CTB: the low, persistent hum

[Maravillosa]

I no longer feel acutely suicidal, though I suspect that I will feel that way again if things get any worse. However, the idea of ctb remains continually in my head like a low, persistent hum. It is not currently a seductive siren song, the way it has been recently for me.

Does anybody else here understand that? Does anybody else here feel the same way? Many thanks.

 

[Im2high4this]

I feel you on this very much. That persistent hum has been here for most of my life, only turning to those seductive sirens when I draw closer to an attempt. I've failed lots. I'm at peace with the fact today may not be the day I grow the courage, but each day makes the thought of death seem less foreign. I'm now waiting for suicide to catch me, instead of chasing it. I'll make another attempt soon, and eventually I will succeed.

The day it truly becomes too much, the choice will be removed from my hand, and my chase is over.

 

[falconeyes]

Great sign, hope you keep progressing till it completely fades out of your mind.

 

[End Piece]

I completely understand how you feel. A psychiatrist told me that me being actively suicidal was a symptom of depression, while the suicidal thoughts were more of a personality thing? Like, she implied that it's my way of dealing with any bad situation. Anyway, that's kind of personal but maybe it will give you some insight. You're definitely not alone.

 

[Mloureiro]

I no longer feel acutely suicidal, though I suspect that I will feel that way again if things get any worse. However, the idea of ctb remains continually in my head like a low, persistent hum. It is not currently a seductive siren song, the way it has been recently for me.

Does anybody else here understand that? Does anybody else here feel the same way? Many thanks.

Feel just the same, have everything I need but feeling more calmer now, but it is always in the back of my mind, especially when I get stressed

 

[blahblah]

Yes, I do. I am now actively suicidal, and may ctb (just waiting for the right time). However I can remember an incident when I was in a good phase of my life, and almost died (not self inflicted, medical reasons). I wasn't too upset as I'd spent so much time being suicidal, it felt like quite a relief... I was even excited to see what happened. I mean, there was nothing I could do anyway, so I was calm and composed. Its strange because now I'm anxious about ctb, lol, it doesn't seem fair.

 

[omoidarui]

i clicked on this thinking it was going to be another tinnitus thread

 

[SelfHatingAspie]

Relatable. My desire to ctb is just part of who I am.

 

[TearyEyedQueen]

Yup. It has come to a point that being suicidal became my default state.

 

[Willow]

Yes I know exactly what you mean. I want this to stop but I don't know how to do that

 

[LittleJem]

Me too, for so long. Wish I could escape my mind

 

[Sensei]

To me, it"s more like a jack-in-the-box all veiled in grey.

 

[tothemoon]

I'm glad you have some amelioration of your pain right now. I'm actively suicidal have been for over a year. One thing that brings me hope is before my ex used me for her green card and left I had never been suicidal. The thought barely even crossed my mind before then (although I've had depression for years).

 

[Lotus1818]

I'm glad you have some amelioration of your pain right now. I'm actively suicidal have been for over a year. One thing that brings me hope is before my ex used me for her green card and left I had never been suicidal. The thought barely even crossed my mind before then (although I've had depression for years).

It's nice to know the problem of your suicidal thoughts

 

[tothemoon]

It's nice to know the problem of your suicidal thoughts

I never thought of it like that before. I guess knowing is half the battle?

 

[Lotus1818]

Everytime I get really bad urges to CTB it just stays with me more and more. You know that it was bad and it only gets worse everytime you think of CTB again.

I think you will always be suicidal you will never truly lose these thoughts. Atleast for me. Because thinking about killing myself gives me comfort in a wierd way. If I can take my life when it really gets bad, then I have more control over my life.

 

[Moonicide]

I'm right there with you. It's always in the background, some days it's a hum and other days it's a song that is so inviting. It comes in waves, but it all comes back to one thing for me and it's that I ultimately will end it. It's a matter of when... Right now it's a song, not a hum.

 

[NordNihilist]

Yeah I can relate. A small, always present yearning for rest and peace. Like a homesickness of sorts...