CTBing due to Schizoaffective Disorder

[Illegal Preclear]

This video randomly showed up in my suggested feed on Youtube today. It's an interview with a man that happens to have all the same mental illness diagnoses that I do: Primarily Schizoaffective Disorder (I say I have Schizophrenia because it's what most people are familiar with and I don't feel like explaining the difference to people, because I don't really fully understand the difference myself).



I really love this interview, because this man just lays out how it be, with no hopium, copium, or sugar coating. The first line says it all.

Interviewer: "Do you believe you still possess the ability to be happy?"

Schizoaffective man: "..................No."

The man speaks candidly about what it's like to go into a spiral of psychosis, delusions, and hallucinations. That on your best day, you're just numb, anhedonic, and tired. On your worst day, you're terrified and confused as the chaotic world of your psychotic delusions impinges upon the real world and your logical self and it gets harder to tell where one ends and the other begins. He, like me, also can't remember their fully psychotic episodes or what they did or said during them.

He talks about how embarrassing it is when someone from his past runs into him and he's no longer the person they knew. (I relate). How people fear him due to his illness even though he's never done a violent thing in his life. (I EXTREMELY relate). He also talks about his recurring delusions, and how on his good days he knows they're insane and not real, but on his bad days he can't tell.

I could go on forever about my recurring delusions, but the most abjectly horrifying one is this: That I won't be able to die. Not that I'll have a failed CTB attempt, but rather (and please don't laugh) that my parents with their wealth have invested in having clones of me made and that I've actually CTBd several times before and have had my consciousness transferred into a clone. Again, don't laugh - this is the stupid, psychotic shit Schizoaffective Disorder makes you believe at your worst moments.

I actually can't participate in discussions about the 'Simulation Earth' theory because I start spiraling into delusions that if I CTB, somehow I'll just be "reprogrammed" back into the simulation like nothing happened. Discussions about AI are another huge mental health trigger for me.

You're probably thinking all these thoughts are ridiculous, and they are, but Schizoaffective Disorder (and by extension Schizophrenia or any mental disability involving Psychosis) is just a never ending back and forth between you and your mind - your mind endlessly saying "But what if IT IS REAL?" while you just yell "SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP!"

But yeah, all in all, Schizoaffective Disorder is why I'm hanging myself. These past 35 years, ESPECIALLY the past 5 have just been an exercise in what it's actually like to live in Hell. I feel like this interview should be sent to every person involved in pushing assisted suicide to be legal and accessible. This is a Disability from which there is truly no coming back from. A person who loses their arms and legs still has their soul - with disorders in the Schizoid family - you may still have your body but your soul is gone. Your ability to think, and speak coherently, remember things, feel things - it all fades away while everyone around you treats you like an animal that's gone rabid.

At least rabid animals get to be put down.

 

[divinemistress36]

This hits hard "You may still have your body but your soul is gone"

 

[Chex]

Well said
Me personally I feel like me entire town and friend group is hidden inside my phone and they all just mock me for the shit that I do and nobody can convince me it's not real even if it's not. Too many signs of it being real that is just has to be. That's why I get drunk nowadays so i can just feel normal and like myself again but it's just me being fucked up lol

 

[Illegal Preclear]

That's why I get drunk nowadays so i can just feel normal and like myself again but it's just me being fucked up lol

I've thought about trying drinking again, but my Central Nervous System is so messed up between Psych Drug damage and Autoimmune damage that I get too physically ill drinking for it to be worth it. Which is a shame because I really used to enjoy beer and have been craving it a lot lately. You're lucky alcohol works for you! Before my body got so screwed up it really used to help me feel emotions through the Schizo-ness.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

EDIT: SBSK did another interview with him after a forced Psychiatric Institution commitment after he tried to CTB by jumping off a bridge. The filthy cops brutalized the guy and they stuck him in an average American Psychiatric Institution for 10 days. This is the quintessential American Psychiatric experience (though Psychiatry is utterly evil in every area of the world where it's prevalent). I had to stop listening to the interview because I got too mad. They literally just stick you in a room with no stimuli and forcibly drug you. They put the guy into a bunch of medical debt too. He'd have been much better off if he'd successfully CTBd off that bridge. He sounds so much worse now. You can tell they forcibly drugged him with some gnarly stuff. #APAB (All Psychiatrists Are Bastards).



@Chex I actually decided to drink today and I'm a little tipsy lol. Especially because I "practiced" hanging today and cut off the blood to my brain for a good bit. I'm not feeling too physically ill from it, so I'm hoping I can use "liquid courage" to help things go smoothly when the big for-real hanging day comes.

 

[pocket7]

I have schizoaffective disorder as well. Anti psychotics are ruining my life. But I'm too much of a coward to ctb. I have SN, but I can't do it. I hope I could do it because I have nothing to live for. Every day is absolute hell.

 

[Illegal Preclear]

I have schizoaffective disorder as well. Anti psychotics are ruining my life. But I'm too much of a coward to ctb. I have SN, but I can't do it. I hope I could do it because I have nothing to live for. Every day is absolute hell.

That's how it be. I feel there is no such thing as a Schizoaffective success story. It's a disability that makes every day absolute Hell. And the medications for it just add to the Hellishness. I've been forced to take pretty much all of them (Risperdone, Abilify, Seroquel, Trileptal, Latuda, Depacot, etc. etc.) Risperdone imo is the absolute most Hellish. I'm not on Antipsychotics anymore (though my family thinks I am lol) but the damage is done. Plus I've been on Lamictal for the past 10 years which in and of itself causes brain damage.

Schizoaffective Disorder and the inevitable brain damage that comes with medication for it is hard to describe to people. It's very much what I imagine being in the earlier stages of Dementia is like. There are so many years of my life I can't remember anymore - only that I still had some of my soul left and more cognitive function. I have bits and pieces of memories of what having cognitive function was like, but I'll never be able to experience it again. At least not in this life.