Obtained 5mg metoclopramide, waiting on my SN.
I know I just joined this forum, but I'm certain that I want to die. I know it's going to cause a lot of distress in my family, but it needs to happen. Just thinking about ending it all and obtaining the materials to do so puts a big smile on my face. I feel free and happy knowing that it's going to end.
1. Fast for 12 hours
2. Go to a parking lot I know
3. Take 30mg of metoclopramide, wait 1 hour
4. Ingest 25g of SN in 100 ml of water
5. Play my favorite song in my car (5'nizza- Солдат)
About me:
I used to be intelligent, quick thinking, and a good problem solver. I've done my share of drugs which I believe could have impacted my brain negatively.
In highschool this was when I first experimented with marijuana. I smoked a bit and it was great until I tried dabs where I experienced my entire vision become nothing but tracers of the previous image. After this my thinking skills were believed to be off and I wasn't the same additionally smoking marijuana would give me a lot of anxiety and paranoia. However, I ended up okay with some slight concentration problems.
College was okay and I could easily come up with answers to questions and pick things up quickly without much effort. However, I would "space out" A LOT. Additionally I had a lot of social anxiety. I went to the doctor and was prescribed 10mg of celexa because I failed a depression test and started crying. The celexa worked though. I was really happy, but it died down after a week and I abruptly stopped. A year later I ended up seeing a psychiatrist I was prescribed 0.25mg of Xanax and stopped after for some reason. I was then prescribed Adderall xr 5mg. Additionally I went through Lexapro, Wellbutrin, and finally Prozac which I stayed on for a while. I was on 10mg of Adderall and 20mg of Prozac for about 8 months and I decided to abruptly stop because I felt lazy and for some reason my ego was so inflated which caused me to fail classes from not showing up.
Gradually I'd just not give a fuck about school after quitting my meds and would perform worse. I remember abusing Xanax twice where I would take my old bottle prescribed and took like 4 at a time (1mg). I'd also started drinking alcohol to get some emotion back and escape from my poor school performance.
A year later I'm still struggling through classes and a friend introduced me to shrooms. I didn't give a fuck and just took them without thinking. It was a great experience and I ended up buying shrooms from him in a regular basis. I'd space out the shrooms trips and wait between trips, but sometimes I took like 2 grams then a gram another day. Trips on shrooms were generally terrible because I'd always have terrible paranoid thoughts. I remember one time I did 3.5g of shrooms with this girl and ended up thinking I'm going to marry her. The trip also had my entire body shivering and shaking for some reason (seizure?). Eventually I tried LSD and unlike all my shrooms trip, it did have any paranoid terrible thoughts and I loved it. I did a few more trips and that was that. Then I tried DMT with that friend who sold me shrooms. Each trip was about 30 mins apart. 10mg was amazing. 15 was cool. 25 was great. But then 50 outside in the cold dark. Yeah my entire body couldn't move and I thought my friend gave me a different drug that made me immobile and I just remember seeing him in class and yelling at the professor that he did this to me and the professor just kept talking while the friend was staring at me the entire time. I was freaking out and tried to get up and walk away and he helped me inside. It was all coming back where I literally felt shocked that I was back and it kinda felt like I came back to life (respawned).
Anyways. I eventually just stopped everything and the semesters that followed were worse. I couldn't process information or form proper sentences. Someone would tell me something and I couldn't remember what they just said a few minutes ago. I did a neuropsychology test at a neurologist and they said I had trouble with auditory memory and my IQ was below average. They recommended anti depressants and here we are.
Been on anti depressants ever since (celexa 40mg) and I'm doing better. However, I'm still having very slight trouble with audible memory, but it's much much better. It's still difficult to grasp new topics for me, but sometimes I get this wave of smarts where I'm back to my old self and understand everything. Not exactly sure what causes it but it just happens. Noted that exercise does bring back the smarts for like 20 minutes.
Caffeine helps a lot with brain function so perhaps my dopamine system is fucked? Also nicotine helps a lot. I did take an old 10mg of Adderall one time after all this before a teat and boom I was back to normal, and spoke at a million miles an hour.
All in all, I wish I never did drugs or saw a psychiatrist. There's some other things about me that I hate. My dad used to be an alcohol and would beat my mom a lot (he's dead now from cancer). I think this kinda fucked me up because I would beat up stuffed animals when I was in elementary school. When we finally got cats, there was some kind of hatred inside me that would cause me to punch and beat up my cat. That cat had babies, but a few of them died on birth. I would torture the kittens to the point where they would pee themselves. This was when I was in middle school, and I haven't done anything like that at all in the past decade. These memories still haunt me and I cry about this stuff a lot. I don't know why I did this stuff, but it happened. People say that adults who abused animals when they were kids end up being psychopaths, but I don't think I am. I've had a lot of moments where I showed empathy and sympathy towards others and cry during sad movies. To be honest, I do think nicotine helps a lot and gives me a lot of emotions, but that's just anecdotal.
I could be successful right in the future, I know this. I just don't think there's a point in life and all the shit I've been through just haunts me.
An attempt at ending my life will come soon, if successful it reaffirms that I shouldn't be alive. If I fail it might be a learning experience and means I'm meant to be. I won't try again unless it messes me up permanently.
I know I just joined this forum, but I'm certain that I want to die. I know it's going to cause a lot of distress in my family, but it needs to happen. Just thinking about ending it all and obtaining the materials to do so puts a big smile on my face. I feel free and happy knowing that it's going to end.
1. Fast for 12 hours
2. Go to a parking lot I know
3. Take 30mg of metoclopramide, wait 1 hour
4. Ingest 25g of SN in 100 ml of water
5. Play my favorite song in my car (5'nizza- Солдат)
About me:
I used to be intelligent, quick thinking, and a good problem solver. I've done my share of drugs which I believe could have impacted my brain negatively.
In highschool this was when I first experimented with marijuana. I smoked a bit and it was great until I tried dabs where I experienced my entire vision become nothing but tracers of the previous image. After this my thinking skills were believed to be off and I wasn't the same additionally smoking marijuana would give me a lot of anxiety and paranoia. However, I ended up okay with some slight concentration problems.
College was okay and I could easily come up with answers to questions and pick things up quickly without much effort. However, I would "space out" A LOT. Additionally I had a lot of social anxiety. I went to the doctor and was prescribed 10mg of celexa because I failed a depression test and started crying. The celexa worked though. I was really happy, but it died down after a week and I abruptly stopped. A year later I ended up seeing a psychiatrist I was prescribed 0.25mg of Xanax and stopped after for some reason. I was then prescribed Adderall xr 5mg. Additionally I went through Lexapro, Wellbutrin, and finally Prozac which I stayed on for a while. I was on 10mg of Adderall and 20mg of Prozac for about 8 months and I decided to abruptly stop because I felt lazy and for some reason my ego was so inflated which caused me to fail classes from not showing up.
Gradually I'd just not give a fuck about school after quitting my meds and would perform worse. I remember abusing Xanax twice where I would take my old bottle prescribed and took like 4 at a time (1mg). I'd also started drinking alcohol to get some emotion back and escape from my poor school performance.
A year later I'm still struggling through classes and a friend introduced me to shrooms. I didn't give a fuck and just took them without thinking. It was a great experience and I ended up buying shrooms from him in a regular basis. I'd space out the shrooms trips and wait between trips, but sometimes I took like 2 grams then a gram another day. Trips on shrooms were generally terrible because I'd always have terrible paranoid thoughts. I remember one time I did 3.5g of shrooms with this girl and ended up thinking I'm going to marry her. The trip also had my entire body shivering and shaking for some reason (seizure?). Eventually I tried LSD and unlike all my shrooms trip, it did have any paranoid terrible thoughts and I loved it. I did a few more trips and that was that. Then I tried DMT with that friend who sold me shrooms. Each trip was about 30 mins apart. 10mg was amazing. 15 was cool. 25 was great. But then 50 outside in the cold dark. Yeah my entire body couldn't move and I thought my friend gave me a different drug that made me immobile and I just remember seeing him in class and yelling at the professor that he did this to me and the professor just kept talking while the friend was staring at me the entire time. I was freaking out and tried to get up and walk away and he helped me inside. It was all coming back where I literally felt shocked that I was back and it kinda felt like I came back to life (respawned).
Anyways. I eventually just stopped everything and the semesters that followed were worse. I couldn't process information or form proper sentences. Someone would tell me something and I couldn't remember what they just said a few minutes ago. I did a neuropsychology test at a neurologist and they said I had trouble with auditory memory and my IQ was below average. They recommended anti depressants and here we are.
Been on anti depressants ever since (celexa 40mg) and I'm doing better. However, I'm still having very slight trouble with audible memory, but it's much much better. It's still difficult to grasp new topics for me, but sometimes I get this wave of smarts where I'm back to my old self and understand everything. Not exactly sure what causes it but it just happens. Noted that exercise does bring back the smarts for like 20 minutes.
Caffeine helps a lot with brain function so perhaps my dopamine system is fucked? Also nicotine helps a lot. I did take an old 10mg of Adderall one time after all this before a teat and boom I was back to normal, and spoke at a million miles an hour.
All in all, I wish I never did drugs or saw a psychiatrist. There's some other things about me that I hate. My dad used to be an alcohol and would beat my mom a lot (he's dead now from cancer). I think this kinda fucked me up because I would beat up stuffed animals when I was in elementary school. When we finally got cats, there was some kind of hatred inside me that would cause me to punch and beat up my cat. That cat had babies, but a few of them died on birth. I would torture the kittens to the point where they would pee themselves. This was when I was in middle school, and I haven't done anything like that at all in the past decade. These memories still haunt me and I cry about this stuff a lot. I don't know why I did this stuff, but it happened. People say that adults who abused animals when they were kids end up being psychopaths, but I don't think I am. I've had a lot of moments where I showed empathy and sympathy towards others and cry during sad movies. To be honest, I do think nicotine helps a lot and gives me a lot of emotions, but that's just anecdotal.
I could be successful right in the future, I know this. I just don't think there's a point in life and all the shit I've been through just haunts me.
An attempt at ending my life will come soon, if successful it reaffirms that I shouldn't be alive. If I fail it might be a learning experience and means I'm meant to be. I won't try again unless it messes me up permanently.
