Can I ask why?
I'm a girl so I know this is a gender thing too but the thought of blowing my head off and my body being obliterated is terrible to me. I can't fathom it. With guys though, it's usually they go for the most effective and usually don't necessarily care about the mess afterwards. What makes you want to destroy your body?
Ofcourse you can.
I'm a girl too lol
I too, have found it less common for a woman to want a violent/destructive death though.
I used to want a funeral, flowers in my hair, music of my choice. Romanticized bullshit.
Peacefulness. But life didn't pan out the way I thought it would.
And well it's because I am unattractive and I've also had things happen to my face to compound this issue.
It makes me feel like I have no control. No freedom. My mind is in a constant battle with my body.
I have suffered a great deal due to this. I have lost so many years of my life, time has stood still for me since around middle school. I don't look like the rest of my family. It's very alienating and dehumanizing. I could never accept it. It's not in my makeup to.
I know this type of thing doesn't affect everyone so deeply, but it does for me. That's just my personality. There's a lot of other things that push people over the edge, which I would be able to handle. We are all different in what we can take.
I do not identify with my face and to some extent, my body. Not a needing to change genders type of thing, but the same "I feel trapped" dysphoric type of existence.
Im not the type who cares what anyone else looks like, unless they care..then I would support them in any way they wanted to change.
I just need to feel comfortable in my own skin in order to function.
I know there's more to life, a lot of dreams I had have perished, I hate that I have this probelm, but this thing is too vital for me to live without.
I hide from family and don't keep friends, this in order to save the last piece of dignity I feel I have left.
Since I feel so cornered and so suffocated, and again, lack control of something as basic as my physical self..
I want to destroy my face and body to "escape", it is out of spite, out of bitterness, out of despair. And it is also so I can ensure that there will be no open casket.
When I'm dead, I cannot hide.
I cannot control who looks at me or touches me, or what people say about me. But if there is a way I can get close, I will do it.
I don't trust that a note will persuade anyone to do what I ask.
My family doesn't even know the real me. They'll do what they like and twist my existence and then be on their merry way.
My mother is the only one I've tried to get through to but she doesn't actually process my requests and feelings. And when I'm gone, I don't know what state she will be in to respect my most basic request of a closed casket wake and eventual cremation.
I also requested no pictures. Esp past the age of 11. Currently I am trying to dispose of any images past that age I can get my hands on.
I'm trying to obliterate the cage I have been in for nearly my whole life. Revenge for how it has broken down and stunted the person inside of it.
Even if I won't be able to feel the relief afterwards, it's something I feel an incessant need to do.
I'm not sure it will work out that way but it would be ideal if it would.
Long but I hope that explains it!