Venting Craving abuse / mistreatment

[true faith]

I spent so much of my life being traumatized that now it's just about the only thing that feels comforting or like being loved to me. My brain is broken and actively working against me.

When I'm doing well, I fantasize about giving up on everything and handing myself over to someone who would abuse me.
When I'm doing poorly, I think I should hold off on CTB-ing because I tell myself it'd be better if someone else could kill me of their own accord.

The last time I was assaulted was in January. I want to see him again because part of me liked it.

I know what I want and I'm scared I'm pursuing it unconsciously even when I don't mean to. I have an extensive history with self-harm and I just want someone else to ruin me because it'd be less lonely than spiraling by myself, hurting myself, keeping my distance from other people because I'm scared of hurting them too. If I'm going to suffer either way, I'd rather just do what feels right and succumb to something better than me.

 

[nomorefight]

I get the same feeling. I was assaulted a year ago today and still feel like seeing him again. Like I want to punish myself by seeing him or find someone who will hurt me until im dead just like beat the shit out of me. self harm doesnt even do it for me anymore like its not something i even desire now because it doesnt work at all

 

[not_a_robot]

I almost said some stuff about self-harm and I had to stop myself when I realized I would only be encouraging most of you.
*shakes finger scoldingly*
Oh, you!