error_ratio
Member
- Mar 4, 2020
- 20
**** { I will be updating and replying to this post giving daily updates leading up to the final } *****
Here it goes....
Hello all - my name is P. I have been following this forum for the past month and have recently created a profile in order to ask for some advice (I will be sharing this in the appropriate thread) as well as share my experiences as they lead up to my CTB planned for the end of the month.
I have been struggling with bipolar disorder, gambling addiction as well as depression all of my life (gambling in the last ten years). For me, working was always my 'rock' despite all of the other things in my life. I always had a job from when I was a kid and grew up in a family that believed in hard work. Recently, however, all of this came tumbling down as the management job I had been working became utterly unbearable. I loved the job having been with the company for ten years -- however, being forever sensitive and compassionate with my staff, as well as handling a boss who dropped all of the burden (he was set to retire and just gave up on caring) on me made it absolutely difficult. I had taken two leaves of absence prior to my final leave in order to address my bipolar issues and always came back feeling like I owed it to my staff for my personal defects. I tried so hard to care for my people but the corporate philosophy did a complete 180 from when I had started that the person became totally devalued. Even with a compassionate human resources director, I still felt like I was cheating the company because of all my personal issues. At this point my gambling addiction was out of control and it became a huge burden on my efforts to juggle multiple problems. In September, I voluntarily resigned and severed all ties to my co-workers and staff. I couldn't handle it anymore and I wasn't about to request a third leave of absence and, ultimately, it was my responsibility.
The past six months have been a blur. Even though I have been bailed out twice by my family before, I continued to gamble away all of my retirement savings. For anyone who has encountered gambling, I strongly urge you to consider yourself in light of addiction - please take the survey to rate your addiction as it will take hold of you if you don't know it exists. It was so bad that I found it wasn't about the money anymore but sheer self-destruction. At one point I sat at a blackjack table gambling even though I was miserable - it didn't matter anymore. Not feeling like my parents deserve my debts or anything more - I have decided to take measures to CTB. They have tried showing me ways to better myself via mental health practitioners and medication. It didn't work and I couldn't keep up with my payments and dreaded having to ask them to pay for my counselor visits and medication. They don't know that I have quit my job and I was able to make regular payments to them to clear some of my debt. I love them but I can't ask them to help me anymore. The same feeling of utter misery and defeat solidified, in my mind, the option I must take. It's no longer a passing feeling - I just want to die and cease to worry/hurt those around me. I'm broken and it's not worth fixing anymore. I feel if I'm given money, I'll just gamble it away. If given medication or help, I'll just shy it away. I don't care anymore and it's not worth others caring when I don't.
So far, I've decided my method (sodium nitrite) and have successfully ordered the Tagamet and sodium nitrite via Amazon and have it in my possession. I am going to have trouble obtaining the metoclopramide; but, I have a plan to go to Urgent Care and complain of heightened nausea having tried all OTC options (I'll need to research). I have begun the process of cleaning out my apartment. I am a third of the way there (it's so messy) and have a consultation appointment for a cleaning crew to second clean it. I also will be having movers arrive to take heavy furniture. My vision is to have the entire apartment devoid of my personal belongings and clean - I'l only keep items that can be taken by my family. I don't want them to have to go through and clean up all of my stuff and/or agonize over my socks and books and kitchen stuff. It'll be easy for them and the landlord. I also plan on writing all of my remaining bills/debts down as well as share information for them not to pay any of it (as I'm unmarried and have all my credit cards and loans in my name) as it will be written off during probate. All my auto-payments will be cancelled and I'll even cancel my insurance, phone and cable/internet.
Lastly, my plan for CTB is to book a hotel room in the city for four nights. It'll be kind of a preparation as well as 'last meal/outing.' I'll clean myself completely and use the sauna and massage to feel completely relaxed - hygienically, I will be spotless for the mortician. Having in my possession some medicinal marijuana in the form of edible candies, I'll take those leading up to the final night in order to calm myself. Following the fast and stat regimes of the sodium nitrite, I will CTB by the end of this month (if not less than two weeks).
Anyways, I wanted to post this as I've found most everyone in this forum to be compassionate and understanding. Mental hell can only be understood by those who go through it. I hope to post here regularly in this closing month and I appreciate your time - I wish all of you love and peace.
- P
Here it goes....
Hello all - my name is P. I have been following this forum for the past month and have recently created a profile in order to ask for some advice (I will be sharing this in the appropriate thread) as well as share my experiences as they lead up to my CTB planned for the end of the month.
I have been struggling with bipolar disorder, gambling addiction as well as depression all of my life (gambling in the last ten years). For me, working was always my 'rock' despite all of the other things in my life. I always had a job from when I was a kid and grew up in a family that believed in hard work. Recently, however, all of this came tumbling down as the management job I had been working became utterly unbearable. I loved the job having been with the company for ten years -- however, being forever sensitive and compassionate with my staff, as well as handling a boss who dropped all of the burden (he was set to retire and just gave up on caring) on me made it absolutely difficult. I had taken two leaves of absence prior to my final leave in order to address my bipolar issues and always came back feeling like I owed it to my staff for my personal defects. I tried so hard to care for my people but the corporate philosophy did a complete 180 from when I had started that the person became totally devalued. Even with a compassionate human resources director, I still felt like I was cheating the company because of all my personal issues. At this point my gambling addiction was out of control and it became a huge burden on my efforts to juggle multiple problems. In September, I voluntarily resigned and severed all ties to my co-workers and staff. I couldn't handle it anymore and I wasn't about to request a third leave of absence and, ultimately, it was my responsibility.
The past six months have been a blur. Even though I have been bailed out twice by my family before, I continued to gamble away all of my retirement savings. For anyone who has encountered gambling, I strongly urge you to consider yourself in light of addiction - please take the survey to rate your addiction as it will take hold of you if you don't know it exists. It was so bad that I found it wasn't about the money anymore but sheer self-destruction. At one point I sat at a blackjack table gambling even though I was miserable - it didn't matter anymore. Not feeling like my parents deserve my debts or anything more - I have decided to take measures to CTB. They have tried showing me ways to better myself via mental health practitioners and medication. It didn't work and I couldn't keep up with my payments and dreaded having to ask them to pay for my counselor visits and medication. They don't know that I have quit my job and I was able to make regular payments to them to clear some of my debt. I love them but I can't ask them to help me anymore. The same feeling of utter misery and defeat solidified, in my mind, the option I must take. It's no longer a passing feeling - I just want to die and cease to worry/hurt those around me. I'm broken and it's not worth fixing anymore. I feel if I'm given money, I'll just gamble it away. If given medication or help, I'll just shy it away. I don't care anymore and it's not worth others caring when I don't.
So far, I've decided my method (sodium nitrite) and have successfully ordered the Tagamet and sodium nitrite via Amazon and have it in my possession. I am going to have trouble obtaining the metoclopramide; but, I have a plan to go to Urgent Care and complain of heightened nausea having tried all OTC options (I'll need to research). I have begun the process of cleaning out my apartment. I am a third of the way there (it's so messy) and have a consultation appointment for a cleaning crew to second clean it. I also will be having movers arrive to take heavy furniture. My vision is to have the entire apartment devoid of my personal belongings and clean - I'l only keep items that can be taken by my family. I don't want them to have to go through and clean up all of my stuff and/or agonize over my socks and books and kitchen stuff. It'll be easy for them and the landlord. I also plan on writing all of my remaining bills/debts down as well as share information for them not to pay any of it (as I'm unmarried and have all my credit cards and loans in my name) as it will be written off during probate. All my auto-payments will be cancelled and I'll even cancel my insurance, phone and cable/internet.
Lastly, my plan for CTB is to book a hotel room in the city for four nights. It'll be kind of a preparation as well as 'last meal/outing.' I'll clean myself completely and use the sauna and massage to feel completely relaxed - hygienically, I will be spotless for the mortician. Having in my possession some medicinal marijuana in the form of edible candies, I'll take those leading up to the final night in order to calm myself. Following the fast and stat regimes of the sodium nitrite, I will CTB by the end of this month (if not less than two weeks).
Anyways, I wanted to post this as I've found most everyone in this forum to be compassionate and understanding. Mental hell can only be understood by those who go through it. I hope to post here regularly in this closing month and I appreciate your time - I wish all of you love and peace.
- P
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