Venting craving being in dangerous or risky situations

[monetpompo]

i'm too insecure. i'm not a whole enough person to maintain my friendships and i often lay in bed doing nothing for hours at a time because i have no job and license. i have no way to leave the house or do anything, even when i want to do something.

my neighborhood is really safe, since it's mostly old people or parents raising in their kids here. everyone in my age range moves away or is moving away by now. all my friends from community college are talking about living in the city to go to a state university. i'm kind of losing the will to work on my driver's license because i think that i just want to hang myself. i think that i'll take me a month of weekly lessons to get my license at this rate. i think that i should stop if i genuinely don't care about getting my license anymore.

i feel like shirking my plan to go to my friend's birthday party in december to make a suicide attempt quicker. while i appreciate that he invited me and i'm already wrote him a birthday card, the suicidal thoughts are getting too hard for me to ignore these days. i keep thinking of hurting myself or ruining my relationships. i think that i might start cutting myself to have something to distract myself, but i'd have to buy a bunch of medical stuff from walgreens first. the inconvenience of it just feels tiring. i haven't had enough energy to do anything besides choke myself with my rope or strangle myself with my hands. punching my head gives me too much of a headache, but i used to do that in the past. i'm more tired than frustrated these days.

i wish that getting hit by cars was a viable method. i think about it all the time. it used to be how i imagined that i'd die as a kid, getting my body and my head run over until i'm all mangled. i can't put myself into situations like that because i could kill someone elss by making them crash their car than them killing me. i think about dying every night. i want someone to take their anger out on me and hurt me. i don't want people to think that i'm a good person when i'm a depressed loser that should get yelled at and made fun of. i want to be taken advantage of for how weak i am.

 

[monetpompo]

everything is so tiring that i just want to fall apart and die. i can't be motivated like everyone else. i don't even want to leave my bed. i know that i'm allowed to and completely free to die if i want to. i know that if i don't tell anyone, then they won't care. i wake up and i think these same thoughts like i'm begging god or something psychic to somehow read my thoughts and come into my house to kill me. but i'm the only one that'll ever kill myself. i can't die if i never even leave my house.

i'm not going back to college. i'm never getting a job. i'm never getting a license. this is literally all i can do with my life anymore and i'm tired of people thinking that i should keep on living when i'm living for nothing and no one. all my friends are going to move away and leave me. i hardly see my friends in person to begin with. i feel like i don't exist in the real world and every night i'm contemplating if i should take an uber to the woods and see if i'm brave enough to hang myself or if i'll spend 24 dollars to go back home in shame. maybe my embarrassment will make me stay in the woods to kill myself. i think that i was messing up by still using my phone in the woods during my past attempts when i could've just not texting anyone and not logged onto sasu.

i don't want to be told to not kill myself, because what will i do if i don't? what am i looking forward to? who's waiting to receive a text from me? will my parents be happy that i'm alive, or are they just trying to avoid paying another bill for a mandatory hold in the hospital? crying and apologizing for being a burden doesn't make me any less of a burden. self isolation doesn't make me less of a burden. the only thing that would make me stop being a burden and stop having needs is if i killed myself. i am a nothing person. i lay in bed and do nothing and pretend that i have a disability that keeps me chained to my bed when i can get up at any time, i'm just lazy. i'm just acting self pitying, and i don't realize that all i need to do is "go outside" and "eat something" in order to feel better.

all my words mean nothing to everyone, even here. i mope and cry and complain about my same problems over and over because no one in my real life wants to hear about what i'm going through. i'm not living a hard life, i just hate myself. i just ruminate whenever i have time to think and i always have time to think because there's nothing in my life to occupy me anymore. i'm never busy. i'm always waiting for someone to tell me what to do or to send me a text because in that instance, i have a purpose. but all i say anymore is empty nonsense. i hate my voice. i hate knowing that i'm talking to someone else snd that they're registering the things i'm saying. it feels better to shrivel into a ball and die than force people to remember i exist by having a presence in their lives.