Venting CTB now or consider recovery

[Svenhog]

Unfortunately I've ended up in a pretty bad spot lately. I've had a good life just a couple of months ago, but now everything has turned dark. I have a wife and 2 kids, and a good job that pays very well. I've always been good at school, but I'm an introvert and pretty shy, which has given rise to some difficulties in my life. Despite this, I've managed to meet my wife, and we've had a pretty good life until now.

We've recently sold our house and moved to a bigger and much more expensive house. Unfortunately in this process, I've been struck by sleeping difficulties and a very bad depression with suicidal thoughts. My anxiety is over the roof, I have a constantly vert high puls and I can no longer work. I feel my cognitive abilities have declined a lot. I'm constantly in fight or flight, and just getting through the day is really hard. I can't do anything, not even cook dinner. I feel that the relationship with my wife is falling apart, and if I don't recover soon I wiill be alone. I can't even play with my kids in my current state. Everything is unbearable right now, and I fan see no light. We can't afford this house when I'm sick, and I frankly hate this house. I wish that we were in our old house, which I loved. I have no idea why we sold it. I can't see any way out at this time, and the road to recovery seems long and hard. Everything is falling apart. I feel that my only way out is to CTB, and to do it now. I've even made preparations. What are my options? Should I give everything a chance, or just leave now? Is it premature to even consider CTB? Any thoughts are welcome.

 

[avaruus]

I think you're pretty far in life, might as well finish the race.
This may sound annoying, especially coming from a virgin with no experience with women, but communication is the key.
Try to talk to your wife, might as well tell everything that you just posted here, if she doesn't get it. Maybe she isn't the one.
A wife and a husband should always be on the same track about whats going on.

 

[DyingToDie123]

ctb will always be there. I think it's worth trying recovery. Nothing's happened that's unfixable from what I can tell. I know the feeling of wanting to do it urgently though.

 

[Praestat_Mori]

I really don't want to sound negative but I can understand what you are going through. Obviously the major factor that caused and still is causing you the depression and the MH issues is that new house and the burden that comes with it. Unless you are able to eliminate all factors that are causing your MH issues a potential recovery may fail. The earlier you start fixing the issues the better it is. You should sort your stuff then you can decide whether you want to give yourself a chance to recover or CTB is the one and only option left to end suffering.

Whats your method as you mentioned that you made preparations for CTB? (If I may ask that.)

 

[Svenhog]

My preferred method is SN. I've also considered a modificaton of DDMA. I'm a doctor, and can prescribe drugs to myself, although I'd like to avoid this if possible, since my prescription rights could be revoked if anybody suspects anything. The drugs I need för SN can easily be obtained without causing any suspicion though.

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be tiring and dreadful what you are going through, but I believe it's a personal decision deciding what to do as other people aren't you. Only you are the one experiencing your existence so only you can decide. But anyway I wish you the best.

 

[chronically_in_pain]

it's worth it to try recovery. like others have said, you've come this far. you have a wife and kids and they love you. if life truly becomes the worst it can get, ctb will be an option in your back pocket. but consider your family and how it would affect them. think of how far you've come, and how your life can change in 2 years. stay strong, keep pushing. right now you can't fight for yourself, so fight for your family. please consider recovery. reach out if needed.

 

[betternever2havbeen]

Can't tell you what to do, but I think CTB should be a VERY last resort-especially if you have kids. Sleeping problems are hell and I'm guessing you're being kept awake thinking about everything that needs doing in the new house and worrying. I really think things will settle down in time, moving house is super stressful. It's only been two months right? I would give it some more time, you had a good life before so I'd hate for you to throw it away and also leave your wife and kids heartbroken when you could have a good life again. Just my opinion, but I think it's what you want as well right, to keep going? You will feel so much better after you can get some good sleep again. And I think if you just explain to your wife how you're feeling she'll understand-it's only been a short while and you're a good husband it sounds like, she's not gonna desert you. If you keep worrying about that it's just gonna make you more depressed and anxious and delay your recovery. I really hope everything works out for you.

 

[Kalabrese]

Change your home now again, that place is cursed, I have theories about this.. maybe your new house is in an electromagnetical place where all frequencies connects and you are much sensitive than others, you just didn't realise before, so maybe you are suffering from this. I dont' know, is just a theory from my personal experience. If you are able to escape from your new house for a few days, try to notice if something change at your sleep or morning routine while you are out. I hope you can recover from this stage.