THIS DOES NOT SOUND INSANE. This is literally what I did.
I have a chronic illness (10+years) and had the worst summer of my life, feeling absolutely like death for months into the fall. I basically wanted to die every second of everyday, suffering from my worst symptoms, had to be fed and bathed bc I coudn't care for myself, couldnt get out of bed, depression at all time high, 1000% suicidal bc I just wanted the physical pain and discomfort to end.I prayed so hard to get back to a point wehre I felt a little better, where I could figure out how to CTB, nevermind peacefully, just how to fucking do it at all. I was able to get back on some meds that helped to stabalize things physically and give me some energy back. Through sheer luck I got a hold of some very expensive treatments at 1/3 of the price which helped more. I basically feel so LUCKY bc with it I have spent the last month , month and a half, feeling better than i have in over 10 years. But its just a poor band-aid. My life and momentary comfort is sustained by hard intrvanous medications that I can't take forever. My body isn't healing, its just existing. Anyway, I did everything i wanted (within measure of course). I hung out with my friends, I treated myself to going to the movies which i love and ate out whenever I wanted, I drew pictures which used to be my favorite past time, and I visited the places I wanted around the area for the last time, I mentally said my goodbyes to the family being able to experience the best holidays that I have in over a decade... and I conciously SOAKED UP every second, every MOMENT of it that was good. Once the holidays passed and I got my N results confirming it was good, there was nothing left to do, as so thats why tonight is my night. Believe me, I still would rather stay here if I could, but I can't chance the degradation to take hold and so I would rather do it sooner than later, BUt i aM still feeling mostly better than before physically and I AM going out WHILE FEELING MY BEST AND HAPPIEST and for that I am grateful as well. It doesn't feel like desperation, it feels like , OK, im ready.
