Venting Ctb might be sooner than expected

[Chiisai]

After my experiment and 1st attempt with SN that failed because I wasnt able to hold the drink in and exhausted my will in overcoming SI, I tried to shift my focus on my business matters for my family to forget about my failed attempt and to gather my will to overcome SI again. I have become a recluse for I cannot bear the dishonor of my financial and social suicide so Ive been handling my business remotely. It was going great for some time but lately it felt repetitive, constricting, and somehow pointless and when I think about it logically with all the circumstances, even logic agrees that its best to CTB rather than prolong a state of hopelessness. This amazes me too as its been a first in a long while that my feelings and logic agree on something.

I really feel tired thinking and feeling all this stuff now and the sooner I achieve my goal for my family, the better. Else, even though its painful to think about, I might just have to leave what remains of my things to them and leave the rest to God in hopes they will be able to cope. I cant stand the guilt and the worry of leaving them abruptly and unprepared. I just hope that if I get to this life a second time, I will repent my mistakes and be able to make things right for them. For now, I will try to stay strong and cherish myself with the idea of this quote

"He that dies pays all debts" - William Shakespeare

 

[Sunset Limited]

Same here. I was planning on august but I think I have to do it soon.

 

[Wails]

I wish you the best and wish you success in your next ctb

 

[Crazy4u]

I understand. I wish you find relief from your suffeting

 

[Pen>Sword]

I respect any decision you make. Make sure that you've made the right decision. You're not alone in this journey.

 

[Midgardsorm]

"He who died pays all the debts"

Thank you for this quote. I really needed right now.

I'll keep close to my heart.

 

[Feeding Pigeons]

I hope you succeed in all of your goals, in this life and in the next. I echo what @Midgardsorm said. I needed to hear that too.

 

[Chiisai]

I hope you succeed in all of your goals, in this life and in the next. I echo what @Midgardsorm said. I needed to hear that too.

Thank you for the well wishes and for letting me know that I was able to contribute something to any of you.

 

[FuneralCry]

Living can be very tiring. Of course the survival instinct can be very frustrating as it makes ctb difficult, it is determined to keep us suffering. More than anything I wish ctb was easier. Whatever happens, I wish you the best.

 

[Death is beautiful]

I wish you good luck in your goals, buddy, I liked your element of overcoming SI by tricking your brain and drinking SN quickly. I also liked your optimism, it's amazing how being suicidal you stay so positive

 

[Chiisai]

I wish you good luck in your goals, buddy, I liked your element of overcoming SI by tricking your brain and drinking SN quickly. I also liked your optimism, it's amazing how being suicidal you stay so positive

Thanks for reminding me. I have forgotten about that due to being busy. I'll try that again. As for my positivity, I try to be positive so I do not end up a vengeful spirit Instead, I try to see my time here as an adventure/experiment and anything new I learn here is a discovery. Besides, the thought of being free of worries, facades, and material baggage soon is a bliss. The only thing I need is just to have enough strength to overcome the pain.