Venting creativity, talent

[heroine]

I like making OCs a lot, and making stories. I have a lot of projects I am working on that will be made into games (primarily visual novels) in the future, whenever I complete the stories. I am an artist. but I wish I was better at the things I do, that my stories were better, I feel so so uncreative. the only things of mine I'm genuinely proud of are two of my OCs and their designs. (I don't want to post any of them here since I post them publicly sometimes, don't wanna be recognized by anyone)

I care deeply about likes, reposts, and attention on my art and any writing I feel comfortable enough to share. but I hardly get any and it hurts so much. I know I shouldn't let how much attention my art gets determine its worth, but I cant help it. I've tried. I post it on twitter, 20 likes max. I post it on discord, two reactions and maybe a basic compliment if I'm lucky, while posts after mine get way more. I post it on tumblr, damn near nothing. that's immature isn't it? I wish I could change the way my mind works in regards to this.

whenever I read visual novels, at least once, I'll think that maybe had I been a little more creative I could've thought of this too. yes, I'm not the creator of it so it'd be different, but a lot of the things I like are things I would make. since I create what I like. I've been trying songwriting lately, but none of it is working out. I can't write a full song no matter how many attempts. I can barely write a full verse. and the lyrics I do manage to write are mediocre.

I feel like I am too stupid for coding. I have brain fog, so I might not even be able to properly understand some of the things required to make games. I am focusing on working on my OCs and storylines before any of that though, so I guess we'll see.

I love creating. I really do. I like making stories and designing characters and fleshing them out to be like real people, at least to some extent. hell, I'm working to become a character designer. but none of it is good enough, I can't take it anymore. I'm more likely to fail than anything.

and I might fucking have heart disease (I'm really hoping I don't, appointment soon) so if I do and I can't figure stuff out soon I'll have nothing to my name if I die early without it being on my own terms

 

[whitetaildeer]

this is the realest thing i've read on sasu, good god

i've been far too shy to post my work recently because i feel similarly --- that my work is mediocre. one thing i read is that, it's easy when you're starting out to get caught up in how many likes/reposts/comments you get, but the more you put yourself/your work out there, you're going to care less about how many likes/comments you get from people, and more so that you're getting them from people who matter to you. that being, friends you've made who also draw/write, and even people you admire. i've made a writer friend and i can confirm, us bouncing ideas off of each other and getting excited about what we make has been infinitely more rewarding than any comments/likes i got years ago from old artwork i used to make.

the most painful thing we have to do is keep moving forward and keep creating even if we hate our work...

 

[Kibby]

I wouldn't say its immature to want validation its normal to want that especially if deprived of it but yeah the end goal would be not needing that
I do though wish we lived in a time where it was easy to commit to the arts and feel like you aren't wasting your life because of how career-focused everything is

 

[lucaricoomio]

Oh man, yeah I relate heavy, 'Comparison is the death of joy' and all that.

Wishing you the best on your doctor's appointment tho! :)

 

[nogods4me]

Same. I never got into much of anything, be it creative, technical, academic...anything really. but part that has to do with my innate deficiency in talent and intellectual abilities. I know what I am and while some might think it is okay it just never was for my environment. Even some autists who have the new opposable thumb that makes them good at computer science have it easier. That is part of what led me to contemplate suicide. Even if I "accept" what I am, it won´t change anything. I know that based on my upbringing I should die and few to zero other people have ever created a new living environment for me to thrive in...because their isn´t one. Some people just have no place in this world.

 

[ForgottenAgain]

Your post is very real, my past self relates a lot.
I would say, putting art on social media was what ruined my life long passion of drawing/painting. I wish I had never done it. Just like you, I got caught up on likes, comments, etc and too worried about people liking what I made.

Why? In the past I never cared about other people, I created for myself and that was always enough and so much better!

I kept posting and hating what I made more and more, even though I was improving. In the end, I got a 10 year art block from it, deleted all social media and my heart broke.

Only around 1 year ago or so I returned to art, fueled by extreme sadness and suicidality. I made a vow to myself to not post my work online. I created a little website for my art that only exists on my PC and I look at my paintings there. It feels so much better to not have likes, views or comments attached to them. I like that only I can see them and that they have equal value, it's what it should always have been, like it was when I was a kid, just drawing for the sake of it, care free, for the love of creating, for the pleasure of transforming ideas into images. Now I like I what make again.

I don't draw/paint as often as prior to social media, I don't know if I ever will, but regaining some of my love for art back was deeply important to me. It made me realize how much losing that was making me want to die. I'm never posting anything again, it's much better to share with a friend, show my boyfriend, etc. My art is my own, fuck everyone else.

 

[WhatPowerIs]

I wish you the very best. I have no creativity or talent whatsoever, nor do I have the energy to pursue my creative outlets if I had any.