Craving support but can’t find any

[-nobodyknows-]

I am conflicted.

I want to be saved, but I also want to die. I think this is because I don't think I can be saved. Or rather, that there is no realistic way to do so.

I read a novel today called "Welcome to the NHK". Finished it in four hours. It was just okay for the most part, and I didn't really connect much with the protagonist or his friend, but there were a few parts that really stuck with me. In particular, the stuff with Misaki, and most of all, the second contract.

Spoiler

A will not start to hate B.
In fact, A will start to like B.
A will never change mind.
A will never have a change of heart.
When one party is lonely, the other always will be at his or her side.
As B is always lonely, basically A always will be at B's side.
If we do this, I think our lives probably will move in a good direction.
I think the painful times will go away.

Ah… this is way too relatable. This is exactly what I wish I had too.

I am such a clingy person. I am very desperate to find someone who will stand with me. I am so desperate for it.

But there is no support to be found here.

What is someone like me to do? I want to be helped. I've done so much. But it's not nearly enough, and I am starting to crack.

Why do people not see? Why do such emotions drive others away? I want to be saved. I don't want to die. Why do you not stay? I do not mean to hurt you. I simply have very long spines. I cannot get close to anyone without impaling them with the spines of anxiety and sadness that are rooted in my self-destructive feelings.

I cannot cut them off. I have tried, but they regrow way too quickly. Sometimes people feel them, but they do not realize just how long they are, so they will try to connect but then change their mind.

The thought that there is no one fills me with so much dread. I try to have faith, but I know that such a person probably does not exist. And the likelihood of me running into them before I shatter is even smaller.

These feelings of desperation are the worst. I wish I could cut them away, and just accept that things will never change. I wish that I had the strength to live my life with these feelings so I wouldn't hurt those around me. But I am so pathetic. I don't have the strength to stay for people who are unable to support me, even though I know they wish they could. I am so terribly sorry for what it will do to them.

If only I had someone who could help me support this load. Of course, starting out they would have to take a very large percentage of it, because of how weak I have become, but I want to be able to take it back from them. Naturally they could throw all of their own weight on there too. I would do everything I could to support them. Even if it ended up ultimately destroying me.

I think that is the problem. I don't care about myself enough. I think if the roles were reversed I would have no problem supporting someone else, no matter what it did to me in the end. I think this is because I know what it is like. But I don't think there are too many other people like that.

I am an anomaly.

 

[wayn]

Ah, I hope you will be better soon.

 

[Interestedsadboi25]

This is way too relatable...
I wish you the best of luck for the Future

 

[Just_Another_Person]

Here is some words to live by: if you build yourself above someone, when they shake you will shake. And when they leave you are going to crumble. And then you met a new person and the cycle starts all over again. You shouldn't expect for someone to save you, you have to save yourself. It is not easy and fast, but it is the only way.

And you are not an anomaly, you are a person.

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Here is some words to live by: if you build yourself above someone, when they shake you will shake. And when they leave you are going to crumble. And then you met a new person and the cycle starts all over again. You shouldn't expect for someone to save you, you have to save yourself. It is not easy and fast, but it is the only way.

And you are not an anomaly, you are a person.

Unfortunately, it's not really possible for me to do that anymore. I have tried to help myself for a very, very long time. But things did not work out. Things are hanging by a thread, so all I can do is hope that something happens before it snaps.

And yes, I do think I am different. The way that various friends have left me, despite knowing the situation I am in, is something I know I would never do. I'm sure that leaving is the smart thing to do in order to protect oneself, and I don't hold it against them. I know they feel powerless, and how upsetting it must be to know that I am like this.

But, again, if a friend of mine revealed to me that they felt the way I do now, I would do everything in my power to be there for them. Even if it hurt me. Maybe it's because of the way I am now, and I know what it's like. Or it may simply be because I'm looking for someone who needs me so they won't leave. I do not know for sure.

Either way, I know this sort of behavior is not normal. If something is painful, you should not try to get closer to it. And yet… I need someone who can do just that.

 

[babouflo201223]

I am conflicted.

I want to be saved, but I also want to die. I think this is because I don't think I can be saved. Or rather, that there is no realistic way to do so.

I read a novel today called "Welcome to the NHK". Finished it in four hours. It was just okay for the most part, and I didn't really connect much with the protagonist or his friend, but there were a few parts that really stuck with me. In particular, the stuff with Misaki, and most of all, the second contract.

Spoiler

A will not start to hate B.
In fact, A will start to like B.
A will never change mind.
A will never have a change of heart.
When one party is lonely, the other always will be at his or her side.
As B is always lonely, basically A always will be at B's side.
If we do this, I think our lives probably will move in a good direction.
I think the painful times will go away.

Ah… this is way too relatable. This is exactly what I wish I had too.

I am such a clingy person. I am very desperate to find someone who will stand with me. I am so desperate for it.

But there is no support to be found here.

What is someone like me to do? I want to be helped. I've done so much. But it's not nearly enough, and I am starting to crack.

Why do people not see? Why do such emotions drive others away? I want to be saved. I don't want to die. Why do you not stay? I do not mean to hurt you. I simply have very long spines. I cannot get close to anyone without impaling them with the spines of anxiety and sadness that are rooted in my self-destructive feelings.

I cannot cut them off. I have tried, but they regrow way too quickly. Sometimes people feel them, but they do not realize just how long they are, so they will try to connect but then change their mind.

The thought that there is no one fills me with so much dread. I try to have faith, but I know that such a person probably does not exist. And the likelihood of me running into them before I shatter is even smaller.

These feelings of desperation are the worst. I wish I could cut them away, and just accept that things will never change. I wish that I had the strength to live my life with these feelings so I wouldn't hurt those around me. But I am so pathetic. I don't have the strength to stay for people who are unable to support me, even though I know they wish they could. I am so terribly sorry for what it will do to them.

If only I had someone who could help me support this load. Of course, starting out they would have to take a very large percentage of it, because of how weak I have become, but I want to be able to take it back from them. Naturally they could throw all of their own weight on there too. I would do everything I could to support them. Even if it ended up ultimately destroying me.

I think that is the problem. I don't care about myself enough. I think if the roles were reversed I would have no problem supporting someone else, no matter what it did to me in the end. I think this is because I know what it is like. But I don't think there are too many other people like that.

I am an anomaly.

Please don't be so cruel with yourself. Many people think "I'm an anomaly". Really ! And what ? Being an anomaly can be lucky, but you don't want to see that, your brain doesn't want to allow such a thought because your brain wants to block you and it's awful of course. But in fact, you are able to reverse that. There is a key, somewhere. But would you even accept this idea or not ?

 

[-nobodyknows-]

Please don't be so cruel with yourself. Many people think "I'm an anomaly". Really ! And what ? Being an anomaly can be lucky, but you don't want to see that, your brain doesn't want to allow such a thought because your brain wants to block you and it's awful of course. But in fact, you are able to reverse that. There is a key, somewhere. But would you even accept this idea or not ?

Can you expand on this a little more? I don't really understand what you're saying