CPTSD thread

[Untetheredwill]

@Suicidebydeath and @little helpers brought up CPTSD recently. Tagged you both feel free to respond as little or much as you like. Or to decline talking.

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I have CPTSD and I'm trying to find a good way to vent.

Especially around family and when this Christmas turned out to be very much the same ol' people interacting with me, not changing despite me changing and doing the therapy work. It turned out to drag me deep down into my head, getting all heady and dissociating from body.

The past will always rear it's head at holiday season… unfortunately my previous actions before, when I had no idea why I was ideating and the eventual trauma I caused on younger siblings, plus my Mum who had to look after me without my dad to calm my flashbacks. I had a long day and my mum gave me a lift home, both of us had to be on high stress mode. She was holding in all her anger at the inner critic (I guess that's how I'd conceptualise it although she uses very basic mindfulness techniques and gets annoyed when they don't work).

The trigger happened late in the evening and was just one thing - a long build up after me comforting my sister (sister was hungry and mum did nothing as usual) when she went into neglect mode and I'm trying to manage my own flashbacks whilst sister has hers. And then finally the trigger I couldn't stop from piercing me was that she said 'why can't you just laugh at this!'. Do I really need to hold up signs in front of my Mum saying she is not a goddess which centres the whole family?

Christmas gave me a good chance to add some of the missing picture into my recovery. I remember that even when I was 16 my friend was perceptive enough to notice that if drunk I would be triggered and my face would turn into a different person when in a flashback.

 

[subj]

Let me think on this a bit. I will respond. Can you be more specific what you are asking?

 

[Untetheredwill]

Let me think on this a bit. I will respond. Can you be more specific what you are asking?

Chance to talk about CPTSD if you have it or are curious :)

 

[subj]

Y

Chance to talk about CPTSD if you have it or are curious :)

Thank you.. my understanding is it can come frrom multiple exposures over time. They can even be less sever than one awful experience but their cumulative nature makes them wors, nearly habitual

 

[little helpers]

man, the drunk thing? TOTALLY. I don't bring this up on SS too much but I/we got OSDD as well besides CPTSD. shrink didn't really specify which but I'm pretty sure it's OSDD-1b. funny thing, ex got OSDD-1a and we didn't had no fucking clue only till we broke up. when every alter is going under host alter's (my) name for protection it can be hard for others to pick up on that. we are not rolodex switchers though. "we" meaning me and others in our system. but I have a good deal of losing time as with co-consciousness. I'm sorta frontstuck these days. I been getting this more and more recently and I don't quite know what's going on. someone gotta write a post-it note telling me if that's cuz they wanna die too, and are goddamn lazy they just want me to do this for everyone. lol.

so. real glad we have a CPTSD thread running. I don't know how many of y'all here also got a dissociative disorder. don't have to say nothing if you'd rather remain silent on that. I totally understand.

personally I don't like a lot of psychoanalytic-type terms too well. not inner critic but "inner child" is one. okay, I *got* motherfucking children in my/our head. they front too. and I really *do* parent them just becuz they too cute. lol. but it gets infantalizing a lot of the times. I don't know what y'all think, but I can't fucking stand it when my *human* needs gets pinned a "motherfucker grow up" label on it. really wanna tell them that's none of their business. re-parenting or whatever is meant for the person(s) themselves. how they see fit.

that's all, thank you, no one has to agree with me but if you like it then tell me more 'bout this.

Y

Thank you.. my understanding is it can come frrom multiple exposures over time. They can even be less sever than one awful experience but their cumulative nature makes them wors, nearly habitual

usually it's unescapble traumas perpetuated over a good while. long period of time. especially with no outside help/any support person. it's not limited to child abuse. grown people get it too. like domestic abuse survivors, being trafficked, cult, people who been held in hostage at war. I also think prisons may do that as well. jail time not really. sitting on a 8 to 10 is too fucking much. and enough trauma in prisons. daily. or if you been stuck and/or sectioned in psych wards (I call them psych prisons). disabled and/or neurodivergent people in "care" facilities. all of that.

and what separates it from classic PTSD is the nature of the trauma being interpersonal betrayal trauma. like, conflicted interests whether you should love (be cared for and not neglected) or hate (cuz they fucking hurt you) this/these person/people. and the effects of this may not necessarily be more *or* less severe. but span over more areas. especially interpersonal ones. I know you didn't ask for this but I kinda want everyone else to psychoeducate themselves if they didn't already. I hate shrinks. they don't say nothing 'bout these info.

 

[subj]

Chance to talk about CPTSD if you have it or are curious :)

Im wondering if cptsd is more difficult to escape because it is hardwired , it happens over a long period and you come to integrate it nd the emotions it creates. I thin k in my life adolescent sex abuse on top of a very angry dominating parent whwhere I learned avoidance from age of 4contributed. The result of the avoidance cput me in the position to be sexually abused.

 

[little helpers]

Im wondering if cptsd is more difficult to escape because it is hardwired , it happens over a long period and you come to integrate it nd the emotions it creates. I thin k in my life adolescent sex abuse on top of a very angry dominating parent whwhere I learned avoidance from age of 4contributed. The result of the avoidance cput me in the position to be sexually abused.

definitely what I think. like these are emotional flashbacks for a reason. they (the trauma) happen under any fucking circumstances that keeping tabs on what led to them become useless. think that's also why I have a hard time noting down triggers. brain just sense something going wrong, unconsciously, or before we could sense it consciously. and trauma response kicks in so we can act the right way and save ourselves. what brain understood to be right during the trauma period.

and the earlier this shit happens, not necessarily as it relates to age but more about whether you *know* this is abuse, the more it gets stored as emotions. cuz we didn't have a way to put this into language. what can a goddamn infant or a 5 y/o speak about trauma? they feel. and even though you're a bit older when the worst shit happened, you still didn't get no one to process this with you at that time. you likely didn't even know things were wrong. I/we didn't. so that's my two cents.

 

[subj]

man, the drunk thing? TOTALLY. I don't bring this up on SS too much but I/we got OSDD as well besides CPTSD. shrink didn't really specify which but I'm pretty sure it's OSDD-1b. funny thing, ex got OSDD-1a and we didn't had no fucking clue only till we broke up. when every alter is going under host alter's (my) name for protection it can be hard for others to pick up on that. we are not rolodex switchers though. "we" meaning me and others in our system. but I have a good deal of losing time as with co-consciousness. I'm sorta frontstuck these days. I been getting this more and more recently and I don't quite know what's going on. someone gotta write a post-it note telling me if that's cuz they wanna die too, and are goddamn lazy they just want me to do this for everyone. lol.

so. real glad we have a CPTSD thread running. I don't know how many of y'all here also got a dissociative disorder. don't have to say nothing if you'd rather remain silent on that. I totally understand.

personally I don't like a lot of psychoanalytic-type terms too well. not inner critic but "inner child" is one. okay, I *got* motherfucking children in my/our head. they front too. and I really *do* parent them just becuz they too cute. lol. but it gets infantalizing a lot of the times. I don't know what y'all think, but I can't fucking stand it when my *human* needs gets pinned a "motherfucker grow up" label on it. really wanna tell them that's none of their business. re-parenting or whatever is meant for the person(s) themselves. how they see fit.

that's all, thank you, no one has to agree with me but if you like it then tell me more 'bout this.


usually it's unescapble traumas perpetuated over a good while. long period of time. especially with no outside help/any support person. it's not limited to child abuse. grown people get it too. like domestic abuse survivors, being trafficked, cult, people who been held in hostage at war. I also think prisons may do that as well. jail time not really. sitting on a 8 to 10 is too fucking much. and enough trauma in prisons. daily. or if you been stuck and/or sectioned in psych wards (I call them psych prisons). disabled and/or neurodivergent people in "care" facilities. all of that.

and what separates it from classic PTSD is the nature of the trauma being interpersonal betrayal trauma. like, conflicted interests whether you should love (be cared for and not neglected) or hate (cuz they fucking hurt you) this/these person/people. and the effects of this may not necessarily be more *or* less severe. but span over more areas. especially interpersonal ones. I know you didn't ask for this but I kinda want everyone else to psychoeducate themselves if they didn't already. I hate shrinks. they don't say nothing 'bout these info.

Thank you, I'm with you until your thoughts on shrin ks. There sure are a lot of incompetents out there. However there are alot of good ones. Even the shrink community refused to accept cptsd when it was proposed. Instead they do acknowledg ptsd so a lot of less studious shrinks arent aware of cptsd.

 

[vinie]

Im wondering if cptsd is more difficult to escape because it is hardwired , it happens over a long period and you come to integrate it nd the emotions it creates.

It is truly hardwired. At least in my experience, I've been getting daily flashbacks about my sexual abuse for the past 10 years or so, or ever since I realized that I had been molested later on in life. I have become numb to it, especially because I still see my rapist sometimes. I resent her for taking away my childhood, but I cannot do much about it now. I can barely talk about it now as an adult, therefore I don't think that I will ever find closure.

 

[Untetheredwill]

. brain just sense something going wrong, unconsciously, or before we could sense it consciously. and trauma response kicks in so we can act the right way and save ourselves. what brain understood to be right during the trauma period.

Yes very well put. I realised the whole reason I don't ever quite get over the motherly abuse is that I am forced to see it when it isn't there. The smother mother who goes into fawn-fight mode under any circumstance where her stress levels are overwhelming will only love someone who is 'helped' and shaped into someone else. It's a tragedy and I won't be forced into forgiving others just because of her brainwashing of the weakest out of my siblings (she has 2 on her side and 2 of us take my dads side). She decided To be a terrible mother if it means avoiding loneliness. Even the very act of procreation was a dissociative act.

sorry if that sounds like I don't understand victims.. it's just that I'm constantly cleaning up messes :(

It is truly hardwired. At least in my experience, I've been getting daily flashbacks about my sexual abuse for the past 10 years or so, or ever since I realized that I had been molested later on in life. I have become numb to it, especially because I still see my rapist sometimes. I resent her for taking away my childhood, but I cannot do much about it now. I can barely talk about it now as an adult, therefore I don't think that I will ever find closure.

Interesting. what happened to you is awful and your reactions are valid.

im really liking the fact that I'm only recently able to cry. My whole life before I didn't think I could switch in crying so easily. But I guess there must have been times when we cry as babies and toddlers? So it's more like a rediscovery. I'm using the grieving technique in Pete walkers book

it also says sometimes when reporting an event, if it's dissociative, someone will report a long series of what happens - e.g. picked up a cup etc. without including any content which has feeling

 

[subj]

definitely what I think. like these are emotional flashbacks for a reason. they happen under any fucking circumstances that keeping tabs on what led to them become useless. think that's also why I have a hard time noting down triggers. brain just sense something going wrong, unconsciously, or before we could sense it consciously. and trauma response kicks in so we can act the right way and save ourselves. what brain understood to be right during the trauma period.

and the earlier this shit happens, not necessarily as it relates to age but more about whether you *know* this is abuse, the more it gets stored as emotions. cuz we didn't have a way to put this into language. what can a goddamn infant or a 5 y/o speak about trauma? they feel. and even though you're a bit older when the worst shit happened, you still didn't get no one to process this with you at that time. you likely didn't even know things were wrong. I/we didn't. so that's my two cents.

It is truly hardwired. At least in my experience, I've been getting daily flashbacks about my sexual abuse for the past 10 years or so, or ever since I realized that I had been molested later on in life. I have become numb to it, especially because I still see my rapist sometimes. I resent her for taking away my childhood, but I cannot do much about it now. I can barely talk about it now as an adult, therefore I don't think that I will ever find closure.

I thin k I have dissociated the actual abuse and carry the shame, personal feelings of self disgust and degradation and sometime act out without actually labeling what im doing of feling.

I thin k I have dissociated the actual abuse and carry the shame, personal feelings of self disgust and degradation and sometime act out without actually labeling what im doing of feling.

Yes very well put. I realised the whole reason I don't ever quite get over the motherly abuse is that I am forced to see it when it isn't there. The smother mother who goes into fawn-fight mode under any circumstance where her stress levels are overwhelming will only love someone who is 'helped' and shaped into someone else. It's a tragedy and I won't be forced into forgiving others just because of her brainwashing of the weakest out of my siblings (she has 2 on her side and 2 of us take my dads side). She decided To be a terrible mother if it means avoiding loneliness. Even the very act of procreation was a dissociative act.

sorry if that sounds like I don't understand victims.. it's just that I'm constantly cleaning up messes :(

Interesting. what happened to you is awful and your reactions are valid.

im really liking the fact that I'm only recently able to cry. My whole life before I didn't think I could switch in crying so easily. But I guess there must have been times when we cry as babies and toddlers? So it's more like a rediscovery. I'm using the grieving technique in Pete walkers book

it also says sometimes when reporting an event, if it's dissociative, someone will report a long series of what happens - e.g. picked up a cup etc. without including any content which has feeling

I have found this discussion thoughtful and oit has helped me un derstand some. I would like to keep it going over time. I have to go for now but will share more and learn also from you all if you all are interested. Thanks

 

[vinie]

I thin k I have dissociated the actual abuse and carry the shame, personal feelings of self disgust and degradation and sometime act out without actually labeling what im doing of feling.

Well said. That is how CPTSD functions and what makes it so terrifying. I feel so dirty and used that it has just become a part of my existence. I began crying in distress the first time someone had consensually laid their hands on me and then blamed myself for ruining the moment. It is just who I am now; someone who cannot control their emotions.

 

[subj]

Well said. That is how CPTSD functions and what makes it so terrifying. I feel so dirty and used that it has just become a part of my existence. I began crying in distress the first time someone had consensually laid their hands on me and then blamed myself for ruining the moment. It is just who I am now; someone who cannot control their emotions.

 

[Untetheredwill]

Well said. That is how CPTSD functions and what makes it so terrifying. I feel so dirty and used that it has just become a part of my existence. I began crying in distress the first time someone had consensually laid their hands on me and then blamed myself for ruining the moment. It is just who I am now; someone who cannot control their emotions.

Yes I'm struggling with the worry that someone will say 'no no no you're fine'. Lots of times that makes it worse lol. Like if I embarrass myself I want to say that I'm human and I messed up and I'll hold myself to my own standards. Otherwise they're saying that the outer comfort is more important than my discovery - that it's not my fault and so it doesn't matter when I mess up although we still should call it a mess up. Same as a child spilling tea (something my parents would scold me massively for).

 

[Sherri]

Viorxetine pills help enormously with PTSD. Speaking out of experience.

 

[subj]

Depending how acadmic we all want to get with this there is a good book by a psychiatrist Judith Herman entitled Trauma and Recovery. She tried to get the psych field to formally accept the idea of cptsd bt they refused. Its till good .

 

[little helpers]

It is truly hardwired. At least in my experience, I've been getting daily flashbacks about my sexual abuse for the past 10 years or so, or ever since I realized that I had been molested later on in life. I have become numb to it, especially because I still see my rapist sometimes. I resent her for taking away my childhood, but I cannot do much about it now. I can barely talk about it now as an adult, therefore I don't think that I will ever find closure.

I feel you. I didn't know shit till much later. told shrink A, B, C, and D, the only traumas I'm not kept from knowing, set myself into the worst flashback, and still I couldn't take that CPTSD diagnosis. saw a dude on the street once who looked a lot like my father and I almost wanted to motherfucking kill that poor thing. really sorry you still see the r*pist from time to time. the only time I appreciated my mom was when she accepted my plea to not have me see my father one more time.

Viorxetine pills help enormously with PTSD. Speaking out of experience.

do you know or wanna share more? cuz I'm not sure if that's just becuz it's an SSRI or what. (also like a lot of us here prolly can't take SSRIs so be warned. meaning those who can't. not you lol. )

 

[Untetheredwill]

I feel you. I didn't know shit till much later. told shrink A, B, C, and D, the only traumas I'm not kept from knowing, set myself into the worst flashback, and still I couldn't take that CPTSD diagnosis. saw a dude on the street once who looked a lot like my father and I almost wanted to motherfucking kill that poor thing. really sorry you still see the r*pist from time to time. the only time I appreciated my mom was when she accepted my plea to not have me see my father one more time.


do you know or wanna share more? cuz I'm not sure if that's just becuz it's an SSRI or what. (also like a lot of us here prolly can't take SSRIs so be warned. meaning those who can't. not you lol. )

Would you say it's a mammoth task to then use your own mind to actually quiet the inner critic?
like for me (I actually think it's related to my mbti type if anyone follows that ahah)… there's a lot of different characters in my mind. But to try and suggest any of them are more authoritative and can tell the 'critic' to calm down is preposterous.

And to lighten things up because otherwise I'll be telling you how they control me.. the only thing I can do in a flashback is speak out loud. The moment I stop speaking all hell breaks loose internally.

 

[vinie]

im really liking the fact that I'm only recently able to cry. My whole life before I didn't think I could switch in crying so easily. But I guess there must have been times when we cry as babies and toddlers? So it's more like a rediscovery. I'm using the grieving technique in Pete walkers book

Being able to cry again is a good thing actually. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that and I am proud of you :)

Yes I'm struggling with the worry that someone will say 'no no no you're fine'. Lots of times that makes it worse lol. Like if I embarrass myself I want to say that I'm human and I messed up and I'll hold myself to my own standards. Otherwise they're saying that the outer comfort is more important than my discovery - that it's not my fault and so it doesn't matter when I mess up although we still should call it a mess up. Same as a child spilling tea (something my parents would scold me massively for).

This! The last part is especially relevant. Many of those who haven't experienced trauma believe that victims should be sheltered and protected from the atrocities of the Earth. Though this practice may be successful for young children, I personally feel weakened whenever someone does that to me. I just want to feel normal.

I feel you. I didn't know shit till much later. told shrink A, B, C, and D, the only traumas I'm not kept from knowing, set myself into the worst flashback, and still I couldn't take that CPTSD diagnosis. saw a dude on the street once who looked a lot like my father and I almost wanted to motherfucking kill that poor thing. really sorry you still see the r*pist from time to time. the only time I appreciated my mom was when she accepted my plea to not have me see my father one more time.

Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope that you are doing better now :D

It is very comforting to hear that I am not alone in this and I truly hope that everyone struggling finds peace <33

 

[Untetheredwill]

It is very comforting to hear that I am not alone in this and I truly hope that everyone struggling finds peace <33

Thank you. I just have no willpower at all. No love for myself, no love from anyone except restaurant workers who give me food as a commodity lol. I don't know what to do but I know that at the very least, random things will happen when you fight for some sort of a cause. I also think that's my weakness .. I always criticised others for actually sticking to a cause such as 'being richest in the world'. Now Im paying for it with self hatred and no willpower

 

[subj]

Lets all keep in touch if you want

 

[little helpers]

Would you say it's a mammoth task to then use your own mind to actually quiet the inner critic?
like for me (I actually think it's related to my mbti type if anyone follows that ahah)… there's a lot of different characters in my mind. But to try and suggest any of them are more authoritative and can tell the 'critic' to calm down is preposterous.

And to lighten things up because otherwise I'll be telling you how they control me.. the only thing I can do in a flashback is speak out loud. The moment I stop speaking all hell breaks loose internally.

brrrrrrooooo (sorry I can't change my Californian language lol), only thing *I* can do in a flashback? yes you're right, speaking to myself. or type. endlessly. we got another alter who copes a bit better. he just don't mind enduring though. if that's a coping mechanism.

I'm not sure if by "characters" you mean a alter-ego sort of thing, different dimensions of your own personality, *or* it's like alters, headmates, dissociative identities sorta stuff. people give all sorts of names to alters anyways. and tbh the academic one is kinda pathologizing. pathologizing the whole person/system of people. one's entire existence.

I don't quite think my own experience mentioned in the other comment had a whole lot to do with inner critic. it's more becuz confronting the fact that I/we had trauma history was too, too fucking much. it still is. as to your question, I *strongly* believe that healing with complex trauma *has* to come interpersonally. as an essential part of it. besides self-reflection and therapy stuff and psychoeducation. safety is not a given. it's given by others and what we can also give to them. that's what I always say. I swear by it. cuz when you think about it, you can't *really* just go love yourself. especially when we have no idea how to do it right. when we never been taught that. all of our lives. love, by definition, is interpersonal. I've had too much experience where the *unconditional* love from another person deeply moved me. *unconditional*. when you can't love yourself unconditionally yet, inner critic thing, you do need someone else to give you that. that's what I think.

and you got great sense of humor. I sure have laughed. thank you for getting me laugh. giggling is my favorite thing to do lol. and sorry 'bout the dramatic ass bold letters cuz it's too long and I want others to get the gist quick enough.

Depending how acadmic we all want to get with this there is a good book by a psychiatrist Judith Herman entitled Trauma and Recovery. She tried to get the psych field to formally accept the idea of cptsd bt they refused. Its till good .

and I heard of another psychologist, truly can't remember her name now, who is all for what's like Somatic Healing or something like that. I watched some of her videos and think it makes good sense. if anyone knows her name/name of her therapeutic method *please* leave a comment. I'm not needing none of that shit now but others can really get something out of it.

 

[Untetheredwill]

brrrrrrooooo (sorry I can't change my Californian language lol), only thing *I* can do in a flashback? yes you're right, speaking to myself. or type. endlessly. we got another alter who copes a bit better. he just don't mind enduring though. if that's a coping mechanism.

omgggg. I bet you have a really nice accent

I don't quite think my own experience mentioned in the other comment had a whole lot to do with inner critic. it's more becuz confronting the fact that I/we had trauma history was too, too fucking much. it still is. as to your question, I *strongly* believe that healing with complex trauma *has* to come interpersonally. as an essential part of it. besides self-reflection and therapy stuff and psychoeducation. safety is not a given. it's given by others and what we can also give to them. that's what I always say. I swear by it. cuz when you think about it, you can't *really* just go love yourself. especially when we have no idea how to do it right. when we never been taught that. all of our lives. love, by definition, is interpersonal. I've had too much experience where the *unconditional* love from another person deeply moved me. *unconditional*. when you can't love yourself unconditionally yet, inner critic thing, you do need someone else to give you that. that's what I think.

Yes there is far too many of my family who love to speak in this 'progressive' lingo. They're not even political but they've been so allergic to knowledge their whole life that the first time my Elder brother and my sister used social media they absorbed it all up. I suppose that now I've said that out loud it's given me a reason to be more compassionate.

but my original point is that you hear the rhetoric being repeated 'love yourself'. My first reaction to that is disgust. The second one is 'what a logical fallacy' - to extend love to yourself is implying that the first self that asked for love is somehow different. Then I feel the hypocrisy - very words they actually mean by the idea of loving yourself above others is only when it's pictured through their principles of needing to be a human doing and not human loving - a narcissistic way and fits in with exactly what Instagram addicts and the 'good' guys believe. they just want to dose us up on meds because the 'sick' have always been hurt by the parents, abandoned and then lied to.

and you got great sense of humor. I sure have laughed. thank you for getting me laugh. giggling is my favorite thing to do lol. and sorry 'bout the dramatic ass bold letters cuz it's too long and I want others to get the gist quick enough.

Yes I'm glad and I really like seeing your inner monologue become a physical, complex back and forth which definitely looks like it has the power of 2 brains!

 

[little helpers]

im really liking the fact that I'm only recently able to cry. My whole life before I didn't think I could switch in crying so easily. But I guess there must have been times when we cry as babies and toddlers? So it's more like a rediscovery. I'm using the grieving technique in Pete walkers book

oh man, yes. can't cry. we're fucking twins, aren't we? what got us separated?! /s. I wrote about this before (not on SS) how fucking disappointing it is that I can't cry even when I truly want to. when I could only cry conceptually in my head after (yet another) failed attempt. ex can't do it too. at least for one of her/their alters. prolly the host one (I can recognize some of the other people/alters). I think it's becuz we're not allowed to cry when we were children. so crying is a no-no now and why keep it when you can't use it? apparently I tapped into my brain and know it had that dialogue. /s. okay I'm not a shaman just yet lol but I think that's why.

but my original point is that you hear the rhetoric being repeated 'love yourself'. My first reaction to that is disgust. The second one is 'what a logical fallacy' - to extend love to yourself is implying that the first self that asked for love is somehow different. Then I feel the hypocrisy - very words they actually mean by the idea of loving yourself above others is only when it's pictured through their principles of needing to be a human doing and not human loving - a narcissistic way and fits in with exactly what Instagram addicts and the 'good' guys believe. I'm also a victim of being brainwashed by Christianity and there is absolutely no way that these people should be respected. I'd tell any of my friends, and if I ever had relatives or children, I'd say that these people just want to 'avoid psychological stress of not conforming'.

Yes I'm glad and I really like seeing your inner monologue become a physical, complex back and forth which definitely looks like it has the power of 2 brains!

^ THIS. *everyone* needs to read/know this, I think. I suggest they do. reading it doesn't cost you nothing. it's not long anyways. if you're dyslexic there's a dyslexic font, open source. if you're blind or illiterate in written English your phone can read this to you. if you have ID all you need is use a bit more time. this is accessible content. *however*, if you're deaf-blind there's truly nothing I can do. I can't teleport myself to your face so I can sign this to you. now if anyone's not reading this your only excuse is being deaf-blind. you got me? now read it. :)

 

[Suicidebydeath]

Ty for tagging me. I'm unavailable today so will check back later.

 

[Untetheredwill]

oh man, yes. can't cry. we're fucking twins, aren't we? what got us separated?! /s. I wrote about this before (not on SS) how fucking disappointing it is that I can't cry even when I truly want to. when I could only cry conceptually in my head after (yet another) failed attempt. ex can't do it too. at least for one of her/their alters. prolly the host one (I can recognize some of the other people/alters). I think it's becuz we're not allowed to cry when we were children. so crying is a no-no now and why keep it when you can't use it? apparently I tapped into my brain and know it had that dialogue. /s. okay I'm not a shaman just yet lol but I think that's why.


^ THIS. *everyone* needs to read/know this, I think. I suggest they do. reading it doesn't cost you nothing. it's not long anyways. if you're dyslexic there's a dyslexic font, open source. if you're blind or illiterate in written English your phone can read this to you. if you have ID all you need is use a bit more time. this is accessible content. *however*, if you're deaf-blind there's truly nothing I can do. I can't teleport myself to your face so I can sign this to you. now if anyone's not reading this your only excuse is being deaf-blind. you got me? now read it. :)

On a random note do you find MBTI or astrology at all valid? or just pseudoscience.

 

[sickofbeinghere]

hii another CPTSD diagnosed person here ! propranolol has helped me a LOT with my fight or flight symptoms - anyone else been on beta blockers ?
also, "complex ptsd from surviving to thriving" is a fucking amazing book, the CPTSD bible basically.

 

[Untetheredwill]

hii another CPTSD diagnosed person here ! propranolol has helped me a LOT with my fight or flight symptoms - anyone else been on beta blockers ?
also, "complex ptsd from surviving to thriving" is a fucking amazing book, the CPTSD bible basically.

Thanks for this. Gives me some tasks to carry out tomorrow.

I do indeed love the book.
today I looked at my family, almost everyone I try to connect with.. the repeated instances of me retreating, then experiencing a hunger for relationship made me realise it's time to admit I'm constantly in flashback mode, this is ruining my life. and also - it's depicted quite well in the movie Silver Linings Playbook. They don't mention it overtly but he flashbacks to his worst trauma when a song plays.

 

[little helpers]

On a random note do you find MBTI or astrology at all valid? or just pseudoscience.

I think to say that we need to ask ourselves what validity means. I have a favorite quote, "all models are wrong, but some are useful". just Googled it and it's said by British statistician George E. P. Box. whatever personality theories are all modeling reality, going after an explanation and predictions. but they don't make reality itself. if reality has validated a theory over time, then good, keep using that. if not, people are going to stop believing it themselves.

I have heard accounts from couple autistic persons for whom astrology is meaningful. like when neurotypicals make no sense to them, they now have astrology to aid their understanding and orient themselves interpersonally. or say tarot-reading. I follow somebody on Instagram who does that. very beautifully illustrated tarots that says something about herself artistically and politically. Vice did a cover on some Black women's journey through "witchcraft". okay I think that's the most inappropriate word one can use. it's more reconnecting with their African roots and rediscovering Native knowledge. cuz when you think about it, before the slave trade and colonization, before their grandparents became African Americans, these people were Indigenous too.

I like Native folklore a lot. told very figuratively with vivid imagination. the three sisters turned out to be corn, beans, and squash. my stomach was churning in sadness before I got told this is a story on agricultural practices and these "people" are plants. dude. but that's how you best remember something, isn't it? and sharing the same story forms connection.

personally I'm not into MBTI or what. I have my questions answered in other ways that isn't necessarily more or less valid. a friend of mine during college, CogSci major though I despise their curriculum as a Neuro major lol, she told me lots about the validity of MBTI. but that's still whatever. people are spontaneous and context matters more than a fixed rule. I like the Jungian stuff better cuz that's a bit more innate. whether you're a logic-facts-and-reasoning type of person or the randomly-connect-the-dots sort. I gawk at the latter's BS "reasoning", and they find mine confusingly boring. lol.

oh, I once had a Mexican girl do the hair-and-ring thing with me. she made it completely right about my past relationships (good for her lol) and said I was gon have two children. we'll see. but people see what they wanna see anyways. the same reading sent to twenty different people and they all identify with that. that one is scientific evidence.

Edit: typos

 

[subj]

Being able to cry again is a good thing actually. I'm so sorry that you had to go through that and I am proud of you :)


This! The last part is especially relevant. Many of those who haven't experienced trauma believe that victims should be sheltered and protected from the atrocities of the Earth. Though this practice may be successful for young children, I personally feel weakened whenever someone does that to me. I just want to feel normal.


Thank you for sharing your experience. I hope that you are doing better now :D

It is very comforting to hear that I am not alone in this and I truly hope that everyone struggling finds peace <33

Oh wow crying, Im sop glad you can. I cant. Maybe its why I crave pain which when it happens I tense up and make myself endure..never cry . It's like I'll show them, they got me every other way but they wont make me cry. Yet inside I want to fall apart screamin g and bawling.. BUT I WON'T even if I carry out the suicde plan I described before.

Thanks for this. Gives me some tasks to carry out tomorrow.

I do indeed love the book.
today I looked at my family, almost everyone I try to connect with.. the repeated instances of me retreating, then experiencing a hunger for relationship made me realise it's time to admit I'm constantly in flashback mode, this is ruining my life. and also - it's depicted quite well in the movie Silver Linings Playbook. They don't mention it overtly but he flashbacks to his worst trauma when a song plays.

Please what is the name of the book. This is such a helpful thread, coming up with and understanding things i never got in years of therappy and reading