Venting CTB and Dissociation (vent post)

[ogerpon]

I've been wanting to CTB more and more lately largely due to dissociation issues. The past few months have felt like a dream and I'm half convinced I'll wake up in spring. It's hard to not try and impulsively injure myself just to see if that triggers the "end of the cycle" since it feels as if there's no true consequences. The days of this dream also last for an eternity and it's hard to go from moment to moment. I've felt very hollow and empty in a way where I've "lost myself" and my memories of each day are unstable and foggy. I mostly rely on writing things down to remember anything I've done or am going to do. At the same time, I'm connected to past memories enough that I can navigate conversations on trauma and the past easily enough, but I feel very detached and as if I'm an actor half reading off a script half doing improv. It's in a way where I know I've done it before, it feels familiar, but it also feels foreign on my tongue. That's how everything feels. New and familiar.

I know who I'm supposed to be enough that it isn't an issue to other people, I can do what I need to do without them knowing and I know all of the information I need to, but I'm more of a ghost or a "nothing identity" inhabiting a husk of a body waiting for the dream to be over. Rationally, I know it's not going to end and that something fucked up and life is like this now (likely a medication change, I looked back in my calendar and I started a medication [that I've since discontinued] around the time I think I'd "wake up"). I have to accept that I'm like this now and I'm not going to easily return to what was once before even though everything in my past feels like someone completely different. Feels more like a person than I am now (even though I know I have never felt like a person).

Why would I want to live this way? I have many other symptoms I deal with as well, both mental and physical, but this has been the worst. If I had a method I knew would work, I would take it. OD is probably the most realistic route for me to take considering what I have access to/can tolerate, but that's not at all guaranteed to work. Ideally I'd buy a gun, but I wouldn't pass a background check. I'm not going to do anything that's going to fail and disable me because I refuse to live with my mistakes and be given less access to try again.

The unfortunate part as of late is that I must have said something that my therapist picked up on. I truly didn't think I said anything out of my usual set of phrases regarding how I want to CTB even though the urge has been stronger lately, but it's been stronger for this whole month. He's deemed that I'm "in crisis" and now I'm to see him biweekly and he's trying to get me more services. I don't mind this inherently, but I had to narrowly avoid being sent to the hospital. He's worried about me and I feel bad that I don't feel bad? It's dumb. I'm more frustrated about this development because he's acting like I'm going to CTB on a whim when I told him explicitly the reason I haven't is because I would want to ensure it works.

 

[ipmanwc0]

you described exactly how i feel. i think it's dpdr.. i will ctb to end it

 

[FuneralCry]

It must be really dreadful what you are going through, it's cruel how people have to suffer so much in this existence and I hate how it's so unnecessarily difficult to cease existing on our own terms, to me it really would be such a relief if it's straightforward to leave this existence. But anyway best wishes.

 

[dazed_dreamer]

I feel similarly, dissociation is the main reason I can't get my life together and want to die. It feels like I'm already dead actually, and it's just a matter of killing my body. I hope you find peace and a sense of humanity

 

[Hollowman]

Very relatable, it's ruined almost everything.