Criminal record making depression even worse

[TamiyaTiger]

I was recently charged with a misdemeanor of assault constituting domestic violence, I know it was a massive mistake, and it's something I'll always be deeply ashamed of. In the state I live in, for this kind of crime they will usually put you on probation for a year, where you will take classes on domestic violence prevention, and as long as you stay out of trouble and communicate with the probation officer, and make a sincere effort to improve yourself, the charges will be dropped.

It mostly depresses me that I realized regardless of whether you were convicted or only charged of a crime that you will be immediately disqualified from a very large amount of jobs. I understand that I probably deserve to be disqualified, but I think of the times I was abused or hit by a partner or my parents, and they never had to go to jail, or go to court, or have any kind of punishment for what they did. I know it's stupid to complain about that kind of unfairness, it's just a part of life, but it still adds to my suicidal thoughts. Even after I do everything the court says, and no matter how much I try to be a better person, most companies don't really seem to make any distinction between a charge and a conviction when it comes to a violent crime, so even when the charge is dropped I'll still be unlikely to get a decent job until I'm able to get it expunged. Most of the people I saw when I was in court seemed like ordinary men and women who made a mistake and are trying to get better, I don't think they really deserve to be barred from employment because of it.

I know I don't deserve any sympathy, and I'm trying my best to take responsibility for my actions, but it just adds fuel to the fire when it comes to eventually offing myself, it used to feel like it was possible that maybe things would get better at some point, and it felt like they did for a while. But then I ended up in a relationship with someone who gets drunk and insults me and hits me, and I was too afraid to be alone so I just put up with it until all the resentment boiled over and that abusive part of me that I thought I could fix came back out. I feel like I'll never be able to change that mean and violent part of me, I can only bury it for a while. Maybe it's better that way, it's easier for me to be a bad person, since at least it makes leading a joyless feel like it's some sort of justice rather than just poor circumstances.

I had to take the week off work because all I could think about when I was there was killing myself, I think I'll try to stay alive for the rest of the year but I don't even know if I'll make it that long.

 

[Angi]

I know I don't deserve any sympathy, and I'm trying my best to take responsibility for my actions,

You certainly have my sympathy. I think you do derserve it, because you are a fellow human being and because you are taking responsibility and trying to improve. If you are in the US, there are special therapy programs for DV perpetrators, often fully funded by local organizations. Maybe google this for your area, or ask the people who teach your classes? Anyways, I hope you give the abusive part of you a chance to speak and heal, after all it is a part of you, too.

 

[timf]

Your employment prospects may be better than you think. In a society with a shrinking native population, someone who shows up on time and consistently becomes a desirable candidate. Also working as a temp could be a good strategy as you get a chance to demonstrate your good qualities and it can be a way to get a foot in the door.

 

[fell]

Hi! First, I'm so sorry that you experienced that in your relationship I also had an abusive childhood and abusive relationships, and completely understand the experience of boiling over. Have you looked up "reactive abuse"? (I'm not a huge fan of the term - but it's essentially that when someone is abused and pushed for so long in a relationship - we naturally "snap" under the pressure). You are not alone, you're not crazy, and this will not haunt you for your life

I have a similar experience, and I hope that in sharing this can help you on your journey!

My partner also had a DV assault charge shortly before we got together, one DV incident with an abusive partner + 2 roommates (an escalated fight between the whole house) that led to 3 assault charges for him (one for each person involved). The below is not meant to make excuses for him (he truly struggles with anger, and it's been a long journey for him to heal) - but to help shed light on the journey that may lay ahead.

He was in a state with similar laws - probation and classes for a year.

The classes seemed like a burden at first (he was angry to have to take them) but truly ended up being a life-saver for his emotional well-being. He learned about the abuse he experienced as a child, how that led to his own patterns of anger and pain, and how he found himself in similarly abusive situations, and patterns where he also couldn't navigate his anger and emotions, and eventually reacted in a big way himself. It's taught him how to set boundaries with toxic people in his life (family, friends, partners) so he doesn't find himself in escalating situations as frequently, and when things escalate, he's better able to either realize the person is toxic and he needs to get out, or can express himself in a more grounded way. He's far from perfect and healing is a journey, but you may find the classes to be helpful to understand the context and find healing as well.

When it's come to jobs - the charge was not the end of his career that he believed it would be in the beginning. Perviously, he mostly worked in the service industry which has no background checks (or extremely rarely), and has been completely fine to continue to get jobs there. He had been in the process of transitioning to more corporate and remote work in the tech industry when he got the charge. This originally felt impacted, but since he has found many opportunities. At first, he had interviewed for a few jobs with big corporate companies and once he got to the background check, unfortunately was denied. However as you said, this won't be the case once you're able to get it expunged.

He did find work outside the service industry at other big companies doing remote customer service, sales, etc that didn't do background checks at all - and those went totally fine, got the jobs. (Keeping full time jobs has been a separate issue as he still struggles with depression and autism). He also found it was easy to get jobs with small companies that don't background check at all - "mom and pop" businesses, small teams for remote work, freelancing, being a virtual assistant, freelance sales person, helping website designs, social media work, freelance tech support, etc. He's gotten a lot of great freelance gigs through Fiverr and Upwork doing all kinds of things - none required any background checks. And he's been able to grow his resume with a lot of cool skills in the meantime!

Originally, he also feared his background check would hold him back - but there have been a lot of opportunities, it's just been a bit more searching to find small companies and freelance gigs versus relying on a full time job at a big company. There's definitely opportunities out there!

While it's been emotionally hard for him to grapple with the pain of this the past year, he's off supervised probation now in just a few days, and it's a huge relief for this to be soon in the past. He will still have another year of unsupervised probation, but will be allowed to travel and have more freedom, which is a relief. There's absolutely a light at the end of the tunnel, and it won't follow you forever. It's a temporary set back - with a lot of relief and healing on the other side feel free to PM me if it would be helpful!