Deciding to CTB is something you should be sure about, because you can't undo your death. It is ideally not something you should rush to, or decide in the heat of the moment. Making a concrete, resolute plan can be your first step, it is something to focus on, researching possible methods and strategies gives you time to think subconsciously. If you decide not to CTB, you can always change your mind later or, the same cannot be said for actually going through with it. Only you know how you feel, what your experience of life is, and what it means to you. Others can help by offering their advice, but at the end of the day you need to do what's best for you, and you are the one who is best placed to determine what you want.
It's OK to be conflicted, this is a big decision. It's also easy to get lost in yourself, and become consumed with self doubt, which is why I recommend planning. It gives you something external, tangible that can ground you while you get your head around your thoughts and feelings. If you decide to go through with it, you'll be better prepared to go out on your terms; if not, then you just saved your life.