Brain fog + exhaustion are making it hard for me to do all the things i need to do, before i CTB.
I think i'm also so busy being miserable, drinking and smoking myself into oblivion, that i haven't really had the emotional wherewithal to do it, anyways. I'm close though.
As we inch closer to February, i feel my time coming. I had decided on doing this before february but i am still waiting on my CTB materials to come in the mail. I've already failed 5 or 6 times via partial and tourniquet, hence im trying to be more deliberate about things now. And now i might have to wait until after Feb 01, counter to my original plans.
And every extra day that I am alive, i go, "Why? Why did I make it to another day." I died long ago, and i've just been living in some near-death state since then.
Maternal abuse, paternal abuse, fraternal abuse, being socialized poorly, developing a crippling incurable disease and then PTSD on top of everything. And losing the one person, my ex partner, the one thread that was binding all my shattered pieces together and giving me some semblance of stability and a way forward.
Part of my urge to kill myself is so the timing provides some explanation. The closer to the breakup, the easier it will be for others to dismiss as a function of that. The easier it'll be for my partner to not just.... feel nothing once i'm dead. I know that is egotistical and spiteful, but it seems to be the only thing i can do left to make her feel anything towards me. I don't have it in me to be the bigger person. I am facing death, anyways.
I think i'm also so busy being miserable, drinking and smoking myself into oblivion, that i haven't really had the emotional wherewithal to do it, anyways. I'm close though.
As we inch closer to February, i feel my time coming. I had decided on doing this before february but i am still waiting on my CTB materials to come in the mail. I've already failed 5 or 6 times via partial and tourniquet, hence im trying to be more deliberate about things now. And now i might have to wait until after Feb 01, counter to my original plans.
And every extra day that I am alive, i go, "Why? Why did I make it to another day." I died long ago, and i've just been living in some near-death state since then.
Maternal abuse, paternal abuse, fraternal abuse, being socialized poorly, developing a crippling incurable disease and then PTSD on top of everything. And losing the one person, my ex partner, the one thread that was binding all my shattered pieces together and giving me some semblance of stability and a way forward.
Part of my urge to kill myself is so the timing provides some explanation. The closer to the breakup, the easier it will be for others to dismiss as a function of that. The easier it'll be for my partner to not just.... feel nothing once i'm dead. I know that is egotistical and spiteful, but it seems to be the only thing i can do left to make her feel anything towards me. I don't have it in me to be the bigger person. I am facing death, anyways.
