Apokryphiel
Forevermore
- Mar 23, 2025
- 13
"What would make life worth continuing if you were to never find the one - that person?"
I have spent my entire life chasing stars, dreaming of anything that could make it all worth something in the end.
Alone since the day of my birth, and even before I was conceived, I have been destined to suffer alone. I don't even have the words to understand it; it's like I've gone numb. I just can't make sense of anything.. I don't want to anymore.
My family has been a lost cause since the day my parents were born. It's existence is a disgrace to life itself. My only brother is dead because of my parents, he was driven to take his own life at the age of 21 by them. He was tortured in the same way I would have been for my now 21 years on this earth, as of March 11th. I never even really got to know him. I never got to experience what it would be like to have a family at all. The bare minimum anyone should have: a family, a parent's love. I just don't. I don't have anything. I've never once experienced love, or what it's like to be loved by anyone. The closest words I have ever gotten to "I love you" was "You should have died instead of your brother" by my mother, and more than once. He's dead because of her sins. The closest I've gotten to being raised was the 30+ times I have been placed in psychiatric facilities by my parents. Anytime I cried out suffering, anytime I spoke, or expressed any proof of me at all, I was thrown away, like trash, just like my brother, just like everything else I have had stolen from me. I was "raised" by doctors and nurses who saw me as nothing more than a paycheck, they've never once actually helped me, how could they anyways? I was deemed "normal" each time and released within a few weeks.
All that I am, or ever will be, is a result of me alone.
I should already be dead. There's so many times I should have just died throughout my life.. It's almost as if God was trying to save me from all of this. But he failed. Christianity is the one thing I've always turned to. I wanted to believe in something greater than myself, because I knew there was nothing more worthless. But even my religion, my God, they have done nothing but fail me. "How long am I supposed to suffer?", "When will enough be enough?", "When will you stop making an example out of me?". I ask God these questions every single day. He never answers.
The suffering in my heart is more than I can bear. The soreness just won't go away. It's a constant reminder. The damn eviction letters I get in the mail every week are a constant reminder, every failed effort I make to do anything is a constant reminder. Even if I killed myself I could never truly escape it. I don't want to die like this.
I can't see anything outside of this bloodstained lens. I have so many broken and twisted views that I just can't escape, and it torments me. I want to die, just not alone. I want to die for someone, or with someone, so I can finally be worth something, even if only as a tool.. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I would even continue to live through this pain for that someone, anyone that can give me a purpose. But that person never will come. And I will die just as I've lived. Alone. It's just a matter of when.
How long do I want to keep putting myself through this?
I'm gonna be giving up my apartment soon, I can't afford to live here anymore, I don't want to either. I don't know what to do, but I know this is the end of the road. Just one final fleeting taste of freedom before my balance hits zero. That will have to be good enough for me...
I wish you could fit a life into words, I wish just someone could understand me. Each and every single day I spent in agony, hurting others and myself. But the only people who have seen me are the ones responsible for ruining me. It's hopeless.
Thank you to anyone who's taken the time to read this. You've helped me feel slightly less alone. :)
Goodbye for now.
I have spent my entire life chasing stars, dreaming of anything that could make it all worth something in the end.
Alone since the day of my birth, and even before I was conceived, I have been destined to suffer alone. I don't even have the words to understand it; it's like I've gone numb. I just can't make sense of anything.. I don't want to anymore.
My family has been a lost cause since the day my parents were born. It's existence is a disgrace to life itself. My only brother is dead because of my parents, he was driven to take his own life at the age of 21 by them. He was tortured in the same way I would have been for my now 21 years on this earth, as of March 11th. I never even really got to know him. I never got to experience what it would be like to have a family at all. The bare minimum anyone should have: a family, a parent's love. I just don't. I don't have anything. I've never once experienced love, or what it's like to be loved by anyone. The closest words I have ever gotten to "I love you" was "You should have died instead of your brother" by my mother, and more than once. He's dead because of her sins. The closest I've gotten to being raised was the 30+ times I have been placed in psychiatric facilities by my parents. Anytime I cried out suffering, anytime I spoke, or expressed any proof of me at all, I was thrown away, like trash, just like my brother, just like everything else I have had stolen from me. I was "raised" by doctors and nurses who saw me as nothing more than a paycheck, they've never once actually helped me, how could they anyways? I was deemed "normal" each time and released within a few weeks.
All that I am, or ever will be, is a result of me alone.
I should already be dead. There's so many times I should have just died throughout my life.. It's almost as if God was trying to save me from all of this. But he failed. Christianity is the one thing I've always turned to. I wanted to believe in something greater than myself, because I knew there was nothing more worthless. But even my religion, my God, they have done nothing but fail me. "How long am I supposed to suffer?", "When will enough be enough?", "When will you stop making an example out of me?". I ask God these questions every single day. He never answers.
The suffering in my heart is more than I can bear. The soreness just won't go away. It's a constant reminder. The damn eviction letters I get in the mail every week are a constant reminder, every failed effort I make to do anything is a constant reminder. Even if I killed myself I could never truly escape it. I don't want to die like this.
I can't see anything outside of this bloodstained lens. I have so many broken and twisted views that I just can't escape, and it torments me. I want to die, just not alone. I want to die for someone, or with someone, so I can finally be worth something, even if only as a tool.. I just don't want to be alone anymore. I would even continue to live through this pain for that someone, anyone that can give me a purpose. But that person never will come. And I will die just as I've lived. Alone. It's just a matter of when.
How long do I want to keep putting myself through this?
I'm gonna be giving up my apartment soon, I can't afford to live here anymore, I don't want to either. I don't know what to do, but I know this is the end of the road. Just one final fleeting taste of freedom before my balance hits zero. That will have to be good enough for me...
I wish you could fit a life into words, I wish just someone could understand me. Each and every single day I spent in agony, hurting others and myself. But the only people who have seen me are the ones responsible for ruining me. It's hopeless.
Thank you to anyone who's taken the time to read this. You've helped me feel slightly less alone. :)
Goodbye for now.
