covering my eyes and pretending to die

[monetpompo]

​

I waited for the night time to come again, and I'm procrastinating again. I guess there's always time later in the evening to do it or later in the week. I know hanging works. I know suicide works. If it didn't work then there wouldn't be suicide statistics. I guess I'm just afraid since I don't like pain, but if I get my hanging right then it won't hurt like my last attempt.

I didn't eat that much all day and didn't really want to leave my bed. My mom was having a really loud phone call and woke me up so I told her to be quiet since she didn't need to be so loud when it's early in the morning. She called me my brother's name instead of mine and told me to stay in my room. She does that pretty often. Sometimes she can't tell me apart from my siblings because I look androgynous. My sister made hotdogs and that's the only food I ate because she gave them to me. I didn't tell her about my attempt because I figured I would just attempt again later in the week.

I don't believe in help or hope because of the kind of person I am and the kind of circumstances I'm in. I don't think there's any services for jobless losers that are too sad to keep going to college. My one actual shot is joining the military for a few years, but I'm really, really bad at math because I get so anxious that I start crying trying to learn basic algebra. I thought about sex work but I would need a car (lol). All I want to do is move away from my mom and see my best friend again. I can't go to another city without a job or a car, though. If I wanted to live or had any motivation to do anything, I would start by sending resumes. My sister's been stressed because she can't find a job in our area, and we need a job nearby (10-20 mins) us since we can't drive ourselves. She got sad the grocery store we live next to wouldn't hire her. I don't want to put more stuff on her plate by getting sent to the mental hospital again.

It's easy to feel abandoned when you're looking for a way to die. You end up like this because something went wrong and no one was there for you. Or maybe people were, but told you to seek god (my mom) or therapy (my friends). I want society to cull me for being such a failure. People cull animals and say it's for the greater good. What's wrong with me if I want to die? No matter what, I'm going to have to kill myself, since nothing will kill me if I spend all day asleep or on my laptop. I know undereating isn't good for me, but I don't want to leave my room because my mom always bothers me. I hate being around her at all. I know she doesn't care what happens to me either way. She'll only really pay attention to me if I'm dead. And even when I'm dead, she'll think that I went to hell for suicide and that I deserved it. She doesn't care at all about my suicidal ideation because she'll act like she couldn't have done anything.

 

[eupdplishlp]

people closest to us can often forget how much they care about us and might onl really show they do at a time of crisis / trauma. it's confusing. I hear your pain and suffering and feel deeply sorry you and your mother aren't ina place where you guys could hug it out or talk.