It is normal for someone to have a change of heart about suicide and life in general. It's also normal for the degree of your suicidality to change. But judging and using the word selfish and trying to guilt trip you in to staying shouldn't come from a suicidal person even if they no longer are as suicidal. I feel they could have at the very least been understanding of your decision rather than being shocked and throwing a tantrum as if it's the first time they are hearing of it.
Thank you for your reply. By now they took back the selfishness accusation and we pretty much talked it out.
Sweet jesus, that's hella rude. Like wtf. If you were talking about suicide that freely, and now this coarse attitude? It's selfish to keep people alive against their will!
you might disagree with me, but i think any partner that is willing to call you selfish while you are suffering — ESPECIALLY one that was also suicidal before — doesn't seem like a very kind or empathetic partner. i think even if you don't ctb, you deserve someone who can calmly explain their perspective without calling you selfish.
They kind of overreacted in that situation, but it wasn't due to a lack of understanding or tact. In the past (at an early age, nonetheless) they have been threatened with suicide by people extremely close to them, which explains the less than perfect reaction. Also we have talked about it more calmly since.
I would personally leave when you are 100% certain you will CTB... There's no kind way to those left behind to kill oneself, but there are better and worse ways.
I'm in a position where I'm unable to leave in advance now, but I at least won't surprise my partner with it. My plan is when that time finally runs out, I'll give them a note and keepsakes. And then I'll CTB outside of my home at an undisclosed location, so they can't stop me. So for me, I can't exactly execute my plan spontaneously, though my spontaneous plan just includes leaving the notes and keepsakes in their car. It's more likely what is to happen for me when my time comes, because my partner is not pro suicide. I'd prefer to say goodbye concretely though.
If you don't want to actually die, stay with them.
Does your partner actually love and support you? If so, then hold onto that like your life depends on it. Things can change over time and the option to CTB is always there.
I wish the life raft I was thrown was healthy, personally. But to me living my status quo life of lies and betrayal is excruciatingly painful. I'm holding on to something that is killing me, I live in this limbo of knowing no one is going to come to save me. Even though I desperately need it.
Thank you for your reply.
I don't want to die immediately (at least most of the time) and I am going to stay with them. We have also talked about it.
I'm really sorry about your situation. Not being able to talk about it at all, with the most important person in one's life, must be a burden near impossible to bear. I hope you'll find a way to change your situation or at least cope with it.
No matter what, always be honest about your feelings. Back in 2000, my best friend and I had a pact. We said that life sucked but we would stick it out together. We both dealt with depression and a lot of similar issues. We lived together, so if there was ever anything he needed to talk to me about, he could have. Well, he decided to change his mind on November 28, 2000, with a gun, when I was the only one home at the time. No note, not a word to me that anything was wrong. I didn't grieve for a year because I was so angry. If your partner is in a better mindframe, maybe it's for good and maybe it's temporary but please leave the line of communication open. If you love and trust each other, you both deserve to know each other's headspace is.
Thank you for sharing.
That's horrible and although I understand not wanting to talk about it even with people who are most likely safe, I think that your anger is completely understandable.
For us, the line of communication is open again and we're keeping each other afloat for now.
I think in a way you have become part of the reason why she loves life now. I don't think it would be wrong to assume that because her life got better, maybe thanks to you, she now fears losing that. It's a bit unrealistic to expect her to react differently.
With that in mind, I don't think you can do much to shield her from the trauma of losing you. If your plans are solid, there's not much you can do but to leave her at some point, through CTB or a breakup. I let you choose what would be more devastating. A breakup first or just suddenly leaving in the middle with no heads-up. I personally favor something that would prepare them mentally.
Thank you for your reply.
Your analysis is on point to kind of a scary extent. They actually did tell me that I play(ed) a big part in their recovery and their will to live. I can't explain to myself how I could have contributed to that, but I have no choice but to believe them in that regard.
That's also one thing that still makes me feel selfish, even after we've talked about it and they took back the "selfish" comment.
M
y partner has told me that should I go through with it, they would also want to die instead of having to deal with the loss.
Although it doesn't take any guilt out of the equation, it's nice to feel better understood again.
