brokenwaves
i need to cross a border that’s hard to define
- Feb 19, 2021
- 118
i'm finally going to ctb next week...
i haven't picked the exact day yet, i'm thinking mid-week, it depends on a few things. definitely next week though, god it feels so surreal to think it's happening in basically a few days. it almost feels too 'good' to be true, like am i really going to escape this shit? i've been kicked down so many times, it feels like this life won't let me out of its grasp. but i'm beyond tired of it all now, i'm using all my strength to make sure i'm getting out of here. i feel a peace inside me knowing i'll be free of all this weight i've been carrying my whole life, but also a lot of guilt and sadness when i think of my loved ones.
i'm sad that the act that will free me from pain, will cause pain for others. the few people i am close to, they can be uncaring and cruel at times, but they do have a love for me i think. and my death will cause them pain. the main people i am worrying about, and who have caused me to postpone my ctb for years, are my sister's four kids. they're young (ages ranging from 2-13) and i'm quite close to them as i've lived with them for about a year, and saw them regularly before then too. they're such lovely little humans and i feel horrible that they will experience grief so young, and i feel weird that in time they will 'forget' me, and that i can't see them grow and be there for them.
but one thing i've learned in this life is that it is almost impossible to stay alive solely for other people. i can't live my life suffering, carrying the weight of severe trauma & mental illness, just so i don't hurt people. the pain my death causes will be my one regret in life, but this death is inevitable, this pain is not something i asked for. in fact, i've spent the greater part of my life fighting it and trying to recover. i don't have anything left to give now.
i'll still try to be a bit active on here over my remaining days, as it's the only place i can be open and honest about this experience. and i will post a proper farewell too the day before i ctb. thanks for reading
i haven't picked the exact day yet, i'm thinking mid-week, it depends on a few things. definitely next week though, god it feels so surreal to think it's happening in basically a few days. it almost feels too 'good' to be true, like am i really going to escape this shit? i've been kicked down so many times, it feels like this life won't let me out of its grasp. but i'm beyond tired of it all now, i'm using all my strength to make sure i'm getting out of here. i feel a peace inside me knowing i'll be free of all this weight i've been carrying my whole life, but also a lot of guilt and sadness when i think of my loved ones.
i'm sad that the act that will free me from pain, will cause pain for others. the few people i am close to, they can be uncaring and cruel at times, but they do have a love for me i think. and my death will cause them pain. the main people i am worrying about, and who have caused me to postpone my ctb for years, are my sister's four kids. they're young (ages ranging from 2-13) and i'm quite close to them as i've lived with them for about a year, and saw them regularly before then too. they're such lovely little humans and i feel horrible that they will experience grief so young, and i feel weird that in time they will 'forget' me, and that i can't see them grow and be there for them.
but one thing i've learned in this life is that it is almost impossible to stay alive solely for other people. i can't live my life suffering, carrying the weight of severe trauma & mental illness, just so i don't hurt people. the pain my death causes will be my one regret in life, but this death is inevitable, this pain is not something i asked for. in fact, i've spent the greater part of my life fighting it and trying to recover. i don't have anything left to give now.
i'll still try to be a bit active on here over my remaining days, as it's the only place i can be open and honest about this experience. and i will post a proper farewell too the day before i ctb. thanks for reading