I found this place last October~ searching around for anything I could find on making suicide look like an accident so I could,try to spare my Daugher the additional and more complex,grief that comes when a parent of a young child kills,himself. I wasnt 100% percent certain I wanted to ctb, but finding such an amazimg community of sympathetic, non-judgement all fellow, aufferers. And it was,like I wasn't as lonely and isolated as I'd been for the previous 2.5 years. So I very quickly started telling my story of amphetamines and a horrific bipolar journey that cost me everything. But telling more,and more of m story in all its sordid detai;s two,things happened at the same time:as I learned more about the ways I could go it started givimg me some sense of control over my life that I hadn't felt in ages. So, i,start taking some steps I learned fromgood,people, here like write a journal that could be given to her when I'm gone - a clever solution someone gave me here to my dilemma of writing my final good bye to her which obviously i could not do if it's accidental or leaving with out sayimg a final I love you. So as learned these things I became more committed to. My certainty was growing that I could do this. That I didn't have to carry all that shame and remorse and Fegret and that fucking black hole of loss I carried around, and then something happened. I started feeling. better! Just vomiting all that bile left me feeling a lot better. Like well, maybe I don't want to ctb anymore. Maybe I'm can just really make a new start of it here in Thailand. So my desire to ctb started to drop. And then something unexpected happened.. a friend vack in the states noticed before I did. I started to mourn. I mean like there'll process of mourning all that loss. Life crashed so hard and fast that I was just going through the motions of life — feeling nothing but shame guilt etc. but. Ow I had gotten rid of some of that and it allowed me to look more clearly at what happed and I started getting sad. I mean I had long been lonely, shamed all that. But not really just sad — like you should feel when you lose someone you love -,or in my case my wife, my daughter, my career, and all that had given meaning to my life. And I was getting really sad about it fir the first time. So I'm in mourning for the beautiful life I lost. Sadder than when I came her nowmcinfused about the ctb thing.