Venting Courage

[Deleted member 25174]

I've bought sn. Got it quite easily in UK but I'm not sure i could drink a glass let alone two and die like that. My preferred way has always been partial/hanging. I've done so much research into long drops and so kinda know how much I'd need for a quick death and personally I don't care if I get decapitated but whoever stumbled across that.....well I know what I'd feel myself finding a body in 2 parts. I've always been drawn to strangulation and partial hanging . I don't know if it's because I used to get choked by my dad when I'd done something naughty. I was saved by my ex from strangulation, he cut the rope when I was unconscious but ever since that and seeing how quickly you get light headed from leaning on something I really don't know why I've lost my bottle (for want of better words) I contemplate, plan, I know partial doesn't hurt me but when it comes to the crunch my S.I stops me. I always thought throwing myself in front of a train would be my last resort because I could drink and then wait until I got brave enough but after watching one under I'm not sure. Not just because of the driver but it heaps extra guilt on those left behind because it's so public and it involves someone unwittingly killing me. Then I think am I just putting extra obstacles in my way, why am I doing that? I want to be dead but I don't want my legacy to be suicide. I've tried different ways and been so close a good few times. I know statistically a few more goes and I will die from it. I can't take more failure, I'm a coward because I'm a complete failure and a pathetic one at that. I've tried so hard to kill myself why does my brain hesitate and let me down? I get so close but never get my prize. What's wrong with me?

 

[WornOutLife]

Well. partial is much harder than SN at least for me. I've tried lots of ways to make partial hanging work but it just doesn't. I should be getting my SN soon too but won't use it for a while. Anyway, "having it there" will give me peace.

Just like you, I feel as if I'm only putting extra obstacles in my way but are we really? Maybe it's the system or just life.

Hope you can feel better soon.

Hugs and love

 

[ihavetoleave]

Same here. I have SN and I can't go through with it. I prefer partial yet every time I have decided to use this method I fail, I cannot lose consciousness. It is a tough spot to be in, I feel for you.

 

[Deleted member 25174]

It's like the more times I fail the harder it gets to make a good go of it but also I know how hard I've tried so I've got to put even more into it each time