, you live every fucking place with your VPNs, and you're a scamming loser.

 

[longingforrelease]

Fine. I give up. I won't try to defend myself. I know the truth of me and the thing that has been so special about this place is that it was, until now, the only place I could tell me truth, in all its shameful ugliness. But you have convinced yourselves I'm here for something else. I don't have the inclination to try defend my right to be here or the legitimacy of my story.

 

[WayOut]

If your main purpose here was to be a supportive, contributing member to this community, which you claim to hold sacred, you would offer the resources you claim to have access to that may assist the sex industry workers. Sex workers that know this game, and aren't falling for it. Sorry, John. Everyone knows, you have to pay to play.

Kind of nailed it there, Baltic. I'm liking seeing people stand up to this loser and call him out. He does the worst "mature" fake persona I've come across. I mean, there are levels of pathetic, lotsa levels, and he sits at the bottom, and to all intents and purposes appears to be still digging down even further.

 

[WayOut]

I know the truth of me and the thing that has been so special about this place is that it was, until now, the only place I could tell me truth, in all its shameful ugliness.

Oh ffs, cry me a river, loser.

 

[Smilla]

Oh ffs, cry me a river, loser.

I really regret having outed myself as a former sex worker.

Would have enjoyed telling him off via the wire app but you and Baltic did it for me.

To this I say: thank you.

 

[WayOut]

I really regret having outed myself as a former sex worker.

Would have enjoyed telling him off via the wire app but you and Baltic did it for me.

To this I say: thank you.

Why regret something like that? Selling sex, or as some put it, your body, to people that want it and are prepared to pay seems very sensible to me, as long as you take care of yourself. Lots of respect.

People who prostitute their minds and/or the power they have in society, ie, lawyers, corrupt politicians, scammers etc, are the lowest of the low. No respect there. None.

 

[Smilla]

Why regret something like that? Selling sex, or as some put it, your body, to people that want it and are prepared to pay seems very sensible to me, as long as you take care of yourself. Lots of respect.

People who prostitute their minds and/or the power they have in society, ie, lawyers, corrupt politicians, scammers etc, are the lowest of the low. No respect there. None.

Thank you. Funny I became an accountant and saw more corruption and bs in that field than I ever did working independently in prostitution.

But society hates us and truth be told no one gets into that field without a plethora of issues trailing behind them, usually childhood trauma and low self esteem.

 

[LostGirl]

I worked in a Karaoke bar singing with older Japanese men so I could save some money to buy silly material things, but after the first night, I felt very dirty and cannot continue.

 

[Threads]

I am reopening this thread.

And I will be actively monitoring this thread. We need to be respectful and considerate of others here.