Ctb so I can be a good man

[longglost]

I've only been alive for twenty years but I've endured enough pain for a couple of lifetimes. After trying for almost 10 years to get professional help I always end up back in the same spot. I have gotten up so many times but I've had enough. I've been knocked through the floor this time and I don't have it in me to get back up. Everyone looks at me now and sees my mental illness written all over me. I'm completely alone and exhausted. The pain my mind puts me through is so bad it physically hurts my whole body. Everyone important to me has left me behind to get on with their life while I struggle to do literally anything because I feel so bad all the time. Everyone looks at me and sees the things I didn't/can't do in my life. But I know when I ctb everyone will remember me for the good parts of me. I know they'll remember all the good things about me and over time they'll forget about how broken I was. They'll celebrate the things I did in life and they'll reminisce about good memories. I can't fix my mental health. However I can be a good man in everyone's mind. I just have to ctb first. I've been doing everything I can to collect money tonight so tomorrow I can finally get the things I need to move on. I want everyone to love me again. I wish I could show them directly but I'm just so tired. Beyond tired.

 

[Xian_ca]

Hi!

Your situation is so sad… :(

I don't think anyone deserves this. I really really hope you won't die. You are in a very bad place to think that way. Please, please please, just call a suicide hotline, call a loved one… you're so young, there's so much more waiting for you. Trust me, people can and will love you, you don't need to kill yourself for that to happen. You don't want to believe me I imagine. Please, just hang here a little longer.

I'm really sorry about all these bad thoughts you're having. I really hope for the best. If you wish, we can talk. I'll try to help you :(

Wishing the best for you <3

 

[snowbird]

I quite agree with Xian_ca - you certainly don't need to die in order to receive love. Plus, when you are dead, that love will be directed at the memories of you. Not you yourself, because you'd be gone. I don't believe in ghosts etc so in my eyes your existance will be void and this love that you crave (and deserve!) will not be reaching you anymore, because you are no longer.

I strongly believe that everyone can find someone who'd love them. It just sometimes takes a long time, which obviously sucks :( However, the internet certainly makes it easier these days to connect with people, compared to like 30 years ago.

 

[rockn360]

What is your mental health condition? Because mental illness is not visible everyone things we should live life in pain, but I think people should have the choice to CTB if there isn't hope, or too much suffering.

 

[longglost]

Hi!

Your situation is so sad… :(

I don't think anyone deserves this. I really really hope you won't die. You are in a very bad place to think that way. Please, please please, just call a suicide hotline, call a loved one… you're so young, there's so much more waiting for you. Trust me, people can and will love you, you don't need to kill yourself for that to happen. You don't want to believe me I imagine. Please, just hang here a little longer.

I'm really sorry about all these bad thoughts you're having. I really hope for the best. If you wish, we can talk. I'll try to help you :(

Wishing the best for you <3

Thank you so much for your concern. However every day that goes by I feel worse and I know I can't take it much longer. Today I purchased the nitrogen for my ctb and I feel a little bit out of touch with reality. I would be open to talk about it.

I quite agree with Xian_ca - you certainly don't need to die in order to receive love. Plus, when you are dead, that love will be directed at the memories of you. Not you yourself, because you'd be gone. I don't believe in ghosts etc so in my eyes your existance will be void and this love that you crave (and deserve!) will not be reaching you anymore, because you are no longer.

I strongly believe that everyone can find someone who'd love them. It just sometimes takes a long time, which obviously sucks :( However, the internet certainly makes it easier these days to connect with people, compared to like 30 years ago.

I understand what you are saying and thank you for the encouragement. I am okay with no receiving the love directly however. I just want to be something good and right now I wont't be able to do it myself.

What is your mental health condition? Because mental illness is not visible everyone things we should live life in pain, but I think people should have the choice to CTB if there isn't hope, or too much suffering.

I have borderline personality disorder. I begged the hospital to give me a medication to help me with how I feel but they said there isn't a med that would help with my illness. It's just therapy based help, which would take a long time. I honestly don't anywhere near the effort in me for the therapy.

 

[M3lancholia]

I'm so sorry that nobody's helping you - I think they've really let you down, especially regarding meds when you're actually asking for help but they're not listening.
I understand the struggle everyday just to keep your head above water and the absolute exhaustion that comes with it. I got to that point a few months ago and once my sn, ae's & benzos arrived I actually felt a bit stronger knowing I can now leave this world when I want. You then have a bit of breathing space to choose when to do it and you're in control. It may give you the strength to try asking for help again. What country are you in?
I'm pretty sure you're loved but maybe they find it difficult to show. I really hope you can get the help you want