Venting ctb in 32 hours

[someone@]

i want to share smth abt me here ,hey guys its been a year and a half since my last thread, i was active here but i didnt post anything. anyways ,i think im going to ctb tomorrow night , i want to share what happened since my last thread basically i was saying that i was scared of my highschool exams , and i was trying to get into med school fast forward i did get accepted in med school my family was happy etc etc, but then when the results came out at the end of the year turns out i failed half the classes so i have to retake it again and not move forward to 2nd year ,the system is weird here i have to study on my own then have the exams so now im just stuck in my room to "study" and i am doing a shitty job at it i cant physically read anything my head is so fucked i cant focus on anything anymore i am so depressed , i mentioned before that my family were abusive ,now nothing really happens anymore bc i kind of moved out and i go visit them its just that they know i failed so now i feel so awful and pathetic bc now everyone knows my bussiness and i didnt want that to happen anyways my classmates didnt even bother to check on me bc now we dont take classes together anymore so its like i have been thrown out like trash like nobody fucking cared that i suddenly dissapeared and they are together everyday like i know u noticed im gone anyways i just thought they were my friends ,i dont want to make myself look like a victim atp no one at the moment harmed me and no one has a duty to help me in anything , the only good thing in my life is my twin sister and my cousins who i know really care for me ,but even that isnt enough for me it might sound bratty to say that when i have people who care for me but im still going to off myself i just realised i have been feeling this way since forever and nothing fucking changed not in school not in college and now that im "studying from home" i feel like i cant go another day like this i cant even imagine that i have to wake up for another day and repeat the cycle ,im litterally stuck at home not going anywhere i feel so fucking lonely apart from my family no one talks to me i feel like i dont have any presence so my death wont change anything, since no one acknowledge my existence when im alive , its just that i dont have a life or a hobby or anything i dont do anything or hang out with anyone so my life is really empty ,im stressed my parents only care that i do well in my exams and i get it i owe it to them bc they spent a lot of money on me but i feel like im only alive just to study and work and i dont want that i only convinced myself that i should go to med school bc i want to be a psychiatrist so i feel like im not worthless and that im actually doing smth to help others who feel the same as me and then i will feel good abt myself ,but i even went to a doctor and it didnt help so i started losing hope why am i suffering all of this ? just to end up not helping anyone ? if he couldnt help me how come i could help others? it was a mistake ,suicidal people shouldnt take hard majors like medicine bc they will end up more suicidal like me propably , anyways i think im going to share how i will do it in another post bc i have some questions that i hope someone can answer thank u for reading all of this

 

[darksouls]

however you decide,
I wish you the best, I hope you find the peace you desire