Story CTB this weekend and I just saw the love of my life for the last time ever. So many emotions!

[odette]

I have been in love once in my life, with a man I work with, who I have been in love with for about a year and a half. He doesn't know I exist. I have been an awful annoying little shit, trying to be his girlfriend when he wants nothing to do with me. He mentioned in the work chat that he is going home early today and I know that he doesn't come in on Fridays. Since I'm catching the bus this weekend, I realized that he is going to come into the room where I was working to get his coat and backpack and this would be the last time I ever saw him.

He came in and my heart was beating so hard and fast, it was like it was trying to get out of my chest. So many emotions at the same time! Uncontainable joy and excitement at seeing him this last time. Happiness thinking how relieved he will be to be rid of me. Fear of the pain and loneliness that are coming soon while I'm dying. Sadness that I could never catch his interest.

I have so many things to do to prepare for this weekend. The biggest job is giving away all my stuff and cleaning up the apartment so nobody else has to clean up after me. I'm also going to stay late at work Friday evening to clear out my desk and clean off and clear out my work computer and phone. I have to buy provisions for the busride. I have to set up timed messages to inform the police, my employer, and the beneficiary of my will. I have to cancel my bills and subscriptions to online services. Transfer all my money to the beneficiary of my will (makes it easier to just have it in the account already). Raise the seat on my bike since the beneficiary is taller than me. Check the fire alarms are working so the next person who lives here is safe. Leave out the life insurance info, my will, and the cat's vet records so they're easily found. I think that is everything. So much to do before this weekend! I hope I can manage it all! I guess I might as well pull some all-nighters since there is no point in worrying about sleep debt. :D

 

[KatieW]

That's really alot and well thought out odette. Wishing you a peaceful journey.

 

[ThisIsTheEnd]

Good luck with your method. I hope it brings you peace.

 

[odette]

Goddamnit, I didn't think this through properly at all. I was just getting started packing up my stuff to take to the thrift store when it hit me. Duh! My roommate is going to wonder why I'm clearing out all my stuff. How did I not think about that before? He is very nosy, so even if I come up with a good excuse, there will be lots of follow-up questions and I won't be able to keep up the lie. I'm going to leave him a good chunk of money, so he will be very happy once I'm gone, but I can't clear out all my stuff without arousing his suspicion.

Plus, it occurred to me that someone might want something of mine, and they won't be able to get it if I already gave everything to the thrift store. But I really don't want to leave all my stuff for someone else to go through, that seems like a miserable job. Now I have no idea what to do about all my belongings.

 

[SeekingSolace]

This is an incredibly difficult process regardless of how well you plan it out...you have thought this out very thoroughly! I would say just toss any junk you have and then leave your things incase friends or family would like them. It doesn't take too long to clear out a room. If you need someone to talk to at any point feel free to PM me. I hope you find peace...I'm sorry the world has brought you so much misery.

 

[odette]

Just had another thought. I'm going to drown myself in a nearby lake, but then I realized somebody is going to have to recover the body. If I weigh myself down, then it's going to be a really shitty job for someone to dive into a lake in the middle of winter to untangle and pull out a dead body. Plus they would have to pull out the weights themselves, which sounds like very hard work. Is there a good way to drown yourself without weighing yourself down? I would like my body to be floating after death, so it will be really easy to pull out of the lake. If I send a message at the right time, then the police should arrive before anyone has to see it.

 

[SeekingSolace]

Drowning without weight can be very difficult...survival instinct is a bitch. Plus based on what I've read - unless you're drugged, drowning is a rough way to go.

 

[odette]

Drowning without weight can be very difficult...survival instinct is a bitch. Plus based on what I've read - unless you're drugged, drowning is a rough way to go.

Yes, I've researched it and I'm expecting 3-5 minutes of awful torture. Frankly I'm terrified of it, but I need to do this as soon as possible and I can't think of a better way without having more time to plan or get a hold of poison.

 

[NoReasonToLive]

I wish you luck and a peaceful journey odette. Maybe we'll meet on the "other side" ;)

 

[KatieW]

@odette I think hanging is easier and more peaceful than drowning. But take what's convenient to you dear.

 

[21Neberg]

Yes, I've researched it and I'm expecting 3-5 minutes of awful torture. Frankly I'm terrified of it, but I need to do this as soon as possible and I can't think of a better way without having more time to plan or get a hold of poison.

Don't rush your suicide. Most suicides fail, and if you rush it yours certainly will too. Hanging is accessible and cheap, so read the megathread for that first.

 

[odette]

Don't rush your suicide. Most suicides fail, and if you rush it yours certainly will too. Hanging is accessible and cheap, so read the megathread for that first.

@odette I think hanging is easier and more peaceful than drowning. But take what's convenient to you dear.

I'm ruling out hanging because the penalty for doing it wrong is horrific, far worse than drowning. I could end up just paralyzing myself and being unable to try again. Or I could do it wrong so that it takes hours of torture before I actually die, which is far worse than the minutes it takes with drowning.

Plus I would have to find a spot in the woods where I won't get discovered but the police can still easily find me when they get my timed message. It's a lot easier for the police to just come get me at the lake.

 

[RememberWhatUCameFor]

The biggest job is giving away all my stuff and cleaning up the apartment so nobody else has to clean up after me. I'm also going to stay late at work Friday evening to clear out my desk and clean off and clear out my work computer and phone. I have to buy provisions for the busride. I have to set up timed messages to inform the police, my employer, and the beneficiary of my will. I have to cancel my bills and subscriptions to online services. Transfer all my money to the beneficiary of my will (makes it easier to just have it in the account already).

you sure its a good thing to give your money away?

because when i read this

Just had another thought. I'm going to drown myself in a nearby lake, but then I realized somebody is going to have to recover the body. If I weigh myself down, then it's going to be a really shitty job for someone to dive into a lake in the middle of winter to untangle and pull out a dead body. Plus they would have to pull out the weights themselves, which sounds like very hard work. Is there a good way to drown yourself without weighing yourself down? I would like my body to be floating after death, so it will be really easy to pull out of the lake. If I send a message at the right time, then the police should arrive before anyone has to see it.

i have some doubts you will succesfully go through with ctb (which would be neither bad or uncommon [i read somewhere out of 25 sucide attempts 24 are not succesful])



i think many people who succesfully commit suicide need a certain desperation, ruthlessness and determinism aka a state where you couldnt care less about the strangers that pull your body out of a lake


i wouldnt burn all bridges down. if you succesfully ctb so let it be. but if for some reason you cant get through with its not the worst to have still some money and a job to show up at monday morning..

 

[odette]

you sure its a good thing to give your money away?

Shit, I didn't think about what would happen if I failed. This is so hard to plan. Thank you for the advice.

 

[RememberWhatUCameFor]

Shit, I didn't think about what would happen if I failed. This is so hard to plan. Thank you for the advice.

like i said...far majorites of sucide attempts fail...dont burn any bridges

but think positive: chances are good you will see your working colleague again...does he knows you are interested btw?

 

[NoChoice]

It's honestly amazing to me how driven, energetic and well organized people can be right before ctb. Were almost able to see it in a positive light, we treat it like any other goal or task which is really interesting and somewhat depressing/impressive to think about. I grew up always thinking to ctb you'd have to be some old wrinkly prison guard, janitor, soldier or something or just a lazy depressed person with no friends who lays in the bed in the dark all day (me). While this is sad to me, it is also amazing how you seem to be approaching this at least in your writing, assuming you realize the implications this has.

 

[odette]

does he knows you are interested btw?

He knows. I've tried to get his attention and he wants none of it. He will be so relieved when I'm gone.

 

[RememberWhatUCameFor]

He knows. I've tried to get his attention and he wants none of it. He will be so relieved when I'm gone.

fuck this

 

[woxihuanni]

Wow, I personally don't give a fuck what happens to my belongings after I'm gone. You don't need a perfect plan for everything if you succeed, because you are not there to suffer. But you need a perfect plan for if you survive.