Venting CPTSD is suicide fuel

[BitterlyAlive_]

I would already want to die without the 'trauma', but cPTSD makes me desperate to kill myself.

People don't understand, it's not 'dwelling on the past'. The past keeps hitting you over the top of the head via flashbacks, and if you express the emotional pain you're weak and/or dwelling on the past. But you can't help it, the pain is too much, you feel like you're reliving things over and over again.

I can't stand it. this is torment. Cutting myself feels so damn natural right now, I can feel and see everything, and want to do it so bad. Suicide feels just as natural. I can still fucking taste the SN and want to cry, because I want to attempt again so badly. The pain is overwhelming.

Even though I know it's trauma, flashbacks, depression, I still feel so upset that I can't do anything right now. I want to so badly, but I'm in a place where I can't. I feel so desperate. CPTSD isn't a joke, it's not weakness, flashbacks keep happening every day without my damn consent. It's pushing me over the edge, even though I know it's 'illogical'.

The only thing I can really seem to do is dissociate. If I'm lucky, I can sleep. I can't cry like I need to because it's viewed as weak, manipulative. If I'm lucky, I can distract my mind for a bit and do something.

This is agony, and I'm really struggling to cope. It's suicide fuel, as the stupid title says.

 

[abyss]

Sorry to hear that. I don't know too much about CPTSD, is there any treatment available to you?

 

[lionetta12]

I would already want to die without the 'trauma', but cPTSD makes me desperate to kill myself.

People don't understand, it's not 'dwelling on the past'. The past keeps hitting you over the top of the head via flashbacks, and if you express the emotional pain you're weak and/or dwelling on the past. But you can't help it, the pain is too much, you feel like you're reliving things over and over again.

I can't stand it. this is torment. Cutting myself feels so damn natural right now, I can feel and see everything, and want to do it so bad. Suicide feels just as natural. I can still fucking taste the SN and want to cry, because I want to attempt again so badly. The pain is overwhelming.

Even though I know it's trauma, flashbacks, depression, I still feel so upset that I can't do anything right now. I want to so badly, but I'm in a place where I can't. I feel so desperate. CPTSD isn't a joke, it's not weakness, flashbacks keep happening every day without my damn consent. It's pushing me over the edge, even though I know it's 'illogical'.

The only thing I can really seem to do is dissociate. If I'm lucky, I can sleep. I can't cry like I need to because it's viewed as weak, manipulative. If I'm lucky, I can distract my mind for a bit and do something.

This is agony, and I'm really struggling to cope. It's suicide fuel, as the stupid title says.

I have CPTSD and I struggle with the same. I also get told these same things by people who are oblivious and have no idea what having CPTSD is like, they think you can just «stop thinking lol» and then it will remove all the flashbacks. They say «just move on» and stuff like that as well, because they just don't understand it. I'm tierd of it, can't wait to consume SN tomorrow.

 

[Foresight]

It's unreal. I'm glad you expressed this. I don't really want to die but my ptsd is in an advanced stage. It's so much bigger than my will. It isn't dwelling, you're right. I'm not someone who even dwells on things, but my brain and body are damaged from trauma. It's damn near impossible to redirect the thoughts. I am filled with fear and sadness to my core. It's in there deep and when it rises up it is the most agonizing experience. I really feel you, CPTSD/PTSD are beasts to battle. It's daily too. Not a day goes by of consistent, harmonious thinking. I find it hard to explain. I know you know it. It's scary and sad, there's no way around that. It's not weakness, I think you're strong regardless of what happens. I really mean that.

 

[FuneralCry]

I cannot even imagine how awful it must be, having to endure that. This life is just too cruel. None of us here should ever have to suffer so unbearably. Best wishes.

 

[KuriGohan&Kamehameha]

CPTSD is horrible. Most people cannot fathom having years of memories chocked full of rejection, betrayal, neglect, abuse of all varieities, abandonment, being exposed to violence, death, and so many other tragedies.. In the minds of the majority, ptsd stems from a one off event.

This singular occurence represents a defining moment which an individual can be rescued from, as it is much easier to deal with trauma if it exists in a vaccum, only one wave in a sea of otherwise pleasant or neutral memories.

When you have multiple bad things happening over and over again, it is so hard for others to accept that this can happen. It doesn't make you or anyone else weak to be "dwelling" on these things, because fundamentally our experiences do shape us, and how could one be expected to wipe years of transformative memories from their brain? That's the stuff of science fiction.

If you've ever seen the most recent Blade Runner film, there is a character who can implant false memories and mesh them together to create a perfect reality. Despite this being fiction, it paints a striking resemblance of what's expected of traumatized people. To conjure up happiness out of thin air, when our past experiences have been anything but positive and pleasant. How can we be expected to do this?

I'm sorry you've been through so much, it is unfair and unjust what trauma victims have to endure everyday. It's not your fault at all, these suggestions to "move on" are callous and ignorant at best and malicious at worst. No one should have to conceal their true feelings and fake positivity to placate others.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

Sorry to hear that. I don't know too much about CPTSD, is there any treatment available to you?

CPTSD is a relatively new diagnosis, it's basically traumatic events spread out over a long period of time (childhood abuse, war, domestic abuse, etc) versus a singular event (like a car crash). It's often diagnosed as a variety of other things, so people get treated for a "surface" issue that doesn't address the root cause.

I've tried therapists and, honestly, have left most of them because they were either predatory, dismissive, or focused on a 'surface' issue while downplaying or ignoring the root. I don't want to try therapy for it anymore, so I'll just have to try and manage it myself. The IFS modality, or internal family systems, seems promising for many cPTSD sufferers. It could have potential for me if I was ever able to be compassionate/loving towards myself.

Because of the nature of trauma, somatic therapies can help people as well. They ground people and allow them to safely release the trauma - it's stored in the body from the bottom up, once it's released then the person can begin to cope and recover. That could help me as well, but I spend so much time dissociated and don't feel safe enough to "be" in my body. Another good option that I don't feel I can do. It's too painful and scary.

I have CPTSD and I struggle with the same. I also get told these same things by people who are oblivious and have no idea what having CPTSD is like, they think you can just «stop thinking lol» and then it will remove all the flashbacks. They say «just move on» and stuff like that as well, because they just don't understand it. I'm tierd of it, can't wait to consume SN tomorrow.

Yes, one feels very trapped when dealing with this shit. Unless a person feels safe, valued, and is met with compassion and empathy… I'm not so sure if they can even start to heal from something like CPTSD. Many people aren't fortunate enough to have that kind of support. And it fucking spirals. It would take an incredibly resilient person to be able to crawl out of this on their own, and I know I'm not one of those people.

I'm so sorry you're suffering so much, and that things have come to this for you. Hugs.

It's unreal. I'm glad you expressed this. I don't really want to die but my ptsd is in an advanced stage. It's so much bigger than my will. It isn't dwelling, you're right. I'm not someone who even dwells on things, but my brain and body are damaged from trauma. It's damn near impossible to redirect the thoughts. I am filled with fear and sadness to my core. It's in there deep and when it rises up it is the most agonizing experience. I really feel you, CPTSD/PTSD are beasts to battle. It's daily too. Not a day goes by of consistent, harmonious thinking. I find it hard to explain. I know you know it. It's scary and sad, there's no way around that. It's not weakness, I think you're strong regardless of what happens. I really mean that.

Yes, it's insane how deeply rooted this illness is. It overshadows everything in life, it seems. Even if you start to become aware of how extreme the thoughts and emotions are, things can still feel so hopeless. CPTSD is very painful, confusing, lonely.

There was more I wanted to say, but it's gone now. Will edit if it comes back. Thank you for your kind words, mate.

I cannot even imagine how awful it must be, having to endure that. This life is just too cruel. None of us here should ever have to suffer so unbearably. Best wishes.

Thank you. Hugs.

CPTSD is horrible. Most people cannot fathom having years of memories chocked full of rejection, betrayal, neglect, abuse of all varieities, abandonment, being exposed to violence, death, and so many other tragedies.. In the minds of the majority, ptsd stems from a one off event.

This singular occurence represents a defining moment which an individual can be rescued from, as it is much easier to deal with trauma if it exists in a vaccum, only one wave in a sea of otherwise pleasant or neutral memories.

When you have multiple bad things happening over and over again, it is so hard for others to accept that this can happen. It doesn't make you or anyone else weak to be "dwelling" on these things, because fundamentally our experiences do shape us, and how could one be expected to wipe years of transformative memories from their brain? That's the stuff of science fiction.

If you've ever seen the most recent Blade Runner film, there is a character who can implant false memories and mesh them together to create a perfect reality. Despite this being fiction, it paints a striking resemblance of what's expected of traumatized people. To conjure up happiness out of thin air, when our past experiences have been anything but positive and pleasant. How can we be expected to do this?

I'm sorry you've been through so much, it is unfair and unjust what trauma victims have to endure everyday. It's not your fault at all, these suggestions to "move on" are callous and ignorant at best and malicious at worst. No one should have to conceal their true feelings and fake positivity to placate others.

i agree 100%. And that series is great, the book still has a special place in my heart.

 

[complexptsd]

Also have cptsd (hence the username) and can relate to this post so much. for me, it's the nightmares that are too much to bear. I wake up to them every. single. night. dreams of my abuser hurting me or hurting someone else and forcing me to watch. I don't think most people can understand what it's like when half of your life is spent in this nightmare dream state reliving the same tortured moments over and over again.

I've been in and out of therapy for years. Some of it helped. I learned how to manage my triggers and be a better, more useful functioning society member. In conflict, I am usually the most level-headed person because I've worked so hard at it.

But then it feels like I have to constantly hide or push down my real self in order to accommodate others. It feels like no one really knows or wants to know me. No one wants to hear about my trauma, even though it's a daily part of my reality. It's so exhausting living like this.

 

[chloramine]

I also have cptsd (I think- I've never officially been diagnosed or anything, but my friend ran across some stuff on it and immediately thought of me. The more we both looked into it, the more it matched up) and I mostly get by through dissociating during the day. Nights tend to be a barrage of getting trapped in memories.

I think you need to have a safe environment in order to start healing from it. Currently I cannot do any of those muscle relaxation techniques because I'm still in the same environment, so not being ready and on edge makes my brain panic which triggers flashbacks. I do believe it's possible, but it's not something that can be done in isolation and it's so hard to create the right environment. You need a safe place with safe people and. That's near impossible.

I'm sorry you've lived through whatever happened to cause cptsd. I know it's the human brain trying to protect itself, but cptsd still awful in and of itself as well. It's brutal and constant, you can't turn it off (even if you theoretically could) because that isn't safe. You can't just dismiss the fears as your brain catastrophizing because they came to be through experience. Ignoring and dismissing your reactions actually make it all so much worse. Other people doing so is incredibly frustrating.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

I also have cptsd (I think- I've never officially been diagnosed or anything, but my friend ran across some stuff on it and immediately thought of me. The more we both looked into it, the more it matched up) and I mostly get by through dissociating during the day. Nights tend to be a barrage of getting trapped in memories.

I think you need to have a safe environment in order to start healing from it. Currently I cannot do any of those muscle relaxation techniques because I'm still in the same environment, so not being ready and on edge makes my brain panic which triggers flashbacks. I do believe it's possible, but it's not something that can be done in isolation and it's so hard to create the right environment. You need a safe place with safe people and. That's near impossible.

I'm sorry you've lived through whatever happened to cause cptsd. I know it's the human brain trying to protect itself, but cptsd still awful in and of itself as well. It's brutal and constant, you can't turn it off (even if you theoretically could) because that isn't safe. You can't just dismiss the fears as your brain catastrophizing because they came to be through experience. Ignoring and dismissing your reactions actually make it all so much worse. Other people doing so is incredibly frustrating.

agreed. It's difficult to begin to recover, if not impossible, while you're still in the environment. I'm sorry you're still there. :/

 

[sapphoslastpoem]

The flashbacks are so intense, it's like you're basically reliving the event multiple times a day, everyday. My PTSD will be one of the reasons I ctb because it reminds me of how my life went to shit, every fucking day

 

[akana]

earth is just even more hell and people are more hell and its the vicious cycle. the mind is a trick man

 

[chronicallybroken]

@BitterlyAlive_ just want to say how knowledgeable you are! I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I think this is what I have too

 

[toasterbath]

i will never be able to afford the right type of therapy or be in a safe environment and i literally cannot function anymore always on fucking edge and permanently anxious stressed dissociating. this is torturous.

 

[BitterlyAlive_]

The flashbacks are so intense, it's like you're basically reliving the event multiple times a day, everyday. My PTSD will be one of the reasons I ctb because it reminds me of how my life went to shit, every fucking day

Agreed on that last bit, but it also reminds me of how worthless/toxic I am. I'm tired of being barraged with this shit almost every day. The attachment issues are intense too.

earth is just even more hell and people are more hell and its the vicious cycle. the mind is a trick man

I don't like being alive, it's too much. I think there's some beautiful things about life, some people are great, but it hardly helps.

@BitterlyAlive_ just want to say how knowledgeable you are! I'm sorry you have to deal with this. I think this is what I have too

Thank you. And I'm sorry to hear that, hugs. Things do change in a way once you identify what the real issues are, realizing/being diagnosed with this has helped me reflect differently on my life and others. It kind of lets you put some of the pieces of your life together, for better or worse.

i will never be able to afford the right type of therapy or be in a safe environment and i literally cannot function anymore always on fucking edge and permanently anxious stressed dissociating. this is torturous.

It really is awful to go through. It's damn near constant pain and fear.

 

[Ineedtodie]

I'm there with it. It's intensely emotional nd without control. No idea what to do. Just stuck. Taking meds and but isolation and everything about cptsd is uncontrollable and overwhelming.

 

[choopla]

My brain has been absolutely screwed by ptsd and trauma. My cognitive ability has declined, nothing is enjoyable and I am completely misanthropic. I'm not sure what to do anymore.

 

[releasespieces]

I would already want to die without the 'trauma', but cPTSD makes me desperate to kill myself.

People don't understand, it's not 'dwelling on the past'. The past keeps hitting you over the top of the head via flashbacks, and if you express the emotional pain you're weak and/or dwelling on the past. But you can't help it, the pain is too much, you feel like you're reliving things over and over again.

I can't stand it. this is torment. Cutting myself feels so damn natural right now, I can feel and see everything, and want to do it so bad. Suicide feels just as natural. I can still fucking taste the SN and want to cry, because I want to attempt again so badly. The pain is overwhelming.

Even though I know it's trauma, flashbacks, depression, I still feel so upset that I can't do anything right now. I want to so badly, but I'm in a place where I can't. I feel so desperate. CPTSD isn't a joke, it's not weakness, flashbacks keep happening every day without my damn consent. It's pushing me over the edge, even though I know it's 'illogical'.

The only thing I can really seem to do is dissociate. If I'm lucky, I can sleep. I can't cry like I need to because it's viewed as weak, manipulative. If I'm lucky, I can distract my mind for a bit and do something.

This is agony, and I'm really struggling to cope. It's suicide fuel, as the stupid title says.

I have TBI and CPTSD, I understand all too well. Are you on disability? It really helps take the edge off if you can get on it. There really isn't much you can do except manage your symptoms, it really is a death sentence of sorts, there is no coming back. Cannabis helps, but I can't use it on a regular because I'm in federal subsidized housing. Really sucks that I can't get the medicine that helps because the feds don't want people to get relief I guess, it's messed up. It's something you either learn to live with and conquer the best you can or it consumes you. Sucks to be us I guess. I wish I had some way to help you, but I've been living with TBI since the age of 4 and CPTSD since the age of 22 and it's been a steady decline in quality of life. I'm here for you if you need it.

 

[19andOverdue]

I would already want to die without the 'trauma', but cPTSD makes me desperate to kill myself.

People don't understand, it's not 'dwelling on the past'. The past keeps hitting you over the top of the head via flashbacks, and if you express the emotional pain you're weak and/or dwelling on the past. But you can't help it, the pain is too much, you feel like you're reliving things over and over again.

I can't stand it. this is torment. Cutting myself feels so damn natural right now, I can feel and see everything, and want to do it so bad. Suicide feels just as natural. I can still fucking taste the SN and want to cry, because I want to attempt again so badly. The pain is overwhelming.

Even though I know it's trauma, flashbacks, depression, I still feel so upset that I can't do anything right now. I want to so badly, but I'm in a place where I can't. I feel so desperate. CPTSD isn't a joke, it's not weakness, flashbacks keep happening every day without my damn consent. It's pushing me over the edge, even though I know it's 'illogical'.

The only thing I can really seem to do is dissociate. If I'm lucky, I can sleep. I can't cry like I need to because it's viewed as weak, manipulative. If I'm lucky, I can distract my mind for a bit and do something.

This is agony, and I'm really struggling to cope. It's suicide fuel, as the stupid title says.

I just got back from intense trauma therapy. And the wisest technique I learned was "diving into the pain". On a somatic level, you can pinpoint your trauma in your body, and focus on all of it voluntarily. It's essentially exposure therapy. I know cptsd brings with it no lasting relief. But treating yourself with compassion when confronting your pain will cause you less grief to shame yourself for later.

 

[Walilamdzii]

I have been having constant rumination and flashbacks daily for the past... three years or something. I was trying to repress the trauma for the previous 3 years. Everyone I speak to just thinks I'm "obsessed" with the men who traumatised me, but it's kind of symptoms of cptsd. I am perceived as the toxic person by many in the social circle I was involved in, but it is me who was traumatised. People avoid talking to me, because this is more or less always in my head. My family hate to be around me. I am oscillating between trying to do something and just viewing death as a means of escape. I stick by what I said in 2016, when I initially experienced trauma, which is that they should have euthanised me. It would have saved me the trouble of bothering to eat, and go through the motions of life for the past 7 years. My life is devoid of meaning.