CTB with a gun

[NeedSomething]

Been spending the last few days going back and fourth between staring at a wall, thinking of killing myself, and pointing a gun at my head. Ironically, I have a really good life. Looking in from the outside, that is. But none of it matters if being alive itself is causing me pain. I just dont like being alive. The world is headed to a burning wasteland, human suffering is at an all time high and nobody seems to care. Ive always fantasied about killing myself. I would put a noose around my neck and tighten it when I was a teenager. Ive tried to starve myself to death because I felt I deserved the slow pain because I was taking the "easy" way out. But now, I've spent the last few days pointing a gun to my head. Pacing back and fourth, trying to muster the courage to pull the trigger. But I cant. Why is it so hard to pull the trigger when I want to so bad? My husband wants to leave, but making the decision is hard. If I shoot myself, then they'll at least won't have to go through with filing for divorce and they will get my 401k, everything in my savings account, and hopefully the life insurance. Is this a viable solution? I don't know. But each time I point the gun to my head, I know its only a matter of time. It has to be. I'm so sick of being here.

 

[FuneralCry]

I understand feeling so tired of suffering in this dreadful world, I've also always wished to be gone, I hope you eventually find what you search for, best wishes.