Quarky00
Enlightened
- Dec 17, 2019
- 1,956
So after my January 25 ctb was suspended and after a rough couple of months in a homeless shelter , I'm planning it back again . "Suspend" is after all not terminating something but just a temporary pause. I've recenetly discussed some of the current issues in private and public , and I think it's time to put it all together (for myself).
Things do not change in this flat , and I don't see a fair chance for a relief or a path to reach some bearable state -- and I am being rational about it . I am thinking practically about how and when to end my life . Nothing soon I assume , and there isn't a particularly severe emotional distress currently , but I am tired . I was patient and gave this thing more than a couple of months. Things aren't working for me.
(1) No living room, being in bed, verbally abused
I am comfortable in my room but I cannot breath here , it's so small , even the manager said it's too small and he actually said "I can't breath here" lol . I was sitting a lot in the flat's living room which is spacious , and that gave me some relief/space/time , but sadly that's not available . First manager brought new homeless people that slept in our living room temporarily . Afterwards a flatmate here got drunk and threw parties in the living room , obviously evicted (zero tolerance to drugs/alcohol) . When things calmed down another flatmate fought with me about the living room . And now manager brought 2 new homeless people to sleep in our living room . So this never ends . My only refuge is going outside , and I'm sorry that's not enough for me . I can hang out as much as I want outside , but I honestly have nothing to do for more than 2h . So I'm otherwise confined to 22h in bed .
Being in bed is bad . It strongly encourages lethargy , prevents me from getting up and eating , bad for digestion when I do eat , bad on my back (can't even sit) , distressing , depressing , and increases pain. The manager keeps yelling at us , and though that may be justified for other flatmates (as you can see they are bad) , it's wrong when it's directed at me , e.g. I do 90% of the cleaning here (including rough stuff) and I help others all the time . I literally clean after their shit .
I have politely raised all the issues with flatmates and NGO manager , and not as a complaint but "I don't mind working hard but can you help me a bit?" -- and nothing changed. They all said "yeah sure" , but when push came to shovel found excuses. Just like everyone else in my life.
Same old, same old .....
* [EDIT]:
The manager always screams at my roommate , a weak harmless quiet 67yo , that can barely open a bottle himself , and threatens to kick him to a care home for "not cleaning" -- while others here don't clean at all , toxic , careless , noisy , with anger issues etc . He calls him names like "stupid gypsy" and verbally abuses him . It's unbelievable . Well me as well -- the manager called me "ungrateful" and a "whiner" when I reported the food went bad . I'm tired of the manager bringing in more people while we barely survive and fight over the tv as it is ... Is he insane? Does he want this place to explode? He will later blame the people, while he is in fact to blame for overcrowding.
(2) No hope with health or welfare services , nerve pain continues
I have complained to several authorities about treatment I got . I was hoping either to make them act , at least acknowledge some wrongdoings , or ctb and leave a mark that may change the system . I got an ethics committee reply , for example , after I complained about doctors with evidence , and I understand there's no point in publicizing the people or the bodies that had failed me . They just don't care . That's another lost cause .
To treat my trigeminal pain , at the same clinic that was cheap and abusive about prescribing basic antibiotics , I need $400 / £300 . For that I need state funding , approved by my incompetent SW . So far I'm on non-NSAID , non-Opioid , painkillers . I've already reached the top daily dosage with paracetamol and I'm reaching the top dosage with the other painkiller as well . I can't eat on my left side . Some of the time the left side of my face is totally numb (though not paralyzed or anything) , and sometimes there's a small lump at the edge of my jaw, so there's probably some infection there.
I can't use NSAID because of my GI issues , and in any case seeking better treatment right now is problematic . There isn't proper medical treatment when things are normal , so it's even worse now with the epidemic . But even without I wouldn't bother ..
(3) Ctb -- desperation
The NGO manager responsible for the flat seems to view this place as some central bus station (somewhat ironic) and there's no point in organizing my stuff here or notifying him that I'm leaving . I won't carry any ID and I'll throw my phone so it will be a bother for police and others . They haven't made my life easier , that's for sure .
There's not much point in waiting though , like waiting for the summer to enjoy the beach or something ; it's not like things will change in the flat or my country, it's quite stupid to perpetually postpone for a temporary brief relief . I cannot live a life based on this jail mentality here , and the overcrowdedness is overwhelming . 8 people in a small 3-bedroom flat with one shower/toilet .. We have shortages of food (I buy some groceries myself) .. etc. The manager now plans to paint the entire flat . Trust me , there's no need to . The walls are practically white . Other crucial things here barely work. He's totally disconnected. When I came here my bed was broken and my back hurt, I told him twice and he finally yelled at me "why didn't you say sooner" -- while offering to help 'next week'. I finally fixed the bed myself. As always I said everything and I wrote everything: the flat is crumbling , we are overcrwoded , flatmates are verbally violent, there are cockroaches, we don't have space (manager brings junkies/homeless to sleep in our living room), but I am ignored.
Same old , same old ... Just like with psychiatrists , doctors , neighbours , "friends" , whatever . It's the same pattern of "why didn't you say" (or something similar) while promising to address the issue . I'm sure they'll all keep saying that to themselves after I die ;) "We did not know" . "Why didn't Quarky seek help" . Etc ;)
(4) Other options, thinking about the future
My main goal is to somehow improve my physical condition. I have vicious cycles of anxiety , insomnia , GI issues , and nerve pain . Each time one thing causes the others, i.e. it's not a single thing. I would have like to improve that and bring it to a bearable level , and then be "passively suicidal" and consider my options. I'm eating very well and that's the main difference, I gained weight (in a good way), and my GI issues improved, but things are flimsy now in the corona period -- catering, bakeries, restaurants, etc are closed so NGO is having supply chain problems. We are experiencing shortages.
I can't see a future here in general. We have a huge housing crisis, and a horrible job market. You can't even lease a shed in a decent price. I think things are pretty similar to many places in Ireland or France (and perhaps other places), with three main differences: (1) While rent is comparable salaries here are lower , (2) there are no rural places to escape to , (3) people here are real assholes . Like , I get that living conditions may be bad everywhere , but people here also treat each other badly in general .
People here go out without masks , they don't keep social distance , they push in queues ... Rumours about lockdown relaxation: everyone are out and about, children playing in the park (though forbidden), again without masks. This is a nation of outlaws, basically a no man's land. The public here is excessively stupid. While most people demand improvement of health , welfare and financial aid -- people here complain about the "lockdown" itself, as if that's the problem (and it's not a minority view). I don't personally care about it, and I'm not here to rant about the epidemic -- it's just indicative of how stupid and despairing this place is.
I would love to try any other form of relief , like enjolras detailed here for example . There are no such things here . The job market was cruel before , and there were NO partial time jobs (that would suit a disabled person), and it's even worse now. It won't get better because there are no plans to support businesses, industry, or even agriculture (I used to work in a farm when I was young -- it was a fine deal). I just can't think of any place to run to.
My previous plan was to consider hospitalization , and thus get full disability benefits (I'm only getting temp 'homeless funding' and some allowance, both pennies .. ). This was influenced by an advice from a former member and it was bad. If I suffer from verbal abuse from flatmates and manager here, lack of space, too much noise, and cockroaches -- I'll get that x10 times more in a psychiatric hospital. I've checked, they actually have the cockroaches in the food and all ;)
If it was possible for me to grab a plane / bus to a different country , I would definitely do it without hesitation . That's not possible . I'm no in the US/EU so even without the corona thing I can't move about without a visa -- or at least being physically competent. A wild shot is to somehow learn a new practical job and use it to relocate, but really not the time to look for a job.
I thought about learning to be a phlebotomist / auxiliary health worker / paramedic and learn my way through it, but the tuition is outrageous and the courses are faraway. I can't believe that a country that needs healthcare workers makes it hard for them to study it (there are no loans etc). Only volunteer jobs during the crisis is packing launches for care homes. Despite being somewhat disabled I'd totally pull myself together and do some hard work had it been feasible or even mildly rewarding (in any form). There is a high demand for workers in agriculture but they offer "students whose studies were canceled" to just volunteer (hard physical job) with no pay , food , or accommodation. I feel like the farmers here really abuse the situation to get free labour. Never seen anything like it. Again, I'm not here to rant about them -- it's just indicative of how stupid and despairing this place is.
Some have suggested going to a motel for a couple of days. Due to the situation there are really nice decent places at a dead cheap prices. What would that solve? I'll be fine for a week or two and then it'll all start back again. Staying in a motel every month to relief the stress is obviously not a solution.
~
Same old , same old ...
( * I amy back to my state of about 5 months ago , when I didn't wanna eat or shower at all .. not even take meds .. just die .. )
Things do not change in this flat , and I don't see a fair chance for a relief or a path to reach some bearable state -- and I am being rational about it . I am thinking practically about how and when to end my life . Nothing soon I assume , and there isn't a particularly severe emotional distress currently , but I am tired . I was patient and gave this thing more than a couple of months. Things aren't working for me.
(1) No living room, being in bed, verbally abused
I am comfortable in my room but I cannot breath here , it's so small , even the manager said it's too small and he actually said "I can't breath here" lol . I was sitting a lot in the flat's living room which is spacious , and that gave me some relief/space/time , but sadly that's not available . First manager brought new homeless people that slept in our living room temporarily . Afterwards a flatmate here got drunk and threw parties in the living room , obviously evicted (zero tolerance to drugs/alcohol) . When things calmed down another flatmate fought with me about the living room . And now manager brought 2 new homeless people to sleep in our living room . So this never ends . My only refuge is going outside , and I'm sorry that's not enough for me . I can hang out as much as I want outside , but I honestly have nothing to do for more than 2h . So I'm otherwise confined to 22h in bed .
Being in bed is bad . It strongly encourages lethargy , prevents me from getting up and eating , bad for digestion when I do eat , bad on my back (can't even sit) , distressing , depressing , and increases pain. The manager keeps yelling at us , and though that may be justified for other flatmates (as you can see they are bad) , it's wrong when it's directed at me , e.g. I do 90% of the cleaning here (including rough stuff) and I help others all the time . I literally clean after their shit .
I have politely raised all the issues with flatmates and NGO manager , and not as a complaint but "I don't mind working hard but can you help me a bit?" -- and nothing changed. They all said "yeah sure" , but when push came to shovel found excuses. Just like everyone else in my life.
Same old, same old .....
* [EDIT]:
The manager always screams at my roommate , a weak harmless quiet 67yo , that can barely open a bottle himself , and threatens to kick him to a care home for "not cleaning" -- while others here don't clean at all , toxic , careless , noisy , with anger issues etc . He calls him names like "stupid gypsy" and verbally abuses him . It's unbelievable . Well me as well -- the manager called me "ungrateful" and a "whiner" when I reported the food went bad . I'm tired of the manager bringing in more people while we barely survive and fight over the tv as it is ... Is he insane? Does he want this place to explode? He will later blame the people, while he is in fact to blame for overcrowding.
(2) No hope with health or welfare services , nerve pain continues
I have complained to several authorities about treatment I got . I was hoping either to make them act , at least acknowledge some wrongdoings , or ctb and leave a mark that may change the system . I got an ethics committee reply , for example , after I complained about doctors with evidence , and I understand there's no point in publicizing the people or the bodies that had failed me . They just don't care . That's another lost cause .
To treat my trigeminal pain , at the same clinic that was cheap and abusive about prescribing basic antibiotics , I need $400 / £300 . For that I need state funding , approved by my incompetent SW . So far I'm on non-NSAID , non-Opioid , painkillers . I've already reached the top daily dosage with paracetamol and I'm reaching the top dosage with the other painkiller as well . I can't eat on my left side . Some of the time the left side of my face is totally numb (though not paralyzed or anything) , and sometimes there's a small lump at the edge of my jaw, so there's probably some infection there.
I can't use NSAID because of my GI issues , and in any case seeking better treatment right now is problematic . There isn't proper medical treatment when things are normal , so it's even worse now with the epidemic . But even without I wouldn't bother ..
(3) Ctb -- desperation
The NGO manager responsible for the flat seems to view this place as some central bus station (somewhat ironic) and there's no point in organizing my stuff here or notifying him that I'm leaving . I won't carry any ID and I'll throw my phone so it will be a bother for police and others . They haven't made my life easier , that's for sure .
There's not much point in waiting though , like waiting for the summer to enjoy the beach or something ; it's not like things will change in the flat or my country, it's quite stupid to perpetually postpone for a temporary brief relief . I cannot live a life based on this jail mentality here , and the overcrowdedness is overwhelming . 8 people in a small 3-bedroom flat with one shower/toilet .. We have shortages of food (I buy some groceries myself) .. etc. The manager now plans to paint the entire flat . Trust me , there's no need to . The walls are practically white . Other crucial things here barely work. He's totally disconnected. When I came here my bed was broken and my back hurt, I told him twice and he finally yelled at me "why didn't you say sooner" -- while offering to help 'next week'. I finally fixed the bed myself. As always I said everything and I wrote everything: the flat is crumbling , we are overcrwoded , flatmates are verbally violent, there are cockroaches, we don't have space (manager brings junkies/homeless to sleep in our living room), but I am ignored.
Same old , same old ... Just like with psychiatrists , doctors , neighbours , "friends" , whatever . It's the same pattern of "why didn't you say" (or something similar) while promising to address the issue . I'm sure they'll all keep saying that to themselves after I die ;) "We did not know" . "Why didn't Quarky seek help" . Etc ;)
(4) Other options, thinking about the future
My main goal is to somehow improve my physical condition. I have vicious cycles of anxiety , insomnia , GI issues , and nerve pain . Each time one thing causes the others, i.e. it's not a single thing. I would have like to improve that and bring it to a bearable level , and then be "passively suicidal" and consider my options. I'm eating very well and that's the main difference, I gained weight (in a good way), and my GI issues improved, but things are flimsy now in the corona period -- catering, bakeries, restaurants, etc are closed so NGO is having supply chain problems. We are experiencing shortages.
I can't see a future here in general. We have a huge housing crisis, and a horrible job market. You can't even lease a shed in a decent price. I think things are pretty similar to many places in Ireland or France (and perhaps other places), with three main differences: (1) While rent is comparable salaries here are lower , (2) there are no rural places to escape to , (3) people here are real assholes . Like , I get that living conditions may be bad everywhere , but people here also treat each other badly in general .
People here go out without masks , they don't keep social distance , they push in queues ... Rumours about lockdown relaxation: everyone are out and about, children playing in the park (though forbidden), again without masks. This is a nation of outlaws, basically a no man's land. The public here is excessively stupid. While most people demand improvement of health , welfare and financial aid -- people here complain about the "lockdown" itself, as if that's the problem (and it's not a minority view). I don't personally care about it, and I'm not here to rant about the epidemic -- it's just indicative of how stupid and despairing this place is.
I would love to try any other form of relief , like enjolras detailed here for example . There are no such things here . The job market was cruel before , and there were NO partial time jobs (that would suit a disabled person), and it's even worse now. It won't get better because there are no plans to support businesses, industry, or even agriculture (I used to work in a farm when I was young -- it was a fine deal). I just can't think of any place to run to.
My previous plan was to consider hospitalization , and thus get full disability benefits (I'm only getting temp 'homeless funding' and some allowance, both pennies .. ). This was influenced by an advice from a former member and it was bad. If I suffer from verbal abuse from flatmates and manager here, lack of space, too much noise, and cockroaches -- I'll get that x10 times more in a psychiatric hospital. I've checked, they actually have the cockroaches in the food and all ;)
If it was possible for me to grab a plane / bus to a different country , I would definitely do it without hesitation . That's not possible . I'm no in the US/EU so even without the corona thing I can't move about without a visa -- or at least being physically competent. A wild shot is to somehow learn a new practical job and use it to relocate, but really not the time to look for a job.
I thought about learning to be a phlebotomist / auxiliary health worker / paramedic and learn my way through it, but the tuition is outrageous and the courses are faraway. I can't believe that a country that needs healthcare workers makes it hard for them to study it (there are no loans etc). Only volunteer jobs during the crisis is packing launches for care homes. Despite being somewhat disabled I'd totally pull myself together and do some hard work had it been feasible or even mildly rewarding (in any form). There is a high demand for workers in agriculture but they offer "students whose studies were canceled" to just volunteer (hard physical job) with no pay , food , or accommodation. I feel like the farmers here really abuse the situation to get free labour. Never seen anything like it. Again, I'm not here to rant about them -- it's just indicative of how stupid and despairing this place is.
Some have suggested going to a motel for a couple of days. Due to the situation there are really nice decent places at a dead cheap prices. What would that solve? I'll be fine for a week or two and then it'll all start back again. Staying in a motel every month to relief the stress is obviously not a solution.
~
Same old , same old ...
( * I amy back to my state of about 5 months ago , when I didn't wanna eat or shower at all .. not even take meds .. just die .. )
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